50. Bernie Ecclestone (Chelsea)
Diminutive Formula One supremo who loved Chelsea so much that he bought Queens Park Rangers with Flavio Briatore and Lakshmi Mittal. “The only way I might get involved in football is if Arsenal is up for sale at a sensible price and I could take total control,” Eccelstone said, before snapping up QPR.
49. Brian McFadden (Coventry City)
Would you want someone who has married Kerry Katona following your team? No, thought not.
48. Morrissey (Millwall)
Maladjusted, miserable former lead singer of The Smiths who has started swanning about Los Angeles in a Millwall top. Viva Hate.
47. Timmy Mallett (Oxford United)
Fair play to him for sticking with Oxford through thick and thin, but that doesn’t excuse the loud shirts, the comedy sunglasses or that bloody mallet. Wins brownie points for stopping West Ham from selling Herbie the Hammer replicas in their club shop. Mallett complained that Herbie looked exactly like Pinky Punky. West Ham said the matter was “trivial”.
46. Jon Anderson (Accrington Stanley)
Owner of a lonely heart who was also the owner of an Accrington Stanley season ticket when he was a boy – promise it’s true, it’s on the internet. Anderson, lead singer with Yes, was a promising football player who nearly made the grade with his hometown club before he devoted himself to a life of high-pitched wailing on seminal prog-rock classics such as The Revealing Science of God (Dance of the Dawn) - a catchy synth-heavy ditty that comes in at just under 23 minutes, or half a half if we're talking football.
45. Kelly Jones (Leeds United)
Pint-sized singer with The Stereophonics who had the dubious pleasure of performing at Wayne Rooney’s wedding. Rooney loves the derivative Welsh rockers so much that he’s tattooed the title of one of their albums – Just Enough Education to Perform - on one of his arms. Classy.
44. Zoe Ball (Manchester United)
“TV personality” who stopped supporting Liverpool and switched to Manchester United when they started winning things. As you do.
43. John McCririck (Newcastle United)
Sexist, Diet-Coke slurping racing pundit and TV personality who supports the Toon even though he was born in Surrey. Redeemed his reputation recently by becoming the first guest to be booed off ITV’s Loose Women.
42. Wayne Rooney (Everton)
Not really a celebrity fan, but he is in OK! every week and he grew up supporting Everton. Also used to love wearing his “Once a blue, always a blue” T-shirt at Goodison Park before he jumped at the chance to join Manchester United at the first possible opportunity.
41. Ricky Hatton (Manchester City)
“When I think of the most important things in my life, there’s my family first, then I’ve got boxing, next comes Manchester City, then it’s Oasis.” No comment.
40. Liam Gallagher (Manchester City)
Mad-for-it Manc who loves Manchester so much that he lives in a plush pad in North London about 200 miles away from his roots, man. Real fan? Definitely maybe.
39. Noel Gallagher (Manchester City)
Mad-for-it Manc who loves Manchester so much that he lives in a plush country pad about 200 miles away from his roots, man. Real fan? Definitely maybe.
38. Mel B (Leeds United)
A match made in heaven.
37. Derek Smalls (Shrewsbury Town and West Ham United)
Legendary bass player with mock rock band Spinal Tap who was wearing a Shrewsbury Town shirt, and packing a massive cucumber, when he was stopped by security guards at Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport during the ill-fated “Tap Into America” tour in 1984. Smalls was a Shrewsbury cult hero until it was revealed that Harry Shearer, the actor who played him, is a West Ham fan. Say it ain’t so, Harry.
36. Gary Rhodes (Manchester United)
Look at me, I can cook. Look at me, I’ve got spiky hair. Look at me, I own lots of restaurants. Look at me, I support Manchester United. Look at me, I use lots of butter and mustard. Go away.
35. Hugh Grant (Fulham)
Posh, handsome, plummy leading man who has been playing the same role in every film he has starred in since 1438. Almost as boring and predictable as Fulham were under Lawrie Sanchez.
34. Status Quo (Tottenham Hotspur)
Shaggy, geriatric rockers who were cool for about five minutes in the Seventies before everyone woke up and smelled the coffee. Whatever you want? Nothing thanks.
33. DJ Spoony (Liverpool)
Wooden by name, wooden by nature. 6-0-6 presenter who should stick to playing records.
