How a generation of stars bombed in Glasgow

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How a generation of stars bombed in Glasgow's notorious comics graveyard
Dec 12 2008
Annie Brown
Daily Record

SHOWBIZ veteran Johnny Beattie maintains that if a Glasgow audience like you, they will let you live. Roy "Chubby" Brown didn't bother to find out this week when he stormed off stage after a mere four minutes of heckling from the crowd at the city's Clyde Auditorium.

The controversial comedian might be fat, but he's clearly got a thin skin and couldn't handle being booed after he made a joke about the recent Mumbai massacre. What made him lose it is hard to say. It might have been arrogance or, God forbid, fear. If it was the latter, it was a big mistake, according to comedian Jane Godley.

She said: "I have seen comedians struggle because they let the audience smell the fear. If they get a sniff of that, they will attack like a bunch of straggly, one-legged dogs from Easterhouse. Glasgow audiences are unforgiving but, if you hit them on the funny bone, they will go with you down 100 routes of madness. They have to trust you first to make them laugh."

The irony that someone so obscenely offensive as Chubby Brown should be so easily offended isn't lost on Jane. She said: "For a man who built his whole career on being outrageous and racist, to take the hump after four minutes was crazy. Did he not have a comeback after centuries in the business?"

Chubby is English and the Auld Enemy can be at a disadvantage in Glasgow. Showbiz veteran Johnny Beattie said when he played the infamous Empire Theatre, he made his roots clear. He said: "I was there in 1957 but then I'm no daft. I put a kilt on. I wanted them to know 'I'm one of you'."

The theatre was notorious as the "graveyard of comics", particularly English ones. The city's Pavilion could also be a tough gig but it was the Empire which cemented Glasgow's unforgiving reputation. Johnny said: "It was the place where no turn was unstoned. Actually, if they had talent, they got by. I remember seeing an unknown Max Bygraves and they loved him. They recognised talent. I don't think Glasgow is that tough to play, certainly not to their own people and not if you are good enough.

"Roy Chubby Brown is a different story. He is always going to be on a knife-edge. He did a gag about Mumbai and the audience didn't like it so they let him know. In my day, we would never ever have dreamed of doing a gag about something like that. It would have been taboo. Hundreds of people died there, for God's sake."

Comedian and presenter Fred MacAulay diplomatically calls the Glasgow audiences "fiesty" and "earthy". He said: "I have had a few English comedian friends who have come up and suffered. I don't know why the audiences are like that. Maybe they are just playing up to their reputation." Fred has never encountered their wrath but claims he would have carried on regardless. Fred said: "If I had been Brown, I would have ploughed on, if for no other reason that I wouldn't give up the money for a gig. He's clearly got too much cash. His Rolls-Royce must have plenty of petrol in it."

At least he didn't faint like poor Des O'Connor. Morecambe and Wise used to tell the tale of Des being dragged under the curtains of the Empire so the audience could see the words "Goodnight all" imprinted on the soles of his shoes. Not that Eric and Little Ern had an easy ride, and the 10 shillings (50p) a week extra in danger money the Empire paid them reflected that. Many a night they walked off the stage to a tumbleweed response. The miserable fireman, who used to stand in the wings, must have felt their pain when he took a fag out of his mouth and drawled dryly: "They're beginning to like you".

Mike and Bernie Winters joined the ranks of those crucified at the Empire in their debut performance. Their act always started with Mike springing on to the stage to play a zippy number on his clarinet. After a couple of minutes, Bernie's cheeky face would peek through the centre curtains. But from the Glasgow audience came the cry "Christ, there's two of 'em".

Liz O'Neil, who was an usherette at the Empire in the Fifties, said it wasn't just comedians who got pelters. She remembers a topless act facing an onslaught of ice cream from outraged punters in the stalls. She said: "They had to close the theatre midway through the show when the audience started throwing ice cream on to the stage and the main dancer nearly slipped on it. Bobby, the maestro in the orchestra pit, was hit on the head with a coin thrown from the audience."

And more recently Glaswegians have shown their disapproval to stars such as Sheena Easton and Ryan Adams. Easton's much vaunted homecoming ended in disaster when she performed at the massive Big Day festival on Glasgow Green in 1990. She was booed by tens of thousands of fans after introducing tracks in an excruciating mid-Atlantic accent. The visibly shaken singer was showered with bottles, some containing urine, throughout her short, chaotic set. Afterwards, she vowed never to play in Scotland again and has been as good as her word.

New York rocker Ryan Adams was booed by an angry crowd at Glasgow's Carling Academy during a shambolic performance, which saw him make false starts to songs and ramble incoherently between numbers. But perhaps a tale from the old comic and impressionist Victor Seaforth best illustrates the Glasgow audience. Victor, known as the man with a thousand voices, died a thousand deaths when he played support at the Empire. In a book, he recalled how he couldn't be heard over the shouts for the main act, Charlie Gracie.

Sheer terror took hold and he had to resist the urge to vomit. He said: "I cut out my gags and just worked on my singing numbers. But I broke into a cold sweat, knowing that I had to finish on my impression of Charles Laughton as Quasimodo, the Hunchback of Notre Dame. "The rude noises got louder still and, as I carried on towards the end of my study, a really loud Scottish voice shouted out 'Away hame, you humpy-backed old b*****d.' "It was the longest week of my life and every performance was a nightmare."

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This article gave me a good laugh and goes some way to explain why I'm perfectly happy to call bollocks when I see it!