{"id":1694,"date":"2023-12-24T02:39:00","date_gmt":"2023-12-24T02:39:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/couchtripper.com\/blog\/?p=1694"},"modified":"2024-08-24T12:51:15","modified_gmt":"2024-08-24T12:51:15","slug":"alan-partridge-text-interviews","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/couchtripper.com\/blog\/?p=1694","title":{"rendered":"Alan Partridge &#8211; text interviews and that"},"content":{"rendered":"<div class=\"xdj266r x11i5rnm xat24cr x1mh8g0r x1vvkbs\">\n<div dir=\"auto\">\n<div class=\"polaris__simple-grid--main -header-container\">\n<div class=\"-article-header -body-content\">\n<h1 class=\"polaris__heading -content-title\">Alan Partridge on teen years, getting older and why, in a way, he\u2019s always been a chat show host<\/h1>\n<div class=\"-content-subtitle\">\n<p>Alan Partridge has been a constant on our TVs and airwaves for over 30 years. Even when there have been tricky, sometimes Toblerone-flecked, years in the wilderness he has bounced back<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"polaris__post-meta\">\n<div class=\"polaris__post-meta--meta\">\n<div class=\"polaris__post-meta--author\">ALAN PARTRIDGE<\/div>\n<div class=\"polaris__post-meta--date\"><span class=\"polaris__date\">23 Dec 2023<\/span><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"polaris__primary-media -has-image-metadata\">\n<div class=\"polaris__image--wrapper\">\n<figure><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"polaris__image\" src=\"https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_Partridge-author-photo.jpg\" srcset=\"https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_Partridge-author-photo-150x84.jpg 150w, https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_Partridge-author-photo-768x432.jpg 768w, https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_Partridge-author-photo-1536x864.jpg 1536w, https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_Partridge-author-photo-1530x860.jpg 1530w, https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_Partridge-author-photo-768x432.jpg 768w, https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_Partridge-author-photo.jpg 1920w\" alt=\"Alan Partridge\" width=\"1920\" height=\"1080\" \/><\/figure>\n<div class=\"polaris__image--meta\">\n<p>Alan Partridge. Portrait by Adam Lawrence<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"polaris__newsletter-popup\">\n<div class=\"polaris__modal--container\">\u00a0<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"-article-social-container\">\n<div class=\"polaris__social -article\"><span class=\"polaris__social--main-title\">SHARE<\/span><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"polaris__simple-grid--main\">\n<div class=\"polaris__simple-grid--body-content\">\n<div class=\"-article-content-container\">\n<p><em>Alan Partridge was born on 2 April 1955 in King\u2019s Lynn. After a long, unpaid stint on hospital radio station Radio Smile at St Luke\u2019s Hospital, Norwich (1975-\u201983), he became a radio traffic reporter and, by the late 80s was a sports reporter on Radio Norwich, honing the enthusiastic commentary style which would later serve him so well on the BBC shows On The Hour and The Day Today.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>In 1994 Partridge was given his own chat show, Knowing Me, Knowing You, at his beloved BBC. It sadly ended in tragedy when he accidentally shot and killed restaurant critic Forbes McAllister on air.<\/em><\/p>\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\">\n<figure class=\"alignright size-full is-resized\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"wp-image-204159\" src=\"https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_11112.jpg\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1920px) 100vw, 1920px\" srcset=\"https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_11112.jpg 1920w, https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_11112-150x84.jpg 150w, https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_11112-768x432.jpg 768w, https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_11112-1536x865.jpg 1536w, https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_11112-1527x860.jpg 1527w\" alt=\"Scene from I'm Alan Partridge\" width=\"1920\" height=\"1081\" \/>\n<figcaption class=\"wp-element-caption\">With assistant Lynn, girlfriend Sonja and friend Michael in season 2. Image: BBC Pictures<\/figcaption>\n<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n<p><em>The following year, he suffered a bitter personal blow as his wife Carol, mother to his two children Fernando and Denise, left him for her fitness instructor. This may have contributed to his a breakdown while filming his Xmas TV special Knowing Me, Knowing Yule, during which he punched BBC Commissioning Editor Tony Hayers with a turkey.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Alan Patridge\u2019s stint as a long-term guest in the Linton Travel Tavern was immortalised in 1997, when the first series of the fly-on-the-wall documentary I\u2019m Alan Partridge was aired. The second series followed in 2002, focusing on his relationship with his Ukrainian girlfriend Sonja Puchkovskaya (right), and telling all about his harrowing Toblerone addiction.<\/em><\/p>\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\">\n<figure class=\"alignleft size-full is-resized\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"wp-image-204171\" src=\"https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_1278-COVER.jpg\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\" srcset=\"https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_1278-COVER.jpg 800w, https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_1278-COVER-106x150.jpg 106w, https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_1278-COVER-768x1087.jpg 768w, https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_1278-COVER-608x860.jpg 608w, https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_1278-COVER-305x432.jpg 305w\" alt=\"Big Issue cover\" width=\"800\" height=\"1132\" \/><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n<p><em>After a wilderness period, which saw Partridge attempt to rebrand as a life coach, he returned to his roots in 2011, presenting Mid Morning Matters, a North Norfolk Digital radio show. Back on track, a number of documentaries followed \u2013 among them tributes to his home county (Welcome To The Places Of My Life) and Britain\u2019s class divide (Alan Partridge\u2019s Scissored Isle \u2013 as well as his autobiography I, Partridge: We Need To Talk About Alan.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Partridge appeared on the cover of Big Issue in 2017\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/culture\/alan-partridge-vs-malcolm-tucker-how-our-iannucci-exclusive-broke-internet\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">alongside The Thick of It\u2019s Malcolm Tucker<\/a>\u00a0to discuss Brexit. The pair don\u2019t get on very well, even when Partridge recommends mindfulness to the angry spin doctor \u2013 \u201cI know three people who\u2019ve given it a go. One of them killed himself, but it worked wonders for the other two.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"polaris__simple-grid--aside\">\n<div class=\"polaris__simple-grid--sticky\">\u00a0<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"polaris__simple-grid--main\">\n<div class=\"polaris__simple-grid--body-content\">\n<div class=\"-article-content-container\">\n<p><em>In 2019, he made his BBC return with This Time, a current affairs programme. Highlights included him performing mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on a mannequin called Eileen (\u201cCome on, Eileen!\u201d) soundtracked by Queen\u2019s Another One Bites the Dust and meeting an lookalike who sang Irish republican songs on air.\u00a0Following the second series, Partridge opted to move into podcasting with The Oasthouse, now on its third series.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Speaking to The Big Issue for his\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/tag\/letter-to-my-younger-self\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Letter to My Younger Self<\/a>, Alan Partridge reflects on a life which has brought him professional success, but on a personal level has been a bit of mixed bag, if we\u2019re being honest<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Change a Big Issue vendor\u2019s life this Christmas\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.bigissue.com\/christmas\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">by purchasing a Winter Support Kit<\/a>. You\u2019ll receive four copies of the magazine and create a brighter future for our vendors through Christmas and beyond.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Paint a picture for us \u2013 what kind of teenage boy were you?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>I wasn\u2019t your typical teenager. Whether it was because my mum cut my hair or because I wasn\u2019t allowed to sit in the front seat of the car until I was 15, I retained a wonderfully childlike quality long into adolescence. I\u2019d spend weekends \u2013 not sniffing glue or kissing with tongues \u2013 but collecting conkers or drawing pictures of the Red Arrows or writing letters to the Red Arrows.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>The day before my 15th birthday, I had my passing out parade at the Scout hut. I shook hands with every Scout there, saluted the Scout Leader, lowered and folded the flag and then, while the others ran off to the recreation ground to hoik up a rope swing, I walked in the other direction \u2013 needing to find myself. I walked for what seemed like miles but was probably just kilometres until, in the window of a charity shop, I saw a denim jacket and knew I had to have it. I bought it, tossed my neckerchief into a river and donned the denim. Even though it was a woman\u2019s jacket initially made for a female darts team, wearing it transformed me. Suddenly I had swagger, attitude and beef. If clothes maketh the man, then that denim jacket sure madeketh me.\u00a0<\/p>\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-full\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"wp-image-204169\" src=\"https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_shutterstock_editorial_282304c.jpg\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1920px) 100vw, 1920px\" srcset=\"https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_shutterstock_editorial_282304c.jpg 1920w, https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_shutterstock_editorial_282304c-150x84.jpg 150w, https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_shutterstock_editorial_282304c-768x432.jpg 768w, https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_shutterstock_editorial_282304c-1536x864.jpg 1536w, https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_shutterstock_editorial_282304c-1530x860.jpg 1530w\" alt=\"\" width=\"1920\" height=\"1080\" \/>\n<figcaption class=\"wp-element-caption\"><br \/>The voice of Radio Norwich. Image: Jackie Di Stefano\/Shutterstock<\/figcaption>\n<\/figure>\n<p><strong>What were your main concerns and\u00a0preoccupations?