32. Pete Doherty (Queens Park Rangers)
Professional layabout whose career went down the pan when he started hanging out with Kate Moss. What a waster.
31. Cerys Matthews (Swansea City and Manchester United)
Big-boned Catatonia singer who shrieked “Deffrwch Cymru cysglyd gwlad y gan, Dwfn yw'r gwendid bychan yw y fflam creulon yw'r cynhaeaf, per yw'r don daw alaw'r alarch unig yn fy mron, Every day when I wake up I thank the Lord I'm Welsh.” Good for you. Next.
30. Ross Kemp (West Ham United)
Ubiquitous former Eastenders hardman who has reinvented himself as a battle-hardened documentary filmmaker. “If Ross Kemp likes camouflage so much, how come I can always see him on my f**king TV?” A round of applause for Steve Coogan.
29. David Mellor (Chelsea)
Former Tory Minister who writes a half-decent weekly football newspaper column and who used to pontificate splendidly when presenting 6-0-6 on BBC Radio Five Live. Doesn’t mean we can forgive him for ruining the country or for dumping Fulham and becoming a Chelsea supporter.
28. Basil Brush (Hull City)
Boom Boom. Is everyone’s favourite anthropomorphic fox really a Hull City fan? Not exactly, but Roy North, the actor who played our furry friend’s sidekick, Mr Roy, most certainly is. Boomtastic.
27. Benito Mussolini (Bologna)
Italian fascist dictator who loved his local club so much that he “helped” them win four Italian league titles between 1925 and 1937. Being bankrolled by the local Fascist administration and the head of the Italian Football Federation did not do their cause any harm either.
26. Tim Lovejoy (Chelsea)
“TV personality” who used to support Watford but now hangs out at Stamford Bridge. Responsible for writing one of the worst books in the history of publishing. “Lovejoy on Football” prompted one reviewer on amazon to write: “As Ally Ross of The Sun pointed out, there are 38 pictures of Lovejoy in this book, eight more than Nelson Mandela used in his autobiography.”
25. Heather Mills (Sunderland)
Say what you like about Mucca, but at least she supports her local side. Accused by The Sun of being a fantasist. Sounds like your average Sunderland fan.
24. David Beckham (LA Lakers)
Goldenballs never used to go to the MEN Arena to watch the Manchester Giants when he was at Manchester United but as soon as he moved to Los Angeles he jumped on the LA Lakers bandwagon and started hanging out with Kobe Bryant - who’s he?
23. Gordon Brown (Raith Rovers)
The PM still finds time to follow Raith Rovers while he's trying to save the world. When he was a boy, the former Chancellor of the Exchequer used to boost Raith’s coffers by selling programmes outside Stark’s Park. It’s a miracle they’re still in business.
22. Jim Bowen (Morecambe and Blackburn Rovers)
Legendary Bullseye presenter and Morecambe's most famous fan. Look who you could have supported.
21. Chris De Burgh (Liverpool)
Annoying warbler who almost single-handedly ruined the Eighties with a love ballad about a lady in a brightly-coloured dress. Don’t go to Anfield early unless you want to hear syrup like this pouring out of the PA system... “The lady in red is dancing with me, cheek to cheek, There's nobody here, it's just you and me, It's where I want to be, But I hardly know this beauty by my side, I'll never forget the way you look tonight.” Pass the sickbag.
20. Sylvester Stallone (Everton)
Got his picture on the front page of almost every single newspaper in England by turning up to Goodison Park for Everton’s 1-1 draw with Reading in the same week that his new Rocky film hit the multiplexes. Coincidence? Maybe, maybe not.
19. Mick Hucknall (Manchester United)
Can a white man sing the blues? Not this one.
18. Alan Green (Macclesfield Town and Linfield)
Irritating BBC radio commentator who is not, repeat is not, repeat has never been, and repeat will never be a Liverpool supporter. “Greeny” says he’s Macclesfield and Linfield through and through and who are we to argue?
17. Amy Winehouse (Aston Villa)
“They tried to make me go to Tottenham, I said no, no, no.” The tabloid’s favourite junkie lives a couple of tube stops away from White Hart Lane and Arsenal but she’s been photographed stumbling around Camden Town with a Villa pendant dangling around her neck. Why Villa? Apparently, her husband Blake Fielder-Civil is a Holte Ender.
