My Ex-Girlfriend

[jsaw200]

So if I’m such a disgusting waste of human flesh why did she go out with me for almost 2 years? Even if I was like filler material between hotter boy friends that’s a pretty long time for someone just hanging around don’t cha think? Yeah, I guess I did sorta think things were ok. Not great but not so bad she had to write about it on her freaking Facebook thingy. I gotta say times were a lot more fun when she didn’t think it was cool to call me really, really bad names. Not that I’m a baby or anything but after hearing all these crappy things said about yourself even you start to believe some of it except for sure I don’t pick my nose at the dinner table as much as she said.
Everything was actually great for about a year. Even she would admit it. I guess it started going downhill when I took her to Hooters for our 12 month anniversary. I had one of those two for one coupons a buddy game me ok? It was for any of the deep fried stuff on the bar menu. Their sorta food was horrible but the beer was decent so I just don’t get the attitude I got from her. I mean I still spent like 20 bucks or so. And did I say I still took her to Baskin & Robbins afterwards? So it’s not like I’m a cheapskate or something man. I’m pretty damn sure that was the day when things really went to hell. Yeah it didn’t help things about a month later when she found my collection of classic Penthouses from the early 80’s. You woulda thought I was some kind of pervert or something. Hey, I just happen to dig peeking at 100% real boobs, is that too freaky?
Speaking of sex I guess I wasn’t as talented as some of her old boyfriends. I read something in her diary about how a lot of them made her feel so special and how I treated her like a Cub Scout den mother. Guess that’s not a good thing. Man I know I’m not like Sting or that lame guy on Grey's Anatomy but some of my old girlfriends seemed to be ok with me (at least for awhile). I can’t be that bad. Just in case last week though I did check out one of those Better Sex videos from the library. It couldn’t hurt you know? The way I look at it is I may not be world class in this area but I don’t need pills yet to handle my boyfriend duties and my herpes almost never shows up these days so I’m a keeper regardless of what she says.
From what I hear a lot women want to be with a dude who listens to every word they say. Even if Sons of Anarchy is on the tube or your friends are going to shoot hoops at the Y you still needed to put her first or at least that’s what she wrote in the last break up letter she left at my apartment. Maybe she was right cuz when I think about it most of my old girlfriends kinda talked a lot about this listening deal so maybe I should work on it more with my next one. It’s just kinda tough when they bring up stuff about things I’m not into like movies without many special effects, shopping and her asshole co-workers. There’s only so many hours in the day and with On Demand waiting for me it’s tough to just sit there and listen to junk that’s not that interesting. Now if my cable ever gets shut off or something then I bet I would be a really good listener. Or if aliens from some other planet took over earth and put their own shows on tv (and they sucked)then it would be a heck of a lot easier to be a good boyfriend. I bet I would totally be the world’s best boyfriend if that ever happened.
I’m thinking I should take some time off from women after this car wreck. Maybe chill for a few months and work on being a nicer guy. But what if I change and start dating someone new but the same thing happens again? You know, she kinda likes me at first but after a while she figures out she really hates me instead. It can mess up your head when it happens so many times. You’d think I could find someone who wouldn’t get sick of me after they learn pretty much everything I’m about. A couple buddies said I should just hide the bad stuff, especially the classic Penthouse stash but that would be tough for me cuz I have a big mouth. I just can’t keep a secret. Especially if it’s about me. Like there’s no way I could ever cheat. No freaking way cuz I would spill the beans as soon as my GF would smell me. It might be after a quick hi or can I have a beer but probably within 30 seconds or so. I guess you could say I would suck as a spy.
When I am ready to get back out there and meet someone I think I’ll need to try to something different. No more scamming biker chicks at Taco Tuesdays (way too dangerous). No more Parents Without Partners dances (at least until I really have a kid). No more faking like I’m an alcoholic and going to AA meetings (most of them smoke). No when the time is right I’m going to be way smarter for sure. Some dude I met at the Laundromat was telling me about this lady called Ashley Madison who has this place on the internets. He said it was a sure thing and I’m a guy who could really use that right now. Hey, if I do get lucky there I’ll let you know. Gotta go. Later.

[Skylace]

Jsaw, if this is supposed to be a practice in comedy it's a bit too long winded. About half way through I got bored and it reminded me of a lot of other stuff I have seen and heard before. Something shorter and snappier would go along way because the potential is there.

[jsaw200]

It's not for everyone ; ) you have a great day! : )

[faceless]

It's good advice from Skylace, jsaw...

It sounds like a monologue, but you've not edited it for the net.

Timing is everything, as I'm sure you'd agree, so even the simple lack of double-spacing paragraphs makes it less palatable. You did double-space in an earlier post, and that made a clear difference...

[pirtybirdy]

Maybe it needs some b'dum dum tishes as well. lol!

[faceless]

that alone deserves one!

haha

[Skylace]

[jsaw200]

no problem,I have a dry sense of humor....LOL