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Throughout these years, scouting always came first \u2013 had to, we\u2019d sworn allegiance to Lord Baden Powell and Her Majesty the Queen and I\u2019m sorry but that meant something. But after leaving the Scouts due to my age, my world opened up. Suddenly my eyes were opened to music, girls, cars and yes, the odd illicit substance! While drugs per se didn\u2019t arrive in Norwich until the late \u201970s, I\u2019d learned that you could open the cola mixer tap in the school canteen and pour out some syrup to get a sugar rush. High on the cocktail of vegetable extracts, me and another boy would spend afternoons giggling and talking at 100mph, or 70mph certainly.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>All good fun but soon I began to fixate on these stolen gulps of sugar. I\u2019m not saying I became dependent \u2013 that would trivialise substance issues \u2013 but I sure wanted it very much. One day it dawned on me: I barely recognised the boy I had become \u2013 one who said \u2018yeah\u2019 instead of \u2018yes\u2019 and \u2018what\u2019 instead of \u2018pardon\u2019, a boy who could barely remember how to even draw a Red Arrow. I knew I had to beat this. Fortunately, one weekend, the canteen changed the mixer to something called Trident Cola which tasted absolutely rancid. \u00a0<\/p>\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\">\n<figure class=\"alignleft size-full is-resized\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"wp-image-204161\" src=\"https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_115446.jpg\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\" srcset=\"https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_115446.jpg 800w, https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_115446-90x150.jpg 90w, https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_115446-768x1275.jpg 768w, https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_115446-518x860.jpg 518w, https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_115446-260x432.jpg 260w\" alt=\"\" width=\"800\" height=\"1328\" \/>\n<figcaption class=\"wp-element-caption\"><br \/>Series one of I\u2019m Alan Partridge. Image: BBC Pictures<\/figcaption>\n<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n<p><strong>How did you get on with the opposite sex?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Was I a hit with the girls? Not really. My mother told me that holding hands with a girl could cause her to fall pregnant, but she didn\u2019t explain it was a joke for several years and even though I knew it probably wasn\u2019t true, the holding-hands-pregnant thing did retard my confidence around girls.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>Things changed one hot summer. I had always suffered from nosebleeds and would regularly have to sit with the school nurse until they subsided. One day, a new girl \u2013 who was also having a nosebleed \u2013 plonked herself next to me. We sat in silence that afternoon and on many other afternoons thereafter; over time, a bond began to form and soon we\u2019d find ourselves sitting outside the nurse\u2019s office, silently holding each other\u2019s hand while our remaining hand clutched tissues to our respective noses.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>Everyone called her Bloody Mary, but I later found out her name was Helen. She moved away over the holidays and, though I\u2019m sad we never spoke, I cherish those quietly companionable nosebleed afternoons. \u00a0<\/p>\n<p><strong>Did you always have an ambition to be a chat show host?\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>In a way, I\u2019ve always been a chat show host, forever peppering parents and teachers with questions and conversation-starters. From slightly annoying ones like \u201cAre we nearly there yet?\u201d or \u201cWhy does dad make a murmuring noise when he eats?\u201d \u2013 to deeper, more existential queries such as \u201cDoes God see women getting undressed?\u201d As I grew older, people began to say, \u201cWhat is this, some\u00a0kind of interview?\u201d and I realised that I had matured into a very accomplished interlocutor. I\u2019d see the likes of Johnny Carson and David Frost on the TV and\u00a0realise that if they could earn fame and fortune asking questions, then so could I. \u00a0<\/p>\n<p>And I did. Without being vulgar (I know this is a magazine for the homeless) I have earned more than \u00a3150,000 in 18 of the last 25 years.<\/p>\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-full\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"wp-image-204165\" src=\"https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_HD7ACE.jpg\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1920px) 100vw, 1920px\" srcset=\"https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_HD7ACE.jpg 1920w, https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_HD7ACE-150x84.jpg 150w, https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_HD7ACE-768x432.jpg 768w, https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_HD7ACE-1536x864.jpg 1536w, https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_HD7ACE-1530x860.jpg 1530w\" alt=\"Alan Partridge with three women dressed in Santa outfits\" width=\"1920\" height=\"1080\" \/>\n<figcaption class=\"wp-element-caption\"><br \/>Hosting <em>Knowing Me Knowing Yule<\/em>, 1995. Image: Everett Collection Inc \/ Alamy Stock Photo<\/figcaption>\n<\/figure>\n<p><strong>If you could time travel back to your younger self and use your hindsight to give him some useful advice, what would you tell him?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Believe me, if I could travel back in time, I have a list of things I\u2019d do before I doled out advice to myself. Kill baby Hitler, shake hands with Moses, ride a dinosaur, not shoot a man on live TV. Having completed my list, sure, I\u2019d sit down with the slightly younger me and offer some advice. Namely: do not buy crypto, no matter how many times the ad appears online. And when going through a divorce, find your own lawyer, do not use the one your ex-wife suggests. She has a vested interest in you having a bad lawyer. It\u2019s obvious.\u00a0<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/culture\/books\/big-beacon-review-alan-partridge\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Alan Partridge: Big Beacon review \u2013 pure, undiluted Partridge<\/a><\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/culture\/film\/steve-coogan-interview-greed-climate-change\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Steve Coogan: \u2018Bad behaviour is tolerated if you make people money\u2019<\/a><\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/culture\/armando-iannucci-im-taking-big-issue-tucker-v-partridge\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Armando Iannucci: Why I\u2019m taking over The Big Issue with Tucker v Partridge<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><strong>Do you think the BBC has always treated you well? Have you always been shown the respect you feel you deserve?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>I have no beef with the BBC. Interestingly, I\u2019m one of the few broadcasters to have been sacked by the corporation twice. The last time? Well, you might think I\u2019d be upset at what was a pretty clear-cut case of unfair dismissal. After all, I was grieving the death of my big dead dog Seldom. I needed and deserved sympathy. None came. And yet, I forgive them.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>But their cruel treatment of me is\u00a0one thing; their decision to snub the death of Seldom is quite another. In the weeks before Seldom died, the crew of\u00a0<em>This Time<\/em>\u00a0had held one-minute silences for Gerry Marsden, Captain Tom, Prince Philip and Michael Apted \u2013 three of whom I have heard of. When I asked that the same honour be afforded my dead dog, I was given short shrift. Seldom\u2019s death went unmarked by the corporation. I can forgive a lot but that? That, I\u00a0will not, cannot and shall not forgive, ever. I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever forgive them.<\/p>\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\">\n<figure class=\"alignright size-full is-resized\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"wp-image-204170\" src=\"https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_shutterstock_editorial_10388966ad.jpg\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1080px) 100vw, 1080px\" srcset=\"https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_shutterstock_editorial_10388966ad.jpg 1080w, https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_shutterstock_editorial_10388966ad-137x150.jpg 137w, https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_shutterstock_editorial_10388966ad-768x838.jpg 768w, https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_shutterstock_editorial_10388966ad-788x860.jpg 788w, https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_shutterstock_editorial_10388966ad-396x432.jpg 396w\" alt=\"Alan Partridge\" width=\"1080\" height=\"1179\" \/>\n<figcaption class=\"wp-element-caption\"><br \/>1998: Presenting a Brit Award to \u201cthe talented and not unattractive\u201d All Saints for best video. Image: JM Enternational\/Shutterstock<\/figcaption>\n<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n<p><strong>What have you learned about yourself as a husband and father along the way?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s important to remember that being a husband or a father accounts for only a small part of who you are \u2013 something my ex-wife Carol never fully understood. At social functions, she\u2019d sometimes embarrass me\/herself by answering the question \u201cAnd what do you do?\u201d with the words: \u201cI\u2019m a full-time mum.\u201d I\u00a0would quickly laugh and explain to her that a mum isn\u2019t a job, and that she\u00a0was technically unemployed. Because I was employed, I was able to bring in fresh or American ideas from the world of broadcasting and business and deploy them in a domestic setting, something I was keen to impress on Carol during her annual review.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>This imposed some welcome structure on the family unit, with me re-imagining my wife and kids as members of a TV crew. Myself as presenter and executive producer; Carol, the huffy floor manager, wayward son Fernando was every inch\u00a0the gobby cameraman and daughter Denise \u2013 who had a hormone defect that reduced her to tantrums most days \u2013 was the make-up lady because that\u2019s a thing that make-up ladies do. It all worked beautifully. Yes, the marriage ended in a painful divorce and I became estranged from my kids but I don\u2019t think anyone is suggesting that was my fault. It was Carol\u2019s fault. Carol and\u00a0the kids.<\/p>\n<p><strong>How does the pressure of your job\u00a0sit with you? Do you enjoy being a celebrity?