16. Elton John (Watford)
He’s loaded and he’s a genuine fan but would you want him supporting your team? Thought not.
15. Delia Smith (Norwich City)
See above.
14. Ant and Dec (Newcastle United)
Professional Geordies who live in West London and make a fortune from presenting some of the worst television programmes in the history of the world. Which one is which? Who cares?
13. Tom Hanks (Aston Villa)
Hollywood actor who supports Villa because he likes their name and because he had a film to flog when he came to London last year. “He was brilliant in Saving Private Ryan,” Martin O’Neill, the Villa manager, said. “It would be a real honour if he came and watched us play.” Don’t hold your breath.
12. Michael Jackson (Exeter City)
Do you wanna be starting something? The King of Pop arrived at St James Park in a blaze of publicity in 2002 to lecture the locals about world peace and harmony. He did it as a favour for Uri Geller, his spoonbending friend and former Exeter chairman. Exeter were relegated out of the Football League the following season. Jackson has not been back since.
11. David Cameron (Aston Villa)
The Bullingdon Berk claims that he is a Villa fan because “the first game I ever went to was an Aston Villa game and so I am an Aston Villa fan”. Man of the people Dave forgot to mention that he was taken along by his uncle, Sir William Dugdale, who just happened to be the Villa chairman at the time.
10. Sean Bean (Sheffield United)
Professional Northerner and former Sheffield United director who is always banging on about how much he loves the Blades. Fell out spectacularly with Neil Warnock, the former United manager, last year. “At a board meeting, he made a big show of how he wanted to make an important point,” Warnock said. “We all waited expectantly and then he said that we should get rid of Captain Blade. That was it. That was all he wanted to talk about. The team mascot. The fluffy thing on the touchline. Captain F**king Blade. That was the extent of his contribution.
9. Piers Morgan (Arsenal)
Never misses a chance to tell the world that he loves Arsenal but spoiled it all by claiming in his Sunday newspaper column that “Arsenal have won precisely nothing since 2004. Not even a Carling bloody Cup.” Arsenal won the FA Cup in 2005.
8. Meat Loaf (Hartlepool United)
Mr Loaf has never been to Hartlepool but he was apparently considering moving to Teesside five years ago because he wanted to live near Victoria Park. He’s never been to a game, he likes pies and he’s overweight. Two out of three ‘aint bad.
7. Zeljko “Arkan” Raznatovic (Red Star Belgrade and Obilic)
Serbian paramilitary mass murderer and ethnic cleanser who was indicted by the United Nations on charges of crimes against humanity and acts of genocide before he was assassinated in 2002.
6. Robbie Williams (Port Vale)
The man who ruined the build-up to every single professional football game in the world by recording “Let Me Entertain You”.
5. Osama Bin Laden (Arsenal)
In a cave, somewhere in Pakistan, the most wanted man in the world is kicking his battered transistor radio as news reaches him that Arsenal have lost again. “That bloody infidel Wenger,” he wails. “Death to Israel! Death to America! Death to Tottenham!”
4. Nick Hornby (Arsenal)
Before “Fever Pitch” we could pay at the turnstiles, stand on the terraces and watch a fight. After “Fever Pitch” we have to pay £50, sit next to a solicitor and give Sky £40 a month.
3. Jon Gaunt (Coventry City)
We hate to kick a man when he’s down – “Gaunty” was sacked by TalkSPORT recently – but you probably wouldn’t want to sit next to everyone’s least favourite right-wing shock jock at a game.
2. Russell Brand (West Ham United)
Potty-mouted “comedian” who minces about Upton Park pretending he owns the place. Also writes a pathetic weekly football column in The Guardian and called his autobiography “My Booky Wook”.
1. Adolf Hitler (Schalke 04)
Hitler may have bombed Old Trafford, but he wasn’t a Manchester City fan. The Fuhrer had a soft spot for Schalke, who, funnily enough, were German champions six times between 1933 and 1945. “Winning a match,” Joseph Goebbels, Hitler's propaganda chief, wrote, “is of more importance to the people than the capture of a town in the East.’” He obviously never went to a Norwich-Millwall game.
