Hiccups

[jsaw200]

I am sitting here trying to keep my head from bobbing up and down like a old bottle of bleach floating in the ocean. About every 16 seconds it hits, sometimes with a sound track and other times just a jerking on mute in the upper chest area. With all the fancy pills companies make why don’t they have one for hiccups? Would it be so tough to come up with something that would stop this freaking thing? I mean they came up with a cure for a limp penis, bad acne, peeing all night long, being depressed, being way too happy, restless feet, actually there’s something for everything that you could ever want fixed and a couple you wouldn’t because it would be too embarrassing to even think of walking up to a Walgreen’s dude in the white coat and handing him a piece of paper asking for it.
When you say to a friend or family member that you have this problem they almost always just sorta laugh and start talking again about junk that’s important to them. More important to them than hic-cups I guess. It has to be the toughest health problem to get any sympathy from I’m telling you and it’s not fair cuz hiccups are way worse than pink eye or athletes foot. Have you ever tried to talk to a hot chick with this problem? It can’t be done! Or go looking for a job? Filling out the application is doable (except for a few words that look like an earthquake hit) but the interviews never go well. I think they think I am one of those special needs people who will always be asking for a ramp to be built here or a demand a ban on perfume or aftershave in the office there. I guess that’s why I never, ever go looking for work when I have the hic-cups anymore. It’s a waste of time.
Probably the thing that most pisses me off about getting them is thinking they have stopped and they like haven’t. You know when about 45 seconds go by and nothing. Not even a mini hiccup. You start to hope that it may now be over with and you can return to being a semi normal human. Maybe even go up to that hot chick and say something sorta cool and not look like someone who needs them to call 911 to save a life. It can be tricky knowing when it’s over. Really over and not just another couple minute break in an all nighter. These days I just keep telling myself that no matter how long it is between hiccups they are just resting before they start bugging the shit out of me again. Most of the time I am right and even though they didn’t stop I feel good about myself for being right about something (anything).
One other thing you need to keep in mind is not wanting to kill people (especially those you hardly know, like the guy at the dry cleaners or the lady at the library) for telling you how to fix it by just …. (fill in the blank). Crap like breathing into a paper bag or holding your breath for a half hour sounds like it might work but the truth is they won’t stop until they are ready no matter what you try. I finally figured this out. After almost killing myself breathing into a plastic garbage bag one night I now know hiccups have a mind of their own and don’t give a shit when I try to make them go away. The only thing close to actually helping them kinda go bye-bye was a fifth of tequila. I don’t even know for sure if it works cuz it’s tough to know when the hiccups end and the puking starts but it’s possible it's a semi cure.
Since I still have them right now (good thing I’m typing this on the downtown library computer and not using a pen) I think I‘m gonna finish this thing up and head down to the liquor store for some more medicine. If it works I’ll be pretty damn happy. If it doesn’t then I’ll go back and maybe try the peppermint schnapps (my aunt swears by it). The thought of that stuff overflowing out of my mouth and nose violently at 3 in the morning is disgusting but so be it cuz I’m not gonna let this beat me again. Later.