Gordon Ramsay's "The F-Word"

[faceless]

does he really know his plaice?
WHAT NOT TO SWEAR, GORD
25 June 2006

WHAT shall we call them?" Gordon Ramsay asked his children as they took delivery of two pigs destined to spend their brief lives in the back garden of his London home. "How about Bangers and Mash?" replied one of the kids. "I think we should name them Trinny and Susannah," said Gordon. "One's got a fat arse and one's got small nipples." Nice guy.

Anyway, the great thing is that millions of viewers of Channel 4's new F Word series will now be able to follow the touching story of the little Ramsays forming a strong affection for their loveable porkers. Then don't miss this heartwarming saga's uplifting conclusion as the happy youngsters' four-legged friends are killed, hacked to bits and served up for dinner. Isn't that lovely?

I'm no vegetarian. But why is Mr Ramsay so obsessed with making sure his kids - and the rest of us - know all about slaughtering animals? TV's most successful chef has every right to be consumed with the wonder of food. And as the superb cook he undoubtedly is, it's only natural that goreloving Gordon should not shy away from the brutal realities that bring us our Sunday roast. But listen Gordon, I live in a sophisticated 21st century city and I get my food from the shops. Not the bloody abattoir! And, pathetic townie though I might be, I neither want nor need to face the gruesome truth behind the food chain. It's your parental right to fill your kids in on all the horrific details. But I don't see why you have to Ramsay it down my throat!

"You're a very luscious bacon sandwich," drooled the carnivorous restaurant boss as he cuddled an impossibly cute little piglet who was unaware that his future was a kitchen nightmare. All right, we've got the point. It's silly to get sentimental about creatures unless they're pets. But why don't you just stop taunting us about our urban sensitivities? Ramsay is a charismatic telly presenter. Only a man of his unique charm could get away with the random rudeness that peppered the first instalment of the second set of F Words. And compared to most of the dross we have to endure this is an extremely tasty show. But Ramsay's culinary evangelism gives me indigestion.

After nipping out for a smoke because Gordon's kitchen (staffed by amateur chefs) was taking so long to serve her meal, celebrity guest Kathy Burke was berated for her love of cigarettes and swilling pints. "All that smoking and lager means you've got a pallet like a cow's backside," observed Ramsay as he launched another of his trademark offensives. It was none of his business - but the control freak cook carried on: "How many do you smoke a day...what would make you give up?" "Getting pregnant," replied Kathy. "But I'm afraid that's not going to happen now."

Sensing a scoop, Gordon urgently inquired: "Why can't you get pregnant?" "Because I don't want to," came the reply. "Are you going to impregnate me just to stop me smoking?"

Cue a weak joke about low sperm count before Ramsay moved on to a couple of blokes called Dave and Gordon, who he was desperate to stop stuffing their faces with pizzas, kebabs and pot noodles. So our hero went to their flat and cooked the lads a healthy Malaysian curry, which they ate with their mates at the dinner table. "Now stay round the table," barked Ramsay like a regimental sergeant major, "And stay off the phone ordering takeaway sh*t!" Why? They like takeaway sh*t.

Hilariously, as usual, Ramsay lost the recipe challenge. The judges much preferred former Coronation Street star Angela Griffin's homely lasagne to Gordon's gourmet offering. And at Ramsay's special TV studio restaurant out of the 150 dishes served - unsatisfied customers refused to pay for 38.

There's an excuse to use the "F" word if I ever I heard one!

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The fact he was a Rangers player says it all!

[maycm]

Excellent stuff!

I love watching Gordon. though I suspect he may end up turning some of these kids off meat for life.

[Bob]

[Skylace]

I lived eight long years in Indiana and that's pig country. Nothing smells worse than a pig farm (and I've been sulphur mines and paper factories).
As for not wanting to know the details of how your meat gets to your table, then don't watch. However, I would think without even watching it, it's pretty damn obvious.

[faceless]

The reason they can smell bad is because of poor quality care used in factory farming conditions.

[Griffo]

I really can't stand watching Gordon Ramsey..how does he get away with treating people how he does?

How does he get away with someone not giving him a good punch?

[IRiSHMaFIA]

I totally love Hell's Kitchen. He's the nastiest piece of work I've seen and I love it ....as long as it's towards someone else that is. I don't know how some of these people can take the shite he gives out to be honest. I'd of hit him over the head with an iron skillet but I reckon they must want to win badly.

I missed this weeks show and was gutted. It looked like one of the best ones so I have to look and see if it's been capped by anyone. I saw the preview and he was slinging the abuse out more than usual and I think someone gave him some good cheek back. That's the bit I wanted to see most, how he handles it when it's slammed back in his corner.

I don't know if anyone watched the Beckhams World Cup party but he was the one who did the menu for it. He wasn't allowed to be in the kitchen and had to basically promise to stay clear and enjoy the shindig. I reckon they didn't want the guests hearing him spewing out the usual abuse but he did come out with lovely insult. James Brown was performing at the party and when he was finished he sat down for a meal. He wanted to order a chicken sandwich and Gordon said " what does he think this is? Kentucky Fried Chicken for fuck sakes!" He said it pretty loudly too so I'm sure the singer got wind of it. Brilliant stuff