2010

[jsaw200]

So 2009 was not one of my favorite years. Ok, it was better than 1993 even with Poison’s killer album Native Tongue. I still have my orange spandex pants that I wore to one of their concerts. It doesn’t fit good anymore but I keep it in my closet. Sometimes I pull it out and just stare at myself in front of the bathroom mirror. I can deal with my gut hanging out but it freaking kills me when I see what’s up these days with the hair. Even if I wanted my mullet back there’s no chance in hell it’ll ever happen unless I spend a butt load of dough at some rug place. I hear they charge a few grand for a decent rocker look, especially for the late 80’s thing so that’s not gonna happen I guess.
I’m really hoping 2010 is gonna be a lot cooler year than the last one. I mean it has to be man. Since I lost my job, had my bike stolen, got herpes, my VCR quit, gained 17 pounds, can’t find my remote control, was told by ex girlfriend I was “emotionally retarded,” my rent was raised, my George Forman grill only works sometimes, stepped on my glasses and can’t afford new pair, have to shave my ears and a hell of bunch of other stuff but this isn’t all about me so here’s some junk that should have bugged the shit out of everyone.

1. Glenn Beck – Is he the biggest dick on tv? I say yes. Bigger than any of the other assholes on Fox News? I think so. Why? Maybe it’s the sorta crew cut. The Tammy Faye Baker act. The commie boogie man scam. I can’t put my finger on it but he’s at the top of my list anyway.

2. People with fancy phones – Why do people have phones that do everything but wipe their ass? Help me out with this.

3. Fat tv husbands with killer looking wives. I know this has been said before but not enough in my opinion. It’s wrong. Very wrong to do this to the tub of lards of the world cuz they feel bad enough about themselves as it is. Why throw this dream world in their face? Most of us slobs know if we are ever luck enough to even have a wife she’s gonna look just about like a female us. Maybe not as smelly but maybe more so, it’s about a 50/50 deal on that one. Bottom line, ugly people don’t marry really, really pretty people. Except on tv. Maybe that’s why I wanna have my own show too.

4. Boob jobs – Just dumb. Don’t know why chicks think it’s a good career move but it’s mondo popular these days. Even my grandmother got one this year. Maybe it will help her out at the senior center dances but to me it’s still a bad call. I say instead of blowing 10 grand on some water balloons get the transmission on the car rebuilt or buy a ton of lottery tickets. Way smarter.

5. Dave Mathews songs. I know, I know, everyone loves Dave, even I dig him but all his songs sound the same. Would it kill him to shorten them a little? Maybe sing a couple lyrics that don't sound like they’re buried inside a washing machine on heavy load? How about tossing in half a hook, just for the hell of it? The man made 529 million bucks touring the last 10 years without a hook, that might be more impressive than Cal Ripken’s 2,632 game streak.


I know some good things happened too. It’s not all about me ripping on stuff so here’s a short list of good junk that happened in the last 12 months too. Then maybe I won’t get so much hate emails. So here goes.

1. Barack Obama running for president. It was when he became president that I had a problem cuz he’s turned into a huge pussy. I mean why doesn’t he just bitch slap Joe Lieberman? What would it hurt? The dudes never gonna give the Prez any votes that mean something anyway. It’s like he hasn’t figured out the other team would rather swallow a gallon of weed killer than do anything that might make things better in this country. They’ve gone fishing until 2012 when their gal Sarah or the carcass of Dick Cheney can be wheeled out to take the reigns. Our president needs to grow a pair fast. The other side hates his guts. Big deal!

2. Little Caesars Pizza. I know a big chain pizza place is evil but at 5 bucks a pie it comes in handy when you’re almost broke.

3. Regina Spektor’s Far. I might have a crush on this lady but still, this is a really fine album.

4. Steven Seagal: Lawman on A & E. I like this even more than Hoarders or Dog’s show. It’s total eye heroin.

5. Russian dating services. Who would have known so many women who look like Poison groupies would actually go out with me? Not that I’ve actually met one of these ladies yet but I did give this guy who spoke in some accent I couldn’t really understand my credit card number and I think he said a hottie will soon be on her way to my apartment. I sure hope they have that Google Maps thingy in Russia.

If it turns out that 2010 sucks even more than this last year then I will be pretty bummed. It’s tough handling two shitty years back to back. Way more easy to deal with when there’s a not so screwed year or two in between the ones that drain you dry. Guess I’ll do this again next year about now and maybe it’ll be more fun. Later.

:agree:

[faceless]

jsaw, I've been moving your threads into the videos,jokes,etc section.

Please put them in there in future...

[jsaw200]

Shure,no problem faceless :)