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Nightclub and tits impresario Peter Stringfellow used to have a saying, \u201cA diamond is just a piece of coal put under pressure\u201d. Odd from a man who buckled so cravenly under financial pressure that he declared himself bankrupt not once but twice. Still! There\u2019s something in it. And I like to think I thrive under pressure, as long as I\u2019ve had a nap and a snack. And make no mistake, being in the public eye \u2013\u00a0 I almost said \u2018pubic\u2019 then! Horrible! \u2013 being in the public eye, does bring a certain amount of pressure. People want to approach and\u00a0chat. They take photographs. They tut if you snap at a waitress.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>Fortunately, my assistant understands the pressures of fame and creates a ring of steel around me to limit interactions with the public. She\u2019s my first line of defence, bodychecking anyone who gets too\u00a0close like a Baptist linebacker and\u00a0on one occasion smashing a sightseer\u2019s camera. I find that hugely comforting.<\/p>\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-full\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"wp-image-204167\" src=\"https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_MMM_Alan_P_Specials-071.jpg\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1920px) 100vw, 1920px\" srcset=\"https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_MMM_Alan_P_Specials-071.jpg 1920w, https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_MMM_Alan_P_Specials-071-150x84.jpg 150w, https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_MMM_Alan_P_Specials-071-768x432.jpg 768w, https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_MMM_Alan_P_Specials-071-1536x864.jpg 1536w, https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/1592_AlanPartridge_MMM_Alan_P_Specials-071-1530x860.jpg 1530w\" alt=\"Alan Partridge\" width=\"1920\" height=\"1080\" \/>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<figcaption class=\"wp-element-caption\">Alan Partridge\u2019s Scissored Isle, 2016. Image: Sky TV\/Colin Hutton<\/figcaption>\n<\/figure>\n<p><strong>What advice would you give your younger self about getting older?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Put simply, ageing is drying. You\u2019re drying out with every day that passes. Your hair goes wiry, your skin gets chapped, lips crack, feet itch, bum wrinkles, odour gets musty. The trick to staying young? Moisture, moisture, moisture. Eliminate dryness aggressively and often.\u00a0Conditioner, skin lotion, coconut oil, lip balm, lacquers, creams, ointments and mists. Get wet and stay wet.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><strong>If you could re-live one day of your life so far, what day would it be?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>We actually had this exact conversation over Zoom, me and a few broadcasting chums. I said the happiest day of my life \u2013 the day I\u2019d love to relive \u2013 was the day I met Princess Anne. Others had their own favourites: James May said his was the day Clarkson punched that producer;\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/wordpress.bigissue.com\/culture\/tv\/deborah-meaden-letter-to-my-younger-self\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Deborah Meaden<\/a>\u00a0said it was the day she moved into a new house and found two grand in a child\u2019s shoebox; Les Dennis said the first time he slept with Holden, and Jake Humphrey smiled to himself and said the best day of his life hasn\u2019t happened yet. Well, we all wet ourselves. The guy talks bollocks.\u00a0<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<hr \/>Hello mate!\n<p>Just a quick one, mate. I&#8217;ve written another searing memoir and just thought I&#8217;d send a few copies to a few of my closest mates.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"x11i5rnm xat24cr x1mh8g0r x1vvkbs xtlvy1s\">\n<div dir=\"auto\">\n<p>Obviously, mate, you come pretty high on that list. So here&#8217;s yours. A little gift from one mate to another (mate). Nothing more than that.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"x11i5rnm xat24cr x1mh8g0r x1vvkbs xtlvy1s\">\n<div dir=\"auto\">\n<p>Anyway, that&#8217;s all it was. Hope all&#8217;s well with you, mate. Cheers, friend. All the best, buddy. Speak soon, pal. Bye.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"x11i5rnm xat24cr x1mh8g0r x1vvkbs xtlvy1s\">\n<div dir=\"auto\">\n<p>Oh! Shit, nearly forgot to say&#8230; if you do enjoy the book and you did wanna, say, holler about it on TV, radio, social media, amongst friends (large groups only please), or in a national newspaper, then that&#8217;d be cool by me, mate. I know what you&#8217;re like! And I know what kind of support one mate gives to another mate, which is obviously what we are.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"x11i5rnm xat24cr x1mh8g0r x1vvkbs xtlvy1s\">\n<div dir=\"auto\">\n<p>Obviously I&#8217;ll do the same for you, mate. If you got anything you&#8217;re proud of, bung it my way and after running it by my team I&#8217;ll consider, in selected cases, giving the big chops on my socials. No biggie. Why wouldn&#8217;t I? <em>We&#8217;re mates.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"x11i5rnm xat24cr x1mh8g0r x1vvkbs xtlvy1s\">\n<div dir=\"auto\">\n<p>Anyway, enjoy the book and enjoy talking about it to people.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"x11i5rnm xat24cr x1mh8g0r x1vvkbs xtlvy1s\">\n<div dir=\"auto\">Thanks, mate. Cheers, mate. Bye mate!<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"x11i5rnm xat24cr x1mh8g0r x1vvkbs xtlvy1s\">\n<div dir=\"auto\">\u00a0<\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\">Thanks again, mate.<\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\">\u00a0<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"x11i5rnm xat24cr x1mh8g0r x1vvkbs xtlvy1s\">\n<div dir=\"auto\">Alan Partridge.\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\"><hr \/><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<h4 class=\"x1heor9g x1qlqyl8 x1pd3egz x1a2a7pz xod5an3\"><span class=\"x193iq5w xeuugli x13faqbe x1vvkbs x1xmvt09 x1603h9y x1u7k74 xo1l8bm xzsf02u\">Alan Partridge: Taggart is my Friday night treat<\/span><\/h4>\n<div class=\"x1e56ztr\"><span class=\"x193iq5w xeuugli x13faqbe x1vvkbs x1xmvt09 x6prxxf xvq8zen xo1l8bm xzsf02u\">Tuesday December 19 2023, 12.01am GMT, The Times<\/span><\/div>\n<div>\u00a0<\/div>\n<div class=\"x1e56ztr\"><span class=\"x193iq5w xeuugli x13faqbe x1vvkbs x1xmvt09 x6prxxf xvq8zen xo1l8bm xzsf02u\"><i>The broadcaster lets us into his cultural life, from how he wishes he had written One Hundred Years of Solitude to his view that Dubai is heaven on earth.<\/i><\/span><\/div>\n<div>\u00a0<\/div>\n<div class=\"x1e56ztr\"><span class=\"x193iq5w xeuugli x13faqbe x1vvkbs x1xmvt09 x6prxxf xvq8zen xo1l8bm xzsf02u\"><b>The book I\u2019m reading<\/b><br \/>Nothing at the moment as I recently got a TV in my bedroom.<\/span><\/div>\n<div>\u00a0<\/div>\n<div class=\"x1e56ztr\"><span class=\"x193iq5w xeuugli x13faqbe x1vvkbs x1xmvt09 x6prxxf xvq8zen xo1l8bm xzsf02u\"><b>The book I wish I had written<\/b><br \/>While I love all of Shakespeare\u2019s works, the book I most wish I\u2019d written is\u00a0<i>One Hundred Years of Solitude<\/i>\u00a0by Gabriel Garc\u00eda M\u00e1rquez, in the original Spanish.<\/span><\/div>\n<div>\u00a0<\/div>\n<div class=\"x1e56ztr\"><span class=\"x193iq5w xeuugli x13faqbe x1vvkbs x1xmvt09 x6prxxf xvq8zen xo1l8bm xzsf02u\"><b>The book I couldn\u2019t finish<\/b><br \/><i>Delia Smith\u2019s Christmas<\/i>. A lovely book with great photographs and nice paper stock, but it contains too many recipes and lacks a clear narrative arc or unifying theme \u2014 and my God, she likes butter. To be fair, Delia holds her hands up. \u201cI f***ed up,\u201d she says.<\/span><\/div>\n<div>\u00a0<\/div>\n<div class=\"x1e56ztr\"><span class=\"x193iq5w xeuugli x13faqbe x1vvkbs x1xmvt09 x6prxxf xvq8zen xo1l8bm xzsf02u\"><b>The book I\u2019m ashamed I haven\u2019t read<\/b><br \/><i>Nomad\u00a0<\/i>by Alan Partridge. When I finished writing it I was so elated I attached it to an email, whizzed it off to the publishers and only afterwards thought: \u201cI should probably have read that back.\u201d To this day I have never read\u00a0<i>Nomad\u00a0<\/i>back.<\/span><\/div>\n<div>\u00a0<\/div>\n<div class=\"x1e56ztr\"><span class=\"x193iq5w xeuugli x13faqbe x1vvkbs x1xmvt09 x6prxxf xvq8zen xo1l8bm xzsf02u\"><b>My favourite play<\/b><br \/><i>Ali Baba and the Smoggy Thieves<\/i>\u00a0by Peter Greaves, a scathing 2022 panto that entertained kids, but also dealt brilliantly with the proposal to extend the Ulez scheme to outer London. Hilarious yet thought-provoking. \u201cThe days of widespread car ownership are behind you!\u201d \u201cOh no, they\u2019re not!\u201d Yes, very enjoyable.<\/span><\/div>\n<div>\u00a0<\/div>\n<div class=\"x1e56ztr\"><span class=\"x193iq5w xeuugli x13faqbe x1vvkbs x1xmvt09 x6prxxf xvq8zen xo1l8bm xzsf02u\"><b>My favourite film<\/b><br \/>Would rather not say.<\/span><\/div>\n<div>\u00a0<\/div>\n<div class=\"x1e56ztr\"><span class=\"x193iq5w xeuugli x13faqbe x1vvkbs x1xmvt09 x6prxxf xvq8zen xo1l8bm xzsf02u\"><b>The box set that I\u2019m hooked on<\/b><br \/><i>Taggart<\/i>. Some detective series fail because you don\u2019t believe serious crimes would take place where they\u2019re set \u2014 eg Oxfordshire. But\u00a0<i>Taggart\u00a0<\/i>is set in Glasgow, so that\u2019s never going to be a problem. On a Friday evening, after I\u2019ve rung round to see if anyone\u2019s free for a drink and they\u2019re not, I sit back with a glass of wine, pop the subtitles on and enjoy one to two episodes until I nod off.<\/span><\/div>\n<div>\u00a0<\/div>\n<div class=\"x1e56ztr\"><span class=\"x193iq5w xeuugli x13faqbe x1vvkbs x1xmvt09 x6prxxf xvq8zen xo1l8bm xzsf02u\"><b>The lyric I wish I\u2019d written<\/b><br \/>\u201cAs sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti,\u201d from\u00a0<i>Africa\u00a0<\/i>by Toto. An oddly unflattering simile since Kilimanjaro at 19,341ft is more than twice as high as Olympus at 9,570ft, but it prompted me to spend an afternoon googling the heights of famous mountains. And if the lyric encourages just one child to google the heights of famous mountains, well you cannot ask for more than that.<\/span><\/div>\n<div>\u00a0<\/div>\n<div class=\"x1e56ztr\"><span class=\"x193iq5w xeuugli x13faqbe x1vvkbs x1xmvt09 x6prxxf xvq8zen xo1l8bm xzsf02u\"><b>The instrument I play<\/b><br \/>During a siege in 2013, I was briefly superb at the bass guitar even though I\u2019ve shown no aptitude for it before or since. These days it\u2019s drums. Other than bread-making and Laser Quest, there\u2019s no better way to stressbust than playing the drums. I\u2019m not a home drummer \u2014 neighbours complained \u2014 so if I\u2019m feeling tense I just pop over to a friend\u2019s house and hit the kit in his son\u2019s bedroom. I\u2019m free to stay as long as I like unless the boy has homework, in which case I\u2019m to limit my sessions to half an hour.<\/span><\/div>\n<div>\u00a0<\/div>\n<div class=\"x1e56ztr\"><span class=\"x193iq5w xeuugli x13faqbe x1vvkbs x1xmvt09 x6prxxf xvq8zen xo1l8bm xzsf02u\"><b>The instrument I wish I\u2019d learnt<\/b><br \/>Would rather not say.