Dear Alcohol

[Bat]

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.
My friend, you always seem to be there when needed.
The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the pub - and you're even around
in the holidays, warming me when I'm stuck in the midst of endless family
gatherings.
However, lately I feel you may not have my best interests at heart

1. Phone calls:While I agree with you that communication is important, I
question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity take
place after 2AM.
Why would you make me call or text those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I
know for a fact that they do not want to hear from me during the day, let
alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I
eat a kebab with chilli sauce, along with stale chips (washed down with WINE
& topped off with a Kit Kat after a few Doritos & chilli dip)? I'm an
eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness:Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more
yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by
causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue
marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front
door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore:The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I
know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order,
but the 4PM hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is
shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B,
bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on
the kitchen
floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way
interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I would like to ensure that we remain on good terms.
You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter,
and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra
money in my pockets.
I ask that you carefully review my grievances above I will look for a
response no later than Friday 3pm (pre-happy hour)
Your Biggest Fan

[HandoGod]

indeed m8