Improvements in Hell
An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside
cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,
and begins to read her book.
The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a fish and game warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?'
'reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'isn't that obvious?')
'you're in a restricted fishing area,' he informs her.
'i'm sorry, officer, but i'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'yes, but i see you have all the equipment.
For all i know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'if you do that, i'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'but i haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'that's true, but you have all the equipment..
For all i know you could start at any moment.'
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home,they found the mailman dead on their porch.
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."
"It was my first day with the hook."
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the man that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the man assures the pharmacist that he has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist: "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the man.
"Do you have the container it comes in?" the pharmacist asks.
"Yes!" the man replies: "I'll go and get it!."
He returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says: "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed man snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: ", ' It specifically says - 'To apply, push up bottom'."
Posted: Fri Dec 14, 2012 11:13 am Post subject: Lateral wish ?
A couple is celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary and their 60th birthdays on the same day.
During the celebration, a fairy godmother appears and says that because they've been such a loving couple all those years, she will give them one wish each.
The wife says she wants to travel around the world. The fairy waves her wand, and boom! The woman has a wad of tickets in her hand.
Next, it is the husband's turn. He pauses for a moment, then says shyly: "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger then me."
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