<\/span><\/div>\n<div>\u00a0<\/div>\n<div class=\"x1e56ztr\"><span class=\"x193iq5w xeuugli x13faqbe x1vvkbs x1xmvt09 x6prxxf xvq8zen xo1l8bm xzsf02u\"><b>The song that saved me<\/b><br \/><i>Streets of Philadelphia<\/i>\u00a0by Bruce Springsteen. I heard it played over the end of Tom Hanks\u2019s Aids drama\u00a0<i>Philadelphia\u00a0<\/i>and also at Kraft Foods\u2019 launch of the low-fat cream cheese Philadelphia Light. I cried on both occasions.<\/span><\/div>\n<div>\u00a0<\/div>\n<div class=\"x1e56ztr\"><span class=\"x193iq5w xeuugli x13faqbe x1vvkbs x1xmvt09 x6prxxf xvq8zen xo1l8bm xzsf02u\"><b>The place I feel happiest<\/b><br \/>Dubai. Heaven. On. Earth.<\/span><\/div>\n<div>\u00a0<\/div>\n<div class=\"x1e56ztr\"><span class=\"x193iq5w xeuugli x13faqbe x1vvkbs x1xmvt09 x6prxxf xvq8zen xo1l8bm xzsf02u\"><b>The stage show I\u2019m looking forward to<\/b><br \/>A friend told me that they\u2019re making a stage musical of the film version of the stage musical\u00a0<i>Cats<\/i>. If true, I\u2019d love to come along. I\u2019d video it on my iPhone to create a film version of the stage musical of the film version of the stage musical\u00a0<i>Cats<\/i>.<\/span><\/div>\n<div>\u00a0<\/div>\n<div class=\"x1e56ztr\"><span class=\"x193iq5w xeuugli x13faqbe x1vvkbs x1xmvt09 x6prxxf xvq8zen xo1l8bm xzsf02u\"><b>The play I walked out of<\/b><br \/><i>War Horse<\/i>. I didn\u2019t find the horses realistic and could definitely see people inside. I didn\u2019t boo, I just finished my crisps, then quietly climbed over a family to get to the aisle and slipped away. When the usher asked me why I was going I said I didn\u2019t find the horses realistic and could definitely see the people inside. He said, \u201cHave you tried pretending the people aren\u2019t there?\u201d As soon as he said that something clicked. I retook my seat, opened my Minstrels and was absolutely transfixed by Marianne Elliott and Tom Morris\u2019s spellbinding production. Bravo.<\/span><\/div>\n<div>\u00a0<\/div>\n<div class=\"x1e56ztr\"><span class=\"x193iq5w xeuugli x13faqbe x1vvkbs x1xmvt09 x6prxxf xvq8zen xo1l8bm xzsf02u\"><b>Overrated<\/b><br \/>Lee Child. His books are masterpieces, but sometimes \u2014 not boasting \u2014 my idea for what could happen in a fight scene is better than his. For instance, there\u2019s one where Jack Reacher knocks someone out with a punch to the jaw whereas I\u2019d have had Jack Reacher use judo because there\u2019s no way the baddie would expect that. And there are other examples too.<\/span><\/div>\n<div>\u00a0<\/div>\n<div class=\"x1e56ztr\"><span class=\"x193iq5w xeuugli x13faqbe x1vvkbs x1xmvt09 x6prxxf xvq8zen xo1l8bm xzsf02u\"><b>The last TV programme that made me cry<\/b><br \/><i>Doctor Who<\/i>\u00a0after a particularly tough Saturday. I\u2019d attended a bake sale to raise money for an extension to the car park at Royal Norwich Golf Club so members wouldn\u2019t have to walk from the overflow behind the ninth, and my cupcakes just hadn\u2019t sold. I\u2019d worked really hard on them and even though a few had got squashed in the car and some of the icing had been dragged off, I still thought they were good. When I got home, hungry and deflated,\u00a0<i>Doctor Who<\/i>\u00a0was on, but my assistant had \u201ctidied up\u201d, so the remote had gone Awol. There was no way of not watching\u00a0<i>Doctor Who<\/i>. I sat down, coat still on and just wept. Absolutely awful programme.<\/span><\/div>\n<div>\u00a0<\/div>\n<div><hr \/><\/div>\n<div class=\"dcr-1djovmt\" data-gu-name=\"headline\">\n<div class=\"dcr-14qe9do\">\n<div class=\"dcr-14emo0l\">\n<div class=\"dcr-1bb1jtq\">\n<h3 class=\"dcr-147zz9e\"><span class=\"dcr-17joxcd\">Alan Partridge on cars, Canadians and Sunday roasts: \u2018I\u2019m already about 70% vegan\u2019<\/span><\/h3>\n<div class=\"dcr-16on7cv\">\n<div class=\"dcr-1xlzaj6\">As told to\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.theguardian.com\/profile\/rich-pelley\" rel=\"author\" data-link-name=\"auto tag link\">Rich Pelley<\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"dcr-1yi1cnj\" data-gu-name=\"standfirst\">\n<div class=\" dcr-1qt3dlu\">\n<p>The broadcaster, newscaster, sportscaster, podcaster and star of Alpha Papa tackles questions about the climate crisis, Strictly Come Dancing and true love<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<aside class=\"dcr-1rbr3jc\" data-gu-name=\"meta\">\n<div class=\"dcr-14emo0l\">\n<div class=\" dcr-c7ke56\">\n<div class=\"dcr-rnfrqq\">\n<div class=\"dcr-5l2n46\">\n<div><details class=\"dcr-18bzkx3\">\n<summary class=\"dcr-1ybxn6r\"><span class=\"dcr-u0h1qy\">Thu 23 Nov 2023 15.13 GMT<\/span><\/summary>\n<\/details><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"dcr-9dgpdq\" data-print-layout=\"hide\">\n<div class=\" dcr-wtg1kk\">\u00a0<\/div>\n<div class=\" dcr-1h38rjc\">\n<div class=\"dcr-14baf59\">\n<div>\n<div class=\"dcr-zknr8s\" data-testid=\"long-comment-count\" aria-hidden=\"true\">\u00a0<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/aside>\n<div class=\"dcr-ch7w1w\" data-gu-name=\"body\">\n<div class=\"dcr-ywp6nc\">\n<div id=\"maincontent\" class=\"dcr-ty818o\">\n<div class=\"article-body-commercial-selector article-body-viewer-selector  dcr-1n99hlx\">\n<p class=\"dcr-19m3vvb\"><strong>If the call came, would you be the next James Bond?\u00a0<\/strong><em class=\"dcr-19m3vvb\">Bigbadsean<\/em><br \/>Wouldn\u2019t happen. There\u2019s a sequence to the casting of 007. They choose an actor from one of the smaller UK nations, then from a non-British Commonwealth country and finally an Englishman \u2013 and repeat. Actor from smaller UK nation (Connery, Scotland), non-British actor (Lazenby, Australia), Englishman (Moore, England). Sequence completed, we go again: actor from smaller UK nation (Dalton, Wales), non-British actor (Brosnan, Ireland), Englishman (Craig, England).<\/p>\n<p class=\"dcr-19m3vvb\">So, you see, I couldn\u2019t be the next Bond. It\u2019ll be James Nesbitt (Northern Ireland), Ryan Gosling (Canada), then an Englishman. Assuming Nesbitt and Gosling do three movies each (one every three years), the earliest I could take the role would be 2041, when I\u2019d be in my 80s. That\u2019s almost certainly too old. While I have ideas as to how the role could be slightly rewritten to accommodate the secret agent\u2019s mobility and bladder issues, even then I think it very, very unlikely they\u2019d choose me. Given all that? Not going to happen \u2026 probably not going to happen.<\/p>\n<p class=\"dcr-19m3vvb\"><strong>I\u2019m a vegan.\u00a0<\/strong><strong>What would it take to convince you to become vegan<\/strong><strong>, too<\/strong><strong>?\u00a0<\/strong><em class=\"dcr-19m3vvb\">elykwh<\/em><br \/>I\u2019m already about 70% vegan and have to say I don\u2019t find it that hard. My last Sunday roast? Potatoes, carrots, parsnips, broccoli, cauliflower and beef. So, almost entirely vegan. Same with Nando\u2019s. You\u2019ve got your chips, your macho peas, your corn on the cob \u2013 show me a single thing on that plate that\u2019s come from an animal. You can\u2019t. Have another look. You still can\u2019t. In most places, with only a minimum of effort, large portions of your meal\u00a0<em class=\"dcr-19m3vvb\">can<\/em>\u00a0and\u00a0<em class=\"dcr-19m3vvb\">will<\/em>\u00a0be vegan. So, be good to yourself, be good to the planet and go largely vegan today.<\/p>\n<p class=\"dcr-19m3vvb\"><strong>What song should be played at your funeral and who should sing?\u00a0<\/strong><em class=\"dcr-19m3vvb\">ambandib2005<\/em><br \/>There\u2019s a homeless busker who performs at St Stephen\u2019s underpass in Norwich. Some say he lives with his mum and pretends to be without a home to monetise the public\u2019s pity for the downtrodden. I\u2019m not sure; he looks homeless enough to me. But his act! A voice like thick honey, Kenneth-Williams-style diction and a set list comprising your Snow Patrols, Stereophonics and a slightly-too-high Goo Goo Doll encore. He\u2019s the best singer I\u2019ve ever heard (so far). And because I\u2019m getting cremated and they position the singer near the furnace doors, he\u2019d get to enjoy the warmth while singing. Even in death I\u2019ll be giving a bit back to the needy. (Song:\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=B3q4Up5ugTc\" data-link-name=\"in body link\">Pipes of Peace<\/a>.)<\/p>\n<figure id=\"568cd3f0-a2e2-413f-a988-4aa63c6d717f\" class=\" dcr-5h0uf4\" data-spacefinder-role=\"showcase\" data-spacefinder-type=\"model.dotcomrendering.pageElements.ImageBlockElement\">\n<div id=\"img-2\" class=\"dcr-1t8m8f2\"><picture class=\"dcr-evn1e9\"><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/14cb5ec346bc8c1edecaf3b404d49b05561b1f6b\/0_0_4950_3241\/master\/4950.jpg?width=880&amp;dpr=2&amp;s=none\" media=\"(min-width: 1300px) and (-webkit-min-device-pixel-ratio: 1.25), (min-width: 1300px) and (min-resolution: 120dpi)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/14cb5ec346bc8c1edecaf3b404d49b05561b1f6b\/0_0_4950_3241\/master\/4950.jpg?width=880&amp;dpr=1&amp;s=none\" media=\"(min-width: 1300px)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/14cb5ec346bc8c1edecaf3b404d49b05561b1f6b\/0_0_4950_3241\/master\/4950.jpg?width=800&amp;dpr=2&amp;s=none\" media=\"(min-width: 1140px) and (-webkit-min-device-pixel-ratio: 1.25), (min-width: 1140px) and (min-resolution: 120dpi)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/14cb5ec346bc8c1edecaf3b404d49b05561b1f6b\/0_0_4950_3241\/master\/4950.jpg?width=800&amp;dpr=1&amp;s=none\" media=\"(min-width: 1140px)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/14cb5ec346bc8c1edecaf3b404d49b05561b1f6b\/0_0_4950_3241\/master\/4950.jpg?width=640&amp;dpr=2&amp;s=none\" media=\"(min-width: 980px) and (-webkit-min-device-pixel-ratio: 1.25), (min-width: 980px) and (min-resolution: 120dpi)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/14cb5ec346bc8c1edecaf3b404d49b05561b1f6b\/0_0_4950_3241\/master\/4950.jpg?width=640&amp;dpr=1&amp;s=none\" media=\"(min-width: 980px)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/14cb5ec346bc8c1edecaf3b404d49b05561b1f6b\/0_0_4950_3241\/master\/4950.jpg?width=620&amp;dpr=2&amp;s=none\" media=\"(min-width: 660px) and (-webkit-min-device-pixel-ratio: 1.25), (min-width: 660px) and (min-resolution: 120dpi)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/14cb5ec346bc8c1edecaf3b404d49b05561b1f6b\/0_0_4950_3241\/master\/4950.jpg?width=620&amp;dpr=1&amp;s=none\" media=\"(min-width: 660px)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/14cb5ec346bc8c1edecaf3b404d49b05561b1f6b\/0_0_4950_3241\/master\/4950.jpg?width=605&amp;dpr=2&amp;s=none\" media=\"(min-width: 480px) and (-webkit-min-device-pixel-ratio: 1.25), (min-width: 480px) and (min-resolution: 120dpi)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/14cb5ec346bc8c1edecaf3b404d49b05561b1f6b\/0_0_4950_3241\/master\/4950.jpg?width=605&amp;dpr=1&amp;s=none\" media=\"(min-width: 480px)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/14cb5ec346bc8c1edecaf3b404d49b05561b1f6b\/0_0_4950_3241\/master\/4950.jpg?width=445&amp;dpr=2&amp;s=none\" media=\"(min-width: 320px) and (-webkit-min-device-pixel-ratio: 1.25), (min-width: 320px) and (min-resolution: 120dpi)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/14cb5ec346bc8c1edecaf3b404d49b05561b1f6b\/0_0_4950_3241\/master\/4950.jpg?width=445&amp;dpr=1&amp;s=none\" media=\"(min-width: 320px)\" \/><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"dcr-evn1e9\" src=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/14cb5ec346bc8c1edecaf3b404d49b05561b1f6b\/0_0_4950_3241\/master\/4950.jpg?width=445&amp;dpr=1&amp;s=none\" alt=\"Alan Partridge and Jennie Gresham (Susannah Fielding) in This Time With Alan Partridge\" width=\"445\" height=\"291.36262626262624\" \/><\/picture><\/div>\n<figcaption class=\"dcr-1csa5qs\"><span class=\"dcr-1qvd3m6\">Alan Partridge and Jennie Gresham (Susannah Fielding) in This Time With Alan Partridge.