Andrew Dice Clay

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Andrew Dice Clay: "I'm Not Going to Mellow Out for Anybody" (Part I)
By Elyse Wanshel,
Feb. 15 2011
blogs.miaminewtimes.com

​Remember Andrew Dice Clay? No? C'mon! You know, the Dice Man -- he's the Brooklyn Jew who dresses like Mr. T except with the gall to wear sunglasses indoors. He was the only comedian in history to sell out Madison Square Garden two nights in a row! And he's got this really distinctive misogynistic, raunchy sense of humor, which includes reciting dirty nursery rhymes such as: "Hickory dickory dock." Andrew Dice Clay is a cock. Not the rooster, just a loser, whose ego cannot be stopped. You're still drawing a blank? He was the bouncer at Club Cats in Pretty in Pink who told Ducky that love's a bitch. Now you remember! Great! Because he's coming to the Miami Improv February 23rd-24th. We caught up with Clay and chatted about egos, himself, and why he hates Bill Maher.

New Times: What can audiences expect when they come to see you at the Improv?
When you do those kinds of clubs, it's usually the fans that come to see you and mine won't be disappointed. I've really always worked on keeping the same comic voice I always had. There's nothing softer about it, it's just more modern as far as the material goes, or staying updated in the world. It's just hardcore. People always ask me, 'have you mellowed out a little?' You know, I am who I am, so I'm never going to mellow out for anybody. I do what I do on stage and there's always going to be people who love it and others [who] don't.

If you could describe your comedy in one word, what would you use?
Outrageous. I didn't reinvent the wheels when I started doing comedy, all the subjects I hit on, other comics have hit on. I think I really know how to paint an outrageous picture for people when they come see me. It makes it funnier.

Do you consider yourself an outrageous person or is it just an onstage persona?
I live a pretty extreme life.

What's so extreme about your life?
I don't live the normal life at all. It's just extreme. I'm not talking about race cars, I'm talking about the things in my life, it's never just a little thing that I have to take care of, it's always big things.

What do you mean by 'big things'?
Well, a divorce with a normal family there might be some stuff to split up and a few dollars and then everyone goes their separate ways. But when celebrities get divorced everything is big. From the house that you've got to get rid of to all the things in it, to splitting up funds, that kind of thing. Like if bills aren't paid on time, which has been a problem with the recession, it's never just an $80 dollar bill, it's more like an $8,000 bill. So your anxiety and the pressure, the way you live, is triple the energy of a normal guy who's used to a routine.

Speaking of divorces, you've been through a few. Do you think they're harder for a man or a woman?
Women tend to get more miserable when they break up or get broken up with. It doesn't even matter which way it goes. They can be the one to break up with you and they'll still get miserable. But that is something I'd never pretend to try to figure out...because I'm not a girl. Biggest mistake any guy could say is 'I understand women.'

If men don't understand women, do you think women understand men?
I'm talking different levels. A guy can think he knows what a girl is thinking and actually tell it to her, I've done it myself -- going on this whole tangent about how you know they're mad at you but it'll never happen again, this whole thing, and they look at you after five minutes and say 'I'm not thinking that at all, I'm thinking that I'm hungry.'

What is it that you look for in a woman?
Someone who's 100% behind you no matter what you do. That's real important to me. It can't be 80%, it's got to be 100% because a performer lives a very stressed out life. So the person behind that person has to be a pretty strong individual and be able to handle the fact that performers go up and down like a roller coaster depending on what's going on in their career life. I try to stay grounded as a person but I do know the business I'm in. Like, on any given day I can be with my new wife and run into Arnold Schwarzenegger and we try to act normal, because he's also living a very extreme life, but to be able to say, 'hey honey, say hello to Arnold,' and for her to act like he's the guy next door but we all know he's not. I mean, it takes a strong person, because everything's extreme. I'm telling ya.

Speaking on things that are extreme, if you could marry, screw, and kill three different people, who would you choose?
Nah. No. I'm not into answering that kind of stuff. I'm too interesting for that.

What's your take on the situation in Egypt then?
I'm not a political comic...it's a bad situation, I can tell you that. There's nothing good about it. You don't wake up in the morning thinking 'Wow, that's great, people killing each other some more.'

Andrew Dice Clay: "I'm Like Elvis" and "Bill Maher Is an Asshole" (Part II)
Feb. 17 2011

In part I of our interview with Andrew Dice Clay, the comedian managed to come across like an egotistical sexist pig who won't mellow out for anybody. Part II is filled with even more diatribes. Luckily, Clay isn't afraid to throw a few fellow comedians under his Ford Fairlane or makes outrageous claims that are, well, pretty entertaining, if not unrealistic. He admits to being an animal, says he's like the King of Rock and Roll and promises that 2011 will witness his return to stardom. Clay performs at the Miami Improv on February 23 and 24.

