Top Tips

[Sandy]

TOP TIPS!


Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet
paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.


Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the
f**king thing in the first place, you fat b*stard.


Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your
home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of
bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.


Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start
eating cake again.


An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.


Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids
by running a bit slower.


Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your
next fag from the butt of your last one.


Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of
steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn,
meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they
won't know the difference.


High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed
for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.


Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of
your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have
enough to insulate your roof.


Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your
car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like
dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.


A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent
you from rolling over and going back to sleep.


Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by
banging your feet twice on each stair.


At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next
customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.


Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first
date. All he's interested in is seeing you starkers.


Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl
makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing
manner.


Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned
to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.


Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of
washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping
trolley and the other in your coat pocket.


Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They
may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

[faceless]

haha, excellent stuff Sandy!

These are from Viz comic if anyone didn't already know... and here's the most recent additions

[eefanincan]

LOL! Good ones!

[girldorksrule]

Hysterical...thanks!