<\/span>\u00a0Photograph: BBC\/Baby Cow\/Gary Moyes\/PA<\/figcaption>\n<\/figure>\n<p class=\"dcr-19m3vvb\"><strong>Who would be your ideal partner in Strictly Come Dancing?\u00a0<\/strong><em class=\"dcr-19m3vvb\">mesm<\/em><br \/>I\u2019ve given this a lot of thought and all things considered I\u2019d go for one of the women.<\/p>\n<p class=\"dcr-19m3vvb\"><strong>What were the greatest life lessons you learned from your parents?\u00a0<\/strong><em class=\"dcr-19m3vvb\">Abadabs<\/em><br \/>From my father, I learned how to strengthen conkers (soak in vinegar, bake for two hours at 140C\/gas mark 1). From my mother, never, ever stop to help a broken-down vehicle \u2013 even if they look to be in distress. It\u2019s actually a trap set by robbers.<\/p>\n<p class=\"dcr-19m3vvb\"><strong>Have you given up on finding true love?\u00a0<\/strong><em class=\"dcr-19m3vvb\">baffledbylife<\/em><br \/>It makes me laugh when people say that. I feel true love every day: the true love of seeing a flower in bloom, of hearing a bird in song, of a freshly baked loaf or a gambolling lamb. I delight at the first dew of spring and the final leaves of autumn. And my heart positively soars when I\u2019m about to reverse out of a parking space, but then realise the space in front is empty, meaning I can zoom out forwards. So, you see, true love fills my every waking hour. For what it\u2019s worth, I also happen to be in a sexful relationship with a woman. But yeah, like I say, makes me laugh.<\/p>\n<p class=\"dcr-19m3vvb\"><strong>Radio, TV, books, films, podcasts. What worlds are left for you to conquer?\u00a0<\/strong><em class=\"dcr-19m3vvb\">CarrAgger<\/em><br \/>I\u2019m increasingly drawn to the world of long-form documentary. What would mine be? Easy: the definitive history of\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.theguardian.com\/tv-and-radio\/2017\/sep\/25\/the-vietnam-war-terror-heartbreak-and-helicopters-ablaze-in-an-epic-documentary\" data-link-name=\"in body link\">the Vietnam war<\/a>. Once that\u2019s done \u2013 it would take eight to 10 weeks \u2013 I might direct a movie. The possibilities of cartoon excite me. There\u2019s an elegance and poetry to animation that\u2019s hard for live action to match. Also, if you have an idea for a scene where a character\u2019s head has to turn round 350 degrees (which I do), animation makes it much easier.<\/p>\n<p class=\"dcr-19m3vvb\"><strong>If you\u00a0<\/strong><strong>weren\u2019t available, who would you choose to anchor the next election night at the BBC?\u00a0<\/strong><em class=\"dcr-19m3vvb\">WyzacH<\/em><em class=\"dcr-19m3vvb\"><br \/><\/em>Matt Baker. Next question.<\/p>\n<aside class=\"dcr-t5rx1e\">\n<blockquote class=\"dcr-928886\">\n<p>With the technology available to make smaller and smaller reactors, we\u2019d be fools to rule out the nuclear hatchback<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<footer><cite class=\"dcr-gu2lh8\"><\/cite><\/footer><\/aside>\n<p class=\"dcr-19m3vvb\"><strong>What has been your most rewarding spiritual experience?\u00a0<\/strong><em class=\"dcr-19m3vvb\">Aaaaaal<\/em><br \/>The opening ceremony of the 2012 London Olympics. I was watching the left-leaning propaganda display with a Welsh woman I\u2019d accidentally started dating, and she asked if I had any Doritos, perhaps because she was hungry or wanted to crunch loudly over the commentary. I nipped to the garage and bought a bag, but didn\u2019t buy salsa as I had a jar in the cupboard. When I got home, I noticed the salsa had gone off in 2010, but we tucked in anyway, since best-before dates are a scam. It was only when we finished that I noticed the expiry date actually said 2001.<\/p>\n<p class=\"dcr-19m3vvb\">The stomach cramps were the first to come, followed by dizzying nausea and soon (lots of) vomit. For the next six hours, we were sick again and again, locked in a double helix of distress and euphoric relief accompanied by the smell of wet wipes. It became a hallucinogenic, out-of-body experience. We found ourselves hugging and laughing, sharing our innermost thoughts, lost in flights of fancy and repeatedly being sick. By sunrise, it had worn off. I called her a cab and emailed my assistant five carefully chosen words: \u201cGet me a cleaner, quick.\u201d<\/p>\n<p class=\"dcr-19m3vvb\">I think of my life as the story of two Alans: the Alan before the time I was sick watching the opening ceremony of the 2012 London Olympics and the Alan after the time I was sick watching the opening ceremony of the 2012 London Olympics.<\/p>\n<p class=\"dcr-19m3vvb\"><strong>As a man with few equals, who can think on his feet while talking eloquently into a microphone, isn\u2019t it time we heard you commentating on a Cup Final?\u00a0<\/strong><em class=\"dcr-19m3vvb\">thedribbler2<\/em><em class=\"dcr-19m3vvb\"><br \/><\/em>It\u2019s a good question and, despite the fact you inexplicably capitalised the words \u201cCup\u201d and \u201cFinal\u201d, one I\u2019m happy to answer. The only football finals I\u2019d be prepared to commentate on would be for\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.theguardian.com\/football\/series\/moving-the-goalposts\" data-link-name=\"in body link\">the women\u2019s game<\/a>. I\u2019ll probably take some flak for this, but I happen to believe that women and girls are the future of the sport. Like I say, might not be the cool or popular thing to say, but it\u2019s just what I happen to believe.<\/p>\n<p class=\"dcr-19m3vvb\"><strong>As an authority on the benefits of self-reflection and continuous improvement, what are your top three regrets and how did you learn from them?\u00a0<\/strong><em class=\"dcr-19m3vvb\">MarkAP<\/em><em class=\"dcr-19m3vvb\"><br \/><\/em>Laughed at wife when face swelled up after bee sting(s); kicked pig; wasn\u2019t great dad. Don\u2019t believe in looking back, so haven\u2019t learned from them.<\/p>\n<figure id=\"e31418ba-0173-4fc8-8727-ca6ac8709286\" class=\" dcr-173mewl\" data-spacefinder-role=\"inline\" data-spacefinder-type=\"model.dotcomrendering.pageElements.ImageBlockElement\">\n<div id=\"img-3\" class=\"dcr-1t8m8f2\"><picture class=\"dcr-evn1e9\"><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/4d4ad588a5c14deee8fbeb8770712964c70defb3\/0_598_5000_3000\/master\/5000.jpg?width=620&amp;dpr=2&amp;s=none\" media=\"(min-width: 660px) and (-webkit-min-device-pixel-ratio: 1.25), (min-width: 660px) and (min-resolution: 120dpi)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/4d4ad588a5c14deee8fbeb8770712964c70defb3\/0_598_5000_3000\/master\/5000.jpg?width=620&amp;dpr=1&amp;s=none\" media=\"(min-width: 660px)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/4d4ad588a5c14deee8fbeb8770712964c70defb3\/0_598_5000_3000\/master\/5000.jpg?width=605&amp;dpr=2&amp;s=none\" media=\"(min-width: 480px) and (-webkit-min-device-pixel-ratio: 1.25), (min-width: 480px) and (min-resolution: 120dpi)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/4d4ad588a5c14deee8fbeb8770712964c70defb3\/0_598_5000_3000\/master\/5000.jpg?width=605&amp;dpr=1&amp;s=none\" media=\"(min-width: 480px)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/4d4ad588a5c14deee8fbeb8770712964c70defb3\/0_598_5000_3000\/master\/5000.jpg?width=445&amp;dpr=2&amp;s=none\" media=\"(min-width: 320px) and (-webkit-min-device-pixel-ratio: 1.25), (min-width: 320px) and (min-resolution: 120dpi)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/4d4ad588a5c14deee8fbeb8770712964c70defb3\/0_598_5000_3000\/master\/5000.jpg?width=445&amp;dpr=1&amp;s=none\" media=\"(min-width: 320px)\" \/><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"dcr-evn1e9\" src=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/4d4ad588a5c14deee8fbeb8770712964c70defb3\/0_598_5000_3000\/master\/5000.jpg?width=445&amp;dpr=1&amp;s=none\" alt=\"A 2002 Range Rover\" width=\"445\" height=\"267\" \/><\/picture><\/div>\n<figcaption class=\"dcr-14i6lp8\"><span class=\"dcr-1qvd3m6\">A 2002 Range Rover.<\/span>\u00a0Photograph: Goddard Archive\/Alamy<\/figcaption>\n<\/figure>\n<p class=\"dcr-19m3vvb\"><strong>From the Rover Vitesse fastback to the Vauxhall Insignia, you have owned some of the truly great modern automobiles. Which has been your favourite car over the years?\u00a0<\/strong><em class=\"dcr-19m3vvb\">cy7000<\/em><em class=\"dcr-19m3vvb\"><br \/><\/em>An interesting question, and the answer may surprise you. I could easily reel off the high-class cars I\u2019ve driven over the years: 2022 Range Rover Velar, 2021 Range Rover Vogue SE, Range Rover Sport 4.4 V8 petrol. But years before then, as a younger man in a simpler time, I fondly remember pootling around Norfolk in a humble little runaround. Wasn\u2019t the fanciest nor most expensive, but it had personality, and that matters more than anything to me. I cried when I had to sell it. It was a 2002 Range Rover HSE+.<\/p>\n<p class=\"dcr-19m3vvb\"><strong>What\u2019s your opinion on the rise of electric cars?\u00a0<\/strong><em class=\"dcr-19m3vvb\">CosmoLang<\/em><br \/>As Norfolk\u2019s car laureate, it\u2019s my job \u2013 my privilege \u2013 to promote car ownership and usage across the county. As such, I\u2019m largely fuel-agnostic: what powers our vehicles is less important than that we\u2019re in our vehicles. Remember: Norfolk is a big, flat pancake of a county with fewer public transport journeys available per head, as a percentage of mean population density, than anywhere in the UK. And although I made that statistic up, cars will continue to be central to our prosperity, not to mention our ability to get to work or our racquets club.<\/p>\n<p class=\"dcr-19m3vvb\">Does that make me an apologist for big oil or large petrol? Not a bit. Don\u2019t forget, in the 90s, I was one of the first car-liking public figures to openly discuss catalytic converters, and not just because I liked saying the words \u201ccatalytic converter\u201d. And while this isn\u2019t the place to get into the whole he-said-she-said of whether climate change is actually happening, what I will say is that while cars are demonised, other sources of greenhouse emissions get off scot-free. Prime example?\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.theguardian.com\/environment\/2023\/apr\/02\/british-cows-could-be-given-methane-blockers-to-cut-carbon-emissions\" data-link-name=\"in body link\">Cow trumps<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p class=\"dcr-19m3vvb\">While I welcome\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.theguardian.com\/business\/2023\/jan\/05\/electric-car-sales-reach-record-high-in-uk-despite-supply-chain-disruption\" data-link-name=\"in body link\">the rise of electric cars<\/a>, I don\u2019t necessarily see it as the only show in town. With the technology available to make smaller and smaller reactors, we\u2019d be fools to rule out the emergence of the nuclear hatchback.