Alright, well, back to comedy then. What comedians nowadays are you a fan of?
You know what? I couldn't care less about any of them or what they do. I really only care about my own career and what I could accomplish from it. I think that's the problem with comics, there's no comradery between them. I'll make it real simple - for about 15 years I tried to find the right guys, or girls, or girls and guys, to go do a major tour with, because, like a rock band, it's always better if you can team up, okay? But these guys have such egos about themselves that they won't even team up to do a tour like that. I mean, every now and again you see some middle-of-the-road comics doing it but no substantial stars.

Who were you trying to band together with?
Guys I don't want to mention because it didn't happen and it won't come off right. And I don't really want to talk about them. But, believe me, I've really tried. I've even tried putting together rap and rock, and rap rock and roll. You know where you have comic, rapper, and rock band. That's a whole different thing but just getting comics together to do that is unbelievable because everyone's going 'well, who's going to headline the show?' and I'm going 'what's the difference? If you can follow what I do then maybe you can.' But there's really not a comic on this earth that can follow what I do.

Was there ever a comic you got along with?
Well, Bill Maher to me is like one of the biggest assholes in the world. In 2000 I went back to Madison Square Garden and I always liked Bill and every time I went on his show he'd always plugged what I was doing, if he needed me on the show, I'd do it, so he was always good with me, so I asked him if he wanted to do the Garden with me. And it was already on sale, 7,000 tickets sold already, and he went into this whole thing about how he's not an opening act and I told him that I wasn't treating it as an opening act, it was equal billing, but I told him since he was so cool with me over the years, why not do this together? I mean, I saw his HBO special and he's filthy when he does specials.

So, I thought he would work well with me. And not everyone gets a chance to play Madison Square Garden. And this wasn't 1990, this was 2000, I just went back to do it, and he got afraid of that, I think. He was like 'let's pick some place else, somewhere on the west coast and see how it works.' So I picked Phoenix, Theater of Living Arts, and Jim Norton was the opening act for me at the time. So, it would've been Jim, then Bill, who would've done great, then myself. Then two days before the show his people call my agents and they say he should close the show and I tell my agents that it's up to him. Whatever he wants to do because I know there's no one who can follow me on earth and kill a crowd.

Why can't anyone follow you?
Because I'm an animal on stage. I'm a rock star. I base a lot of what I do on performance other than the material because when I first got involved in stand up and I saw guys like Jay Leno and Seinfeld, you know the straighter guys, I thought they were very funny but kind of boring after a few minutes. So I really tried to add an excitement to stand up, which I have done. So, it's very hard when you're a very straight monologist. So, how is a guy telling jokes and just standing there to follow an animal? An animal that's been uncaged for an hour, you know?

But Bill's ego is so big that he wanted to try this and I didn't fight him. I said 'no pressure, I'll go in the middle.' I absolutely slaughtered the crowd, then he went up and did one the weirdest things I ever saw. He put up a music stand with cardboard notes on it. And I'm thinking during the break 'this guy's going to follow what I did with cardboard notes and a music stand?' Well, he was off that stage in four and a half minutes. This guy I was with timed it. They were booing him off. The minute he went up, he got scared, he didn't talk, and I'm standing behind the curtain thinking 'Say something!' And he came off the stage, went to his dressing room, I talked to him because the promoter wanted him to go back on and he went back on and most of the crowd was gone already, the show lasted 20 minutes, and the night was a disaster because of his own ego. Thinking he's ever going to be able to follow someone like myself is an impossibility. He's a regular comic. It's like Johnny Mathis trying to follow Elvis Presley.

What do you think when people say that Andrew Dice Clay's career is over?
Let's see by the end of this year if it's over.

What do you have planned for this year?
I'm not going to talk about what I'm doing. I'm going to talk about the gig that I'm doing at the Improv which is fun, but, whenever I'm going out, there's always a reason for it. If that's all I had going on, I probably wouldn't be doing this anymore.

Do you like touring clubs?
The last year and a half I stayed in Vegas at the Hilton. That was great. And I still do Vegas but now I'm going out again. You know - there's always reasons.

Do you prefer Vegas over L.A. or New York?
Vegas is the greatest.

Are you a big gambler?
Yes and no.

How yes and how no?
Years ago I was a really big gambler, today I'm not.

What was your game?
Black Jack.

Nothing involving dice?
No.

Does 'Dice' come from your role in Pretty in Pink?
I don't know. I really don't know. No. I did a couple of movies using that name - Making the Grade, Pretty in Pink, yeah, they would just use my name. Another thing nobody's ever gotten to do in movie history is be the same person in different movies with the same name.

But where did 'Dice' come from?
It's just a name. I got a book coming out. So, it'll be written in there.

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He's not a twat at all! No way!