Paddy McGuinness

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A funny 5 minutes with… Paddy McGuinness
The comedian, 36, on the funny effects of laxatives, laughing women out of bed, and why a footballer left him feeling inadequate
Dina Behrman
30/08/2009

What’s your all-time favourite TV comedy?
Off the top of my head I’d probably say The Fast Show. I used to love watching it and all my friends at college did too. It was one of the first comedies that spun off a load of catchphrases. I’ve met Paul Whitehouse a couple of times and you do have to resist the urge to shout, ‘Suits you, sir’, at him.

What’s the most mischievous thing you did at school?
I wasn’t a bad kid, but I was quite cheeky. I never got into really bad trouble, but I would come into class 20 minutes late and things like that. Normal schoolboy stuff really.

Who’s the funniest person you know?
There are a few. I’d probably have to say Peter, because otherwise he’d say, ‘Why didn’t you pick me?’ Is Peter Kay funny all the time? I think we’ve got crossed wires. I’m actually on about Peter Beardsley, the ex-Newcastle manager…

What’s the best practical joke you’ve ever played on anyone?
I went to the south of France once about five years ago and my friend was moaning at me for being lazy. So every morning I made him a cup of coffee and he’d say, ‘It’s really strong.’ And I’d say, ‘It’s because it’s French coffee.’ But I made it that strong because every single morning for a week I crushed two laxatives into it, because he’s a real joker himself. It was quite amusing to see him on the toilet for days. Funnily enough, he didn’t find it that funny. I never told him about it until a year later. He wasn’t best pleased. We’re still friends, although I’m waiting for him to get his own back.

Is a sense of humour important in a partner?
Yeah, I think so. I don’t look for anything in particular in a partner, but I suppose it is important – along with other things.

What are the best or worst heckles you’ve had while doing stand-up?
I don’t really get that, to be honest. People just shout things from Max & Paddy or Phoenix Nights. I was at a football event the other night, though, and there was this bloke there who was quite drunk and his team was losing. My team was beating his and he was fuming and flummoxed for things to say and shouted at me, ‘And I don’t like Greggs either!’ [Paddy does the Greggs bakery adverts] I thought, ‘You’re struggling there, love.’

What’s been your most embarrassing moment?
I played in a charity football game for Sir Bobby Robson at St James’ Park before he died. It was the England 1990 World Cup squad reunited to play the Germany squad. After the game I was in the shower when Des Walker, England’s centre-back, came in naked. It wasn’t so much an embarrassing moment, more an inadequate one. I thought, ‘I’m going to have to leave’, but luckily David Platt walked in and I felt better about myself.

Where’s the best place in the country for stand-up crowds?
You can never second-guess an audience. I played Oxford a couple of times and you have preconceptions, ‘Ooh Oxford, bit posh, are they going to like what I’m doing?’ But you go there and they’re brilliant. Other places, my hometown for example, I never feel as though I get enough off them as anywhere else, because I think they’re used to me.

Do you have a backstage rider?
No, I’m the least rock and roll person ever when I’m touring. Maybe I should start asking for a bottle of JD or some white lillies… I’ll have to come up with a list of demands.

Finally, can you tell us a joke?
A friend of mine bought me a ghost boomerang last Christmas. I threw it away. That’ll come back to haunt me.

Have you ever laughed a woman into bed?
No, I don’t think I have. I’ve probably laughed a few out of bed, though…

Has humour ever got you into trouble?
No, it can get you out of it, but it’s never got me in it.

Who is your comedy hero?
I used to enjoy watching Frank Skinner’s stand-up when I was at school, I thought he was hilarious. I watched Steve Coogan live – that was the only gig I ever paid to see when I was younger. Then I met Steve Coogan, and you know they say you should never meet your hero. I did and, well, that was that. He was a bit of a let-down. We’ll just leave that one there I think.

What’s your favourite comedy film scene?
Something About Mary is a very funny film, with some great comedy moments. Like when Ben Stiller gets his willy stuck in his trouser fly… Yes, that’s my kind of humour.