<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<h1 class=\"core-section-container__main-title article-content__title\">WFH: A suggested itinerary<\/h1>\n<div class=\"ellipsis-menu\">\n<div class=\"collapsible-dropdown\">\u00a0<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"core-section-container__content\">\n<div class=\"base-card base-card--link base-main-card base-main-card--link main-author-card\">\n<div class=\"base-main-card__info\">\n<h3 class=\"base-main-card__title\">Alan Partridge<\/h3>\n<h4 class=\"base-main-card__subtitle\">Broadcaster, Newscaster, Sportscaster, Thoughtcaster, Podcaster<\/h4>\n<div class=\"base-main-card__metadata\">Published Sep 23, 2022<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"base-main-card__ctas\"><a class=\"base-main-card__cta\" href=\"https:\/\/www.linkedin.com\/signup\/cold-join?session_redirect=https%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Elinkedin%2Ecom%2Fpulse%2Fwfh-suggested-itinerary-alan-partridge-&amp;trk=pulse-article_main-author-card__cta-button\" data-tracking-control-name=\"pulse-article_main-author-card__cta-button\" data-tracking-will-navigate=\"\">+ Follow<\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"article-content__body\">\n<p>Apart from the deaths, the greatest downside to the Covid pandemic was\u00a0<em>surely<\/em>\u00a0the closing down of shared office spaces. Working from home was fun for a few days. Sending emails from the bath, eating choc ices while designing a Powerpoint presentation, conducting zoom calls with the contented smirk of a man who is secretly naked from the waist down. All good, honest,\u00a0<em>British<\/em>\u00a0fun.<\/p>\n<p>But it soon became debilitating. Away from the regimented timetable of a day in the office, corporate high-flyers \u2013 from COOs to VPs, marketing EMEA \u2013 found themselves lost and bewildered in the home, their working day plagued by the petty distractions of home life. Why is the washing machine beeping? Are the bin men usually this loud? Where is the dog, I\u2019m sure we used to have a dog?<\/p>\n<p>Unforgivably, many succumbed to the lure of daytime telly or attended to their children, causing productivity to nose dive.<\/p>\n<p>What\u2019s needed is structure. To that end, I humbly present a daily itinerary that worked\u00a0<em>for me<\/em>. Maybe it will work for you.<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>8am \u2013 get up. Smile. It\u2019s gonna be a great day, although that shouldn\u2019t be taken as a guarantee. I don\u2019t know you and your day might not be great, or even good.<\/li>\n<li>8.10 \u2013 throw those curtains wide and open the bedroom window six inches, wider if you\u2019re a gassy sleeper.<\/li>\n<li>8.15 \u2013 shower\/sink wash \u2013 debate rages about whether shower should come before or after breakfast. I\u2019m adamant your wash should come first, but I make an exception if it\u2019s a bank holiday or I can\u2019t be arsed.<\/li>\n<li>9.15 \u2013 your shower shouldn\u2019t take more than an hour. If it does, film yourself on an iPhone, watch it back and and see where you can trim out some dawdling. Then it\u2019s breakfast. I opt for porridge or eggs but never both as the combined swelling of the digested produce can create a boulder of compacted food that will create problems later in the digestive process.<\/li>\n<li>9.30 \u2013 A strong cup of black coffee, with milk. And a hit of Gorilla Brain Powder, a nootropic compound of Asian ginseng, caffeine, and guava created and sold by a friend of mine, a former doctor who was struck off for feeling up patients but whose medical know how has never been in question. You just stir two very heaped tablespoons into your morning coffee \u2013 and they\u2019ve got to be very heaped \u2013 and some people think it boosts memory, focus, mental stamina and focus. Works for me!<\/li>\n<li>10-1 Work. Set aside the morning for the less demanding grunt work, simple but dull tasks that require little in the way of creative thought. Chances are you\u2019re still groggy from a night\u2019s sleep, especially if you sleep with your mouth ajar, and will be until just after lunch.<\/li>\n<li>1pm. A stretch or a stroll.<\/li>\n<li>1.15. Lunch. An apple, a sandwich, a small chocolate biscuit such as a Penguin, a cup of tea. Another shot of BBMP (BrainBludgeon Mind Powder)<\/li>\n<li>2pm \u2013 Work. This is the creative peak of your day. Sit facing a window and let your brain spiral into new, wonderful places. Right now, I\u2019m spending my afternoons trying to devise a TV quiz show, surely the most lucrative line of work in TV, in a time-spent-to-money-rolling-in analysis. After all, we all love a quiz show \u2013 whether it\u2019s high brow BBC 4 ones featuring teams of shy librarians or ones for thick people on ITV \u2013 and so each afternoon I soak in a bubble bath with a glass of sparkling water and a miniature whiteboard and think up quiz show formats. So far I\u2019ve got Cash Tsunami, Britain\u2019s Cleverest Granny, Quiz Me Good, Quiz Time, Quiz Attack, Quiz UK, Quizzers, Quiz Bang, Quiz Up, Quiz Off, Quizzical, Boffin Time, Children\u2019s Trivia Hour with Alan Partridge and Celebrity Squid Game. One week ago, I came up with a format so special, I stood up in my bath, and did a funky dance, only stopping because my bath is in front of an unfrosted bathroom window and I was making the neighbour\u2019s dog bark. Mind Jammer is an idea that reimagines quiz shows for the TikTok Generation and will make Phil Schofield literally defecate himself. Now\u2019s not the time to go into it in detail but the rules are simple. Get a question right and you have access to the Grid. Plot your course using the numbers along the bottom and the letters up the side. Numbers must be proximate either numerically or geographically but letters can be chosen freely. A correct answer eliminates a tile, assuming you have the corresponding pair. But obviously you can use your power ball only when the answer is in play. Once on the board, contestants can play or nominate until they win or are the only one not to have lost. I\u2019ll provide more detail in a separate post.<\/li>\n<li>7pm Stop work. RELAX<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<figure class=\"cover-img\">\n<div class=\"cover-img__image-frame\">\n<div class=\"cover-img__image-position \"><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"cover-img__image onload\" src=\"https:\/\/media-exp1.licdn.com\/dms\/image\/D4E12AQF9edCoIgFZ9w\/article-cover_image-shrink_600_2000\/0\/1663668465074?e=2147483647&amp;v=beta&amp;t=l62fNBAf1QGFqyhy-P78n47LdU9f5Hij1rafj0IkA94\" alt=\"\" data-embed-id=\"cover-image\" \/><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/figure>\n<article class=\"article-content\"><header>\n<section class=\"core-section-container\"><hr \/>\n<h1 class=\"core-section-container__main-title article-content__title\">How to make professional connections<\/h1>\n<div class=\"ellipsis-menu\">\n<div class=\"collapsible-dropdown\">\u00a0<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"core-section-container__content\">\n<div class=\"base-card base-card--link base-main-card base-main-card--link main-author-card\">\n<div class=\"base-main-card__info\">\n<h3 class=\"base-main-card__title\">Alan Partridge<\/h3>\n<h4 class=\"base-main-card__subtitle\">Broadcaster, Newscaster, Sportscaster, Thoughtcaster, Podcaster<\/h4>\n<div class=\"base-main-card__metadata\">Published Sep 22, 2022<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"base-main-card__ctas\"><a class=\"base-main-card__cta\" href=\"https:\/\/www.linkedin.com\/signup\/cold-join?session_redirect=https%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Elinkedin%2Ecom%2Fpulse%2Fhow-make-professional-connections-alan-partridge-&amp;trk=pulse-article_main-author-card__cta-button\" data-tracking-control-name=\"pulse-article_main-author-card__cta-button\" data-tracking-will-navigate=\"\">+ Follow<\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/section>\n<\/header>\n<div class=\"article-content__body\">\n<h3>How to make professional connections by Alan Partridge<\/h3>\n<p>A lot of people are surprised to hear I\u2019m a keen advocate of LinkedIn. I\u2019m seen very much as a people person \u2013 with good reason. When it comes to professional interaction, I like to do it man to man. A handshake after a game of squash. A clinked pint glass in a gastropub. Back slaps and big laughs through mouthfuls of steak and wine. To me, that\u2019s business.<\/p>\n<p>Whereas LinkedIn users find solace in what you might call virtual connections tappity-tap-tapping smartphone messages on a quiet train or scrolling content at home with the blue light of an iPad illuminating their blankly impassive faces in an otherwise dark bedroom.<\/p>\n<p>What is a friend? Someone you spend a lot of time with, united in the pursuit of a shared objective which you work towards in exchange for money? Wrong \u2013 you\u2019re thinking of a\u00a0<em>colleague<\/em>. Someone you\u2019re close to then, with whom you shared a bond of affection, warmth and trust, and has the same mum as you. Nope, that\u2019s a\u00a0<em>sibling<\/em>. Alright then, someone unrelated to you with whom you enjoy spending time, and who makes you laugh and lets you stroke them. Also wrong \u2013 that\u2019s a\u00a0<em>dog<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>Although I\u2019ve enjoyed seriously good online connections with some seriously good LinkedIn users \u2013 Beth Greaves, marketing manager at Borrowdale Executive Vehicles; Jim Snell, MD at Snell Animal Feed; Penelope Troome, legal executive at Wardle Wardle &amp; Wardell; Stephen K Gribben III, VP, marketing EMEA at Hoopla Plastic Toys Inc \u2013 I honestly think more of you have it in you to function adequately in a social setting. Right now few of you do.<\/p>\n<p>I don\u2019t propose to go into the reasons for that \u2013 in some cases, it\u2019s shyness or a Kermit-the-frog-style \u2018nerd voice\u2019. In others, confidence isn\u2019t the problem so much as having ripe breath or hairy hands.<\/p>\n<p>Whatever the reason \u2013 and as I say, I don\u2019t have time to go into what it may be; it could be simply eating loudly \u2013 whatever that reason\u2026 and it could even be that you say pacific when you mean specific, again now is not the time to go into any of that. Whatever the reason, LinkedIn users tend to struggle when it comes to giving a good account of themselves in a real-world environment.<\/p>\n<p>Now some of you will take issue with that. \u2018I have loads of LinkedIn followers, and I\u2019ve never had a problem making friends.\u2019 And yet you\u2019re reading this right now on LinkedIn, whereas other people, \u2018friend people\u2019, aren\u2019t are they? They\u2019re sitting down to dinner with loved ones, hosting a cheese evening with friends from school, talking cars with the guys, cradling a newborn baby or succeeding in business.<\/p>\n<p>No disrespect intended \u2013 but good business is about relationships. Ask anyone from Matt Hancock to Aaron Banks and they\u2019ll tell you: where possible, you do business with friends.