Tiger Woods

[jsaw200]

So golf dude Tiger Woods is in deep shit. The whole flipping world is in his business right now and I should care but I just can’t get into it. Why? Cuz I got my own crap to deal with! No I ain’t married to some supermodel from an icy country but that doesn’t mean I’m can’t mess up big time too. I have this sorta girl friend, (let’s call her Mary) and I kinda did what every guy is never supposed to do, ever, yep, sleep with her mother’s sister. There I said it. Even if you start to do Tiger like PI work and dig up my (still?) girl friend’s real name and ask her about this I can’t get in much more trouble anyway. You see, I found out the hard way that screwing around, even with someone my own age is not a good idea (hit in the head with a toaster by GF and kicked in the right knee by mom). Now if I had 1 billion bucks in the bank like Tiger and have health care maybe I wouldn’t care so much but since I’ve probably spent half my pay checks on this girl the last few months and I go to Doc in the boxes it just wasn’t a good business decision. You know what I mean?
You know I would rather get hit by a golf club and wreck one of my butt load of leased SUV’s any day of the week than get clocked with a toaster. Not one of those dinky college dorm ones but the kind that are big enough that Kate and her 8 could scarf all the toast they could cram in their faces (and still have leftovers). It hurt like getting a tooth pulled without the stuff that makes it not that big of a deal. And did I say my GF is not some skinny ass cover girl? No, my sweetie is a beast. I kid you not, she can eat a large sausage pizza (with double cheese) and down a half rack of Pabst in like 5 minutes tops. I’m telling you she has hands and feet that make me feel like a total pussy. Is that clear enough? There’s no quit in her so I knew I’d never want to cross her before I even thought about making a move on Cheryl (the mom’s sister).
So why did I do it? Why did I risk my life and genitals? No good answer really but whatever bull shit I could make up would be better than what Tiger served up. When you got more booty calls demanding their 15 minutes than fingers you got problems. Maybe he could have put out a small fire, I’d say up to 3 but when it got past 5 everyone knew he wasn’t getting off doing a Kobe with a multi mill rock, nah this was going nuclear. Like he may golf again at Putt Putt or something if he rented the place out but showing his face on tv, playing for money? Not for awhile. Why? Cuz big freaking companies that sell cars, viagra and insurance don’t want assholes winning every tournament, holding up Hummer size checks that they chipped in on. Not that they don’t like assholes. They just know regular people that buy their junk don’t like assholes. They have something called research that says they can move a lot more stuff if the pitch man they hire doesn’t make people puke. Now since mostly men watch golf you’d think they might cut Tiger some slack but the smell of death bothers even horny guys. I mean when someone’s ready to have a fork put in em, it bugs all living beings. Animals and fish included.
I saw one of his Team Tiger chicks say on tv this morning that after a night of below par humping she hit him up for some spare change and he said sorry but no. The man didn’t get to be mondo rich by being easy with the cash but it kinda sounds like he’s tighter than a pawn shop in the middle of the month. I know the old line about never giving dough to a bum cuz all they’re gonna do is buy some booze but would it have been that big of a hit to his wallet to give her a couple hun or so to get all dolled up? I’m thinking that was one of those times where he’s now kicking himself after seeing her tell the world how cheap he is. Down the line you can bet future members of Team Tiger will probably get a 15 % tip at least, maybe more cuz of that penny wise-pound foolish deal my uncle used to tell me about.
Some people are now saying that celebrities shouldn’t be made fun of so much when they mess up. They think it’s not nice when the sharks start to rip off little pieces of flesh until all that’s left are gold fillings and toe rings. Me, I sorta feel that when you sign up to be popular it comes with the job cuz there’s a hell of a lot more unpopular people out there and they are really pissed off about it. Can you blame them for binging on all the dirt like a free happy hour spread when dudes like Tiger blow up their lives? It sure is more fun than taking a second to remember how screwed up your own world is with the bill collectors calling, the wife or husband getting wider by the day and knowing the shitty job you have is probably headed to Guam any day now. I say give the people what they want. I think it’s that German word that means digging when others are wallowing in hell. Now all we got to do is sit back and wait a couple more days to see who’s next. It probably won’t be anybody on my wish list, Donald Trump-Ann Coulter or the NY Yankees but you know for sure there will be somebody new served up real soon. Fresh meat. I can hardly wait. Later.

[SpursFan1902]

Wow, that was pretty soul bearing, jsaw, but as an adult female, I have no sympathy for you. You deserved the toaster and so much more. When will guys learn to appreciate what they have at home?

[eefanincan]

I'm not even sure where to start in reply to all of that.....

[faceless]

Jsaw, I've moved your threads in here as they're not news but there certainly seems a certain amount of brain stuffing going on!