Worst Gigs Ever

[faceless]

WORST. GIGS. EVER.
Top comics share their horror stories
By ED KAZ!
May 30, 2008

Sure. You see a comedian on HBO or Comedy Central or on stage at a major area club and you think, "Ha ha! Funny! Such an easy life — telling jokes and getting paid." Well, hold it right there, partner. Ask any established comic and he or she will quickly inform you that it's not always gales of laughter and People's Choice Awards. Sure, there's that spot on Letterman or Kimmel, but there's also that all-nude strip club in Western New Jersey. Over the past few years I asked several top comics to recount some of their worst gigs ever. Here now are the chilling details:

VIC DIBITETTO: My worst gig? Wow, there were a lot of those. The one I can think of right now is the Beefsteak in North Jersey for 500 drunken firemen. They threw beefsteaks and bread at me! (Laughs.) Now it's funny!

COLIN QUINN: There were so many, but there was a gig upstate where they chased me out of town with bats, you know, in the middle of my act. That was pretty bad.

GEORGE CARLIN: My (former) partner and I, Jack Burns. We got a gig in Flint, Mich., at the Palace Gardens, which in essence was really a bar with a dance floor that had acts some of the time, apparently. And we came into work that night and the bar was all lined up with people in their work clothes, like cement workers and construction guys and — — — —. And sitting at the tables was, like, a softball team that had just come back from practice or a game or something. And we had to do a — — — — show with our stuff. And during one of the nights, someone went up and turned on the jukebox during our act.

LISA LANDRY: Once I was working at Rascals and an audience member got so drunk — and I'm so funny — he actually projectile-vomited from his seat onto the edge of the stage. And the bouncer didn't escort him out of the showroom.

KEVIN JAMES: I was hired to do stand-up for a bachelor party. One guy hired me, not telling his buddies. They thought they were gonna get a stripper and they got me. And I had to stand on a chair in the middle of the room and try to do my act. That didn't go over too well. But that's when I started my pole dancing.

GARY MICHAELS: I played a cruise ship on New Year's Eve. Unless my name was Jack Daniel's or Trojan, no one wanted to hear me.

JACKIE "THE JOKE MAN" MARTLING: I did a show in 1986 at The Ringling Brothers Barnum & Bailey Circus Training Camp in Sarasota, Florida. I did a show for 200 midgets. I got a standing ovation and I didn't even know it.

ROSS BENNETT: I was doing a bar in Canada about 20 years ago and there was a balcony that went around the whole room and there were people over my head and they were pouring beer on me. Doesn't get much worse than that.

MITCH FATEL: A girl came up on stage and threw up on my shoes.

JIM NORTON: I used to perform for three consecutive nights — four sets a night — in an all-nude strip club in Western New Jersey. And it was "bring your own alcohol," which made for an even more wonderful performance vibe. I would get lap dances in between sets. There were always bikers heckling me. I stole everyone's material that I knew. Anything to get through those awful nights.

DON JAMIESON: I once did a company Christmas party and I did so awfully that they paid me double because they felt sorry for me. They also fired the guy who hired me.

ROBERT KELLY: Outside in the afternoon at a beer fest in the rain after a band next to a skydiving simulator.

DAVE ATTELL: Worst gig is easy: Any show that ends with you thinking, "I just hope I make it to my car." Yes, comedy is one of the few types of entertainment that can end with violence. I've had some bottles thrown at me and guys who wanted to kick my ass. I do not think that happens in the Ice Capades.

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Not really as many horror stories as there should be really - I one got punched in the eye by a heckler!

[Griffo]

[faceless]

haha, well I was running a new comedy night in a pub. I'd have 3-4 new acts on then a well-known pro to close the show. I couldn't charge entry because the women's toilets for the whole bar were at the back of the room and you're not allowed to charge entry in that situation, so it was open to everyone.

Anyway, there was this pissed woman who wouldn't shut up and kept heckling every person like a wino shouting at the sky. It got to the stage where one act said to the audience (of about 40) 'On three, we all shout 'Shut the fuck up!' at her and see if that works', so that happened and at the end I shouted 'And fuck off as well!'.

She then came at me, but I had her out the door before she knew what was going on and left her there.

Later in the evening my boss was in and I was sitting telling him about this 'mad bitch who wouldn't shut up' when suddenly WHACK. She'd sneaked back in then took a sucker-punch at me - and cut me around the eye as she was wearing a ring.

About 3 years later I was waiting in this bar for a pint and a woman came up to me offering to buy a drink. I gladly accepted and got chatting with her. We had a good time, but she had to leave for a train and walked off. Hours later I realised it was her! I wonder what she'd have bought me if she'd kicked me in the nuts?

haha

[SpursFan1902]

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