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ve got a lot of time for LinkedIn \u2013 it\u2019s a valuable resource when you want to view someone\u2019s mugshot so you know if they\u2019re Hilary a man or Hilary a woman. Or if you need to know if a US contact goes by Steve Gribben of Stephen K Gribben III. Beyond that, it ain\u2019t massively my bag. It\u2019s a forum that often describes itself as a marketplace of ideas. You know what else calls itself a marketplace of ideas? A marketplace. Those covered ones where stallholders wear money belts and the ideas you overhear are generally old or unworkable.\u00a0<\/p>\n<figure><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"lazy-loaded\" src=\"https:\/\/media-exp1.licdn.com\/dms\/image\/D4E12AQFbagU5767kHQ\/article-inline_image-shrink_1500_2232\/0\/1663669312076?e=1669248000&amp;v=beta&amp;t=_pQxfv-edLeaWB80fNHm3m_58FzCS1OajyKsIILOelc\" alt=\"Alan Partridge sitting on a gate, a field stretches out behind him\" data-media-urn=\"\" \/><\/figure>\n<p>So why am I on here? Well, cards on the table, my initial sign-up came in 2019 and let\u2019s call that what it was \u2013 a social media strategy devised by the marketing guys at\u00a0<a target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noopener noreferrer\">Audible.co.uk<\/a>\u00a0who, and I\u2019m guessing here, identified the LinkedIn demographic as the most likely to buy audiobooks. And they\u2019re probably right \u2013 you\u2019re guys who want to consume podcasts and books while sitting astride a rowing machine. Or driving to a sales conference in Birmingham. Or power walking before brunch. You\u2019d no more read a book than I\u2019d watch a television programme on ITV2. Knowing all this, the marketing boffins at Audible signed me up, hoping I\u2019d wheedle my way in, butter you up, network with you, and kiss your sweet ass cheeks in the hope you\u2019ll warm to me and listen to my podcast.<\/p>\n<p>But I\u2019ve grown fond of each and every one of you. And since I\u2019m here, I thought why not help a few of you out with\u00a0<strong><em>The Alan Partridge Guide to Making Connections If You\u2019re A LinkedIn User.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>1.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Shave your hands. Hairy-handed men engender feelings such as unease, mistrust, disdain and revulsion. It\u2019s a fact that humans like to be around smooth-handed people. Yet of the men I\u2019ve seen on\u00a0LinkedIn\u00a0more than half have hairy hands.<\/p>\n<p>2.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Volume. Normal conversation tends to be be around 60db. Lower if you\u2019re Kirsty Young, a lot higher if you went to public school. But aim for 60.<\/p>\n<p>3.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Learn to sidle. Eavesdrop in a room until you find a conversation you can follow. Latch on, and very very slowly get closer and closer, murmuring agreement louder and louder. Before long you\u2019ll be inside the conversation and might make a friend.<\/p>\n<p>4.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Fresh breath! Expel a gobful of breath into a cupped hand. If it ain\u2019t fresh,\u00a0<u>get<\/u>\u00a0it fresh.<\/p>\n<p>5.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Cut out the Essex. If you\u2019re from Essex, tone it down generally.<\/p>\n<p>6.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Eye contact.\u00a0<em>But remember to blink<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>7.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Think of things to say. It\u2019s no use expecting a bundle of talking points to pop in your head right on cue. Prepare in advance a bunch of conversational jumping off points: how did you get here? Do you own a car? Do you like cars? What\u2019s your favourite car? Does your wife own a car? What kind of car does your wife own? Have them ready.<\/p>\n<p>8.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Be nice. As my mum used to say, it\u2019s nice to be important but it\u2019s more important to be nice. FYI, she was neither.<\/p>\n<p>9.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Hand-stubble growing back? Shave again.<\/p>\n<hr \/><header aria-label=\"Newsletter header\">\n<div class=\"container\">\n<div class=\"row\">\n<div class=\"col-sm-xl-12 layout-section custom-slim-full\">\n<div id=\"lazy_29625\" class=\"lazy_container\">\n<div class=\"flex-chain container-fluid\">\n<div class=\"row\">\n<div class=\"layout-section col-sm-12 col-md-12 col-lg-xl-6 position_relative\">\n<h1 class=\"primary-font__PrimaryFontStyles-ybxuz7-0 jGeesm custom-headline flex flex_justify_center text-align_center\">\u2018To this day there\u2019s never been a story published suggesting Alan Partridge has tits\u2019<\/h1>\n<h2 class=\"secondary-font__SecondaryFontStyles-nwz1jt-0 ftfvHJ custom-subheadline font_normal font_md margin-md-bottom flex flex_justify_center text-align_center color_themes_medium-grey\">Partridge on life, love, his new podcast, and the difference between an oasthouse and a game larder<\/h2>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"layout-section col-sm-12 col-md-12 col-lg-xl-3 position_relative\">\u00a0<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"container-fluid row custom-slim-bleed\">\n<div class=\"col-sm-xl-12 layout-section\">\n<div id=\"lazy_95475\" class=\"lazy_container\">\n<div class=\"flex-chain container-fluid\">\n<div class=\"row\">\n<div class=\"layout-section col-sm-12 col-md-12 col-lg-xl-3 position_relative\">\u00a0<\/div>\n<div class=\"layout-section col-sm-12 col-md-12 col-lg-xl-6 position_relative\">\n<figure class=\"lead-art-wrapper\">\n<div><picture class=\"Image__StyledPicture-sc-8yioqf-0 iKCNis\"><source srcset=\"https:\/\/www.irishtimes.com\/resizer\/pbg3qydJBrb2LyQfTG7yo_UGroY=\/1600x0\/filters:format(jpg):quality(70)\/cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com\/irishtimes\/LXNZE3HP4NKROSBQ7D3QOZJXOA.jpg\" media=\"screen and (min-width: 992px)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/www.irishtimes.com\/resizer\/_wXRZNSgzpA5akNsIApj3fgfoE4=\/1440x0\/filters:format(jpg):quality(70)\/cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com\/irishtimes\/LXNZE3HP4NKROSBQ7D3QOZJXOA.jpg\" media=\"screen and (min-width: 768px)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/www.irishtimes.com\/resizer\/JjxLnaZ22IjazE2l9b30ncKVnOI=\/1024x0\/filters:format(jpg):quality(70)\/cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com\/irishtimes\/LXNZE3HP4NKROSBQ7D3QOZJXOA.jpg\" media=\"screen and (min-width: 0px)\" \/><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/www.irishtimes.com\/resizer\/pbg3qydJBrb2LyQfTG7yo_UGroY=\/1600x0\/filters:format(jpg):quality(70)\/cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com\/irishtimes\/LXNZE3HP4NKROSBQ7D3QOZJXOA.jpg\" width=\"1600\" height=\"0\" data-lightbox=\"https:\/\/www.irishtimes.com\/resizer\/pbg3qydJBrb2LyQfTG7yo_UGroY=\/1600x0\/filters:format(jpg):quality(70)\/cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com\/irishtimes\/LXNZE3HP4NKROSBQ7D3QOZJXOA.jpg\" \/><\/picture><\/div>\n<figcaption><\/figcaption>\n<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"layout-section col-sm-12 col-md-12 col-lg-xl-3 position_relative\">\u00a0<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"container\">\n<div class=\"custom-slim layout-section\">\n<div><hr class=\"\" \/><\/div>\n<div class=\"secondary-font__SecondaryFontStyles-nwz1jt-0 ftfvHJ flex flex_row col-sm-12 col-md-xl-6 margin-sm-bottom color_themes_medium-grey custom-byline\">\n<div class=\"flex byline-text\">\n<div class=\"author-byline\"><span class=\"author-name\">Rich Pelley<\/span><\/div>\n<div class=\"byline-date \">Wed Sep 2 2020 &#8211; 13:10<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"social_share_bar flex padding-xs-top \">\n<div class=\"flex flex_col\">\n<div class=\"main_section flex flex_row\">\n<div class=\"flex flex_align_center margin-sm-left position_relative\"><button class=\"social_share_expand_menu_btn unstyled flex flex_align_center\"><\/button>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-size: inherit;\">Turn right out of Norwich railway station, take the number 12 bus, change at Norfolk and Norwich University Hospital, ride eight stops on the number four towards Swanton Morley, walk 1.1 miles, and you can&#8217;t help but spot the twin louvred conical towers of the oasthouse that Alan Partridge calls home.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<article class=\"default__ArticleBody-sc-1nhbny4-2 kWWtWa article-body-wrapper article-sub-wrapper\">\n<p class=\"default__StyledText-sc-1nhbny4-0 gVsmvl body-paragraph paywall\">It is from this very oasthouse that Partridge \u2013 raconteur, national treasure, wit \u2013 broadcasts his brand new podcast,\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.audible.co.uk\/pd\/From-the-Oasthouse-The-Alan-Partridge-Podcast-Audiobook\/B089M9XZW5?qid=1598956767&amp;sr=1-1&amp;ref=a_search_c3_lProduct_1_1&amp;pf_rd_p=c6e316b8-14da-418d-8f91-b3cad83c5183&amp;pf_rd_r=K0HWW881N8SVJQAYWYHA\">From the Oasthouse<\/a>: The Alan Partridge Podcast.<\/p>\n<p class=\"default__StyledText-sc-1nhbny4-0 gVsmvl body-paragraph paywall\">Partridge bounds out to greet me in what appears to be an effusive show of hospitality. He offers a handshake before snapping it back into a more pandemic-appropriate wave. \u201cI am so fine with social distancing,\u201d he says. \u201cRemember, I work in television where you\u2019re forever mauled, hugged and leant on by over-pally floor managers or cackling makeup ladies. Now I can say, \u2018Get your hands off me!\u2019 without appearing in any way rude.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-size: inherit;\">He glances at my bag before lowering his voice. \u201cI\u2019d ask that you remove any sandwiches and if you\u2019ve handled any such snack in the last hour, wash your hands quietly and well.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"default__StyledText-sc-1nhbny4-0 gVsmvl body-paragraph paywall\">His dog, he explains \u2013 an enormous brown mastiff called Seldom \u2013 adores sandwiches. \u201cLess than 0.1 per cent of mastiffs attack,\u201d says Partridge as we sidle past the animal. \u201cUnfortunately, Seldom\u2019s the whole of that 0.1 per cent. The kindest thing I can say is that he\u2019s a statistical anomaly.\u201d<\/p>\n<h4 class=\"heading__StyledHeading-r87mu4-0 hgGngB paywall\">Extensive strapping<\/h4>\n<p class=\"default__StyledText-sc-1nhbny4-0 gVsmvl body-paragraph paywall\">Twenty minutes later, with the dog sleeping off a meal of ham and boiled eggs, we sit down at the kitchen table. Does Partridge trust the press, I ask? Was he involved in the phone hacking scandal? \u201cI was concerned enough at the time to have a friend leave a fake message on my voicemail discussing the fact that a high oestrogen count had given me breasts that I was only able to hide with extensive strapping. I wanted to see if it got picked up by a paper. To this day there\u2019s never been a story published suggesting Alan Partridge has tits.\u201d<\/p>\n<p class=\"default__StyledText-sc-1nhbny4-0 gVsmvl body-paragraph paywall\">Alan Partridge in person is just as you\u2019d imagine Alan Partridge off the telly. He\u2019s managed his first post-lockdown haircut. \u201cNo longer having to worry about the volume and lustre of my hair, I became a hat man, something I\u2019ve always wanted to try,\u201d he says. \u201cSo I\u2019d buy a hat online and then spend a day wearing it. It was only when I answered the door to a smirking Ocado driver while wearing a Jamiroquai hat that I had a moment of clarity . . . \u201d<\/p>\n<p class=\"default__StyledText-sc-1nhbny4-0 gVsmvl body-paragraph paywall\">He\u2019s sporting a fetching pair of burgundy trousers. \u201cThey\u2019re not burgundy,\u201d he corrects me. \u201cThey\u2019re ox-blood. Sometimes I\u2019ll just see a colour and think, \u2018I want to wear that.\u2019 So I\u2019ll pick it out of a Dulux colour chart and send my assistant to the shops.\u201d<\/p>\n<figure class=\"article-body-image-container paywall\"><picture class=\"Image__StyledPicture-sc-8yioqf-0 iKCNis\"><source srcset=\"https:\/\/www.irishtimes.com\/resizer\/KCHigGWXkFj5J5dbsoizoHENNsQ=\/1440x0\/filters:format(jpg):quality(70)\/cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com\/irishtimes\/P72EA7RERBVJK2IR3TTVRHKSTE.jpg\" media=\"screen and (min-width: 992px)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/www.irishtimes.com\/resizer\/4AuF67ZEY7viac6sajXIja9x5WU=\/1024x0\/filters:format(jpg):quality(70)\/cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com\/irishtimes\/P72EA7RERBVJK2IR3TTVRHKSTE.jpg\" media=\"screen and (min-width: 768px)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/www.irishtimes.com\/resizer\/d_LzZJNOZEMrnZRZBDbXlymDWkw=\/768x0\/filters:format(jpg):quality(70)\/cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com\/irishtimes\/P72EA7RERBVJK2IR3TTVRHKSTE.jpg\" media=\"screen and (min-width: 0px)\" \/><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/www.irishtimes.com\/resizer\/KCHigGWXkFj5J5dbsoizoHENNsQ=\/1440x0\/filters:format(jpg):quality(70)\/cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com\/irishtimes\/P72EA7RERBVJK2IR3TTVRHKSTE.jpg\" width=\"1440\" height=\"0\" \/><\/picture>\n<figcaption><\/figcaption>\n<\/figure>\n<p class=\"default__StyledText-sc-1nhbny4-0 gVsmvl body-paragraph paywall\">What\u2019s the format of his new podcast?<\/p>\n<p class=\"default__StyledText-sc-1nhbny4-0 gVsmvl body-paragraph paywall\">\u201cFormat is the death of chat,\u201d counters Partridge. \u201cPodcasts are strangled by format \u2013 talk about your favourite meal, tell us about the adverts you enjoy, tell us about the last time you cried, watch Doctor Who with me. Mine is different. I just yank back the curtain, drop the facade, peel back the warm hood of celebrity and reveal the real me, the raw me, the true me. A be-cardiganed, cuppa-tea-swigging, pair-of-slippers kind of Alan.\u201d<\/p>\n<p class=\"default__StyledText-sc-1nhbny4-0 gVsmvl body-paragraph paywall\">This is one of half a dozen times Partridge mentions tea or cardigans, as if keen to project the air of a man at ease with himself.<\/p>\n<p class=\"default__StyledText-sc-1nhbny4-0 gVsmvl body-paragraph paywall\">&#8220;Five years ago, I was swanning around in a complimentary Kia, my name emblazoned on the side, the talk of Norwich \u2013 Johnny Big Bollocks, &#8221; he says. &#8220;Today . . . ?&#8221; He nods outside to a silver saloon. What&#8217;s he driving, I ask? &#8220;Oh, a Vauxhall, but who cares really? After the year we&#8217;ve been through, there are more important things than how much you earn or what racquets club you&#8217;re a member of or how sweet your wheels are. And people say, &#8216;That&#8217;s the Insignia GSi, isn&#8217;t it? Nine-speed automatic with paddle shift? Keyless entry, e-boost hydraulic brakes, heated front seats with massage functionality?&#8217; And I just chuckle. Some even peer through the window and say, &#8216;Tell you what, Alan, for a 40k car, this is specced to absolute buggery.&#8217; And I just shrug and, again, chuckle.&#8221;<\/p>\n<h4 class=\"heading__StyledHeading-r87mu4-0 hgGngB paywall\">Steering one-handed<\/h4>\n<p class=\"default__StyledText-sc-1nhbny4-0 gVsmvl body-paragraph paywall\">Has Partridge been inspired by any other podcasts? \u201cLess other podcasts, more by the excellence we see all around us: a dog leaping to catch a stick, a ballerina doing a brilliant ballet, a forklift truck driver steering one-handed while smoking.\u201d<\/p>\n<p class=\"default__StyledText-sc-1nhbny4-0 gVsmvl body-paragraph paywall\">Having said that, he admits to enjoying the true-crime genre (\u201cNothing beats settling down with a glass of wine and a plate of sandwiches to be entertained by the ins and outs of a man found battered to death in a hedge\u201d) and is considering using a second series of his podcast to explore the disappearance of a friend who fell from a pier in 2013, never to be found. \u201cI\u2019m just waiting to hear from Audible as they\u2019ve yet to say they definitely want a second series. I\u2019m not worried. It\u2019s just that they said they\u2019d call and thus far they haven\u2019t. It\u2019s fine. They\u2019ve not not called. They\u2019ve just not called.\u201d<\/p>\n<p class=\"default__StyledText-sc-1nhbny4-0 gVsmvl body-paragraph paywall\">Alan Gordon Partridge is allergic to shellfish and was born in King&#8217;s Lynn, Norfolk. At school he was nicknamed Smelly Alison Fartridge. &#8220;Bullying suggests weakness. I wasn&#8217;t bullied. I allowed some pretty dysfunctional kids to reveal their dysfunction through the medium of hitting me. And now everyone knows they&#8217;re dysfunctional and I&#8217;m clearing a six-figure salary. So remind me \u2013 which one of us was bullied?&#8221;<\/p>\n<p class=\"default__StyledText-sc-1nhbny4-0 gVsmvl body-paragraph paywall\">Partridge found fame presenting the sports on Radio 4\u2019s On the Hour and BBC Two\u2019s The Day Today. Does he still have an interest in sport?<\/p>\n<p class=\"default__StyledText-sc-1nhbny4-0 gVsmvl body-paragraph paywall\">&#8220;Does anyone? Once upon a time, the theme from Grandstand by Keith Mansfield would waft through from the living room and every household would drift to the sofa, like a snake-charmed snake to a snake charmer. But as the BBC lost the rights to blue-riband events, the music developed a sarcastic feel, the bombast that had once led into, say, the Monaco Grand Prix jarring badly with live canoeing from Wiltshire or the Masters snooker from wherever the Masters snooker is from.&#8221;<\/p>\n<h4 class=\"heading__StyledHeading-r87mu4-0 hgGngB paywall\">TKMKYWAPCS<\/h4>\n<p class=\"default__StyledText-sc-1nhbny4-0 gVsmvl body-paragraph paywall\">On his chat show Knowing Me, Knowing You With Alan Partridge (KMKYWAP for short), Partridge accidentally shot dead a guest during a segment on duelling pistols. During TKMKYWAPCS (The Knowing Me, Knowing You With Alan Partridge Christmas Special), he accidentally punched chief commissioning editor of BBC television Tony Hayers with a turkey. Partridge then pitched Cooking in Prison, Youth Hostelling With Chris Eubank and Monkey Tennis.<\/p>\n<p class=\"default__StyledText-sc-1nhbny4-0 gVsmvl body-paragraph paywall\">Yet F*** Off I&#8217;m Fat, Anthea Turner: Perfect Housewife and World&#8217;s Craziest Fools, presented by Mr T, have aired on BBC Three.<\/p>\n<p class=\"default__StyledText-sc-1nhbny4-0 gVsmvl body-paragraph paywall\">Is he bitter?<\/p>\n<p class=\"default__StyledText-sc-1nhbny4-0 gVsmvl body-paragraph paywall\">\u201cIt\u2019s interesting,\u201d muses Partridge. \u201cI proposed those shows in strict confidence at a private luncheon with Tony Hayers. Somehow, the world and his dog now know about them so I know Hayers must have betrayed my confidence and told people. Does that mean he deserved to die in a tragic accident just weeks later? Yes, I think it does.\u201d<\/p>\n<figure class=\"article-body-image-container paywall\"><picture class=\"Image__StyledPicture-sc-8yioqf-0 iKCNis\"><source srcset=\"https:\/\/www.irishtimes.com\/resizer\/VLG5WOg7GN8Mf6f8zk1BcFMoG9I=\/1440x0\/filters:format(jpg):quality(70)\/cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com\/irishtimes\/WF2UM5P3XYBANVEDQDAFZ4KUJY.jpg\" media=\"screen and (min-width: 992px)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/www.irishtimes.com\/resizer\/gKXnu7F4iPBJjDo0S4iYF1esIuA=\/1024x0\/filters:format(jpg):quality(70)\/cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com\/irishtimes\/WF2UM5P3XYBANVEDQDAFZ4KUJY.jpg\" media=\"screen and (min-width: 768px)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/www.irishtimes.com\/resizer\/W_gn3fR_QGKzXExBHKUQj2DfCx4=\/768x0\/filters:format(jpg):quality(70)\/cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com\/irishtimes\/WF2UM5P3XYBANVEDQDAFZ4KUJY.jpg\" media=\"screen and (min-width: 0px)\" \/><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/www.irishtimes.com\/resizer\/VLG5WOg7GN8Mf6f8zk1BcFMoG9I=\/1440x0\/filters:format(jpg):quality(70)\/cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com\/irishtimes\/WF2UM5P3XYBANVEDQDAFZ4KUJY.jpg\" width=\"1440\" height=\"0\" \/><\/picture>\n<figcaption><\/figcaption>\n<\/figure>\n<p class=\"default__StyledText-sc-1nhbny4-0 gVsmvl body-paragraph paywall\">Partridge then presented Up With the Partridge and Norfolk Nights on Radio Norwich (&#8220;A TV presenter claiming to prefer radio is like a Hollywood actor claiming their first love is &#8216;the theatre&#8217; \u2013 a clear and obvious lie&#8221;), and Mid Morning Matters on North Norfolk Digital, the same radio station where he was later held hostage at gunpoint by fellow DJ Pat Farrell. He returned to live TV in 2019 to co-present BBC One&#8217;s flagship current affairs programme This Time, after host John Baskell died. Are there any broadcast media he&#8217;d still like to try?<\/p>\n<p class=\"default__StyledText-sc-1nhbny4-0 gVsmvl body-paragraph paywall\">&#8220;I&#8217;d like to have had a crack at voicing the government&#8217;s public information Covid campaign. Nothing against Mark Strong. He has competent delivery and an authoritative voice, but a glance at the numbers suggests Strong just hasn&#8217;t worked. I&#8217;d love to be considered for the second wave.&#8221;<\/p>\n<figure class=\"article-body-image-container paywall\"><picture class=\"Image__StyledPicture-sc-8yioqf-0 iKCNis\"><source srcset=\"https:\/\/www.irishtimes.com\/resizer\/F6CxJENwZ4-uBYfWTyeN0WjqPjs=\/1440x0\/filters:format(jpg):quality(70)\/cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com\/irishtimes\/IQS5LJXU3WCVMZKZLQV2THC7MI.jpg\" media=\"screen and (min-width: 992px)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/www.irishtimes.com\/resizer\/X6wIde7YzAdSdt93JY6PxA8CyDQ=\/1024x0\/filters:format(jpg):quality(70)\/cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com\/irishtimes\/IQS5LJXU3WCVMZKZLQV2THC7MI.jpg\" media=\"screen and (min-width: 768px)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/www.irishtimes.com\/resizer\/Gu0f7GhW8RO8p5rTtZz6wY95XeQ=\/768x0\/filters:format(jpg):quality(70)\/cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com\/irishtimes\/IQS5LJXU3WCVMZKZLQV2THC7MI.jpg\" media=\"screen and (min-width: 0px)\" \/><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/www.irishtimes.com\/resizer\/F6CxJENwZ4-uBYfWTyeN0WjqPjs=\/1440x0\/filters:format(jpg):quality(70)\/cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com\/irishtimes\/IQS5LJXU3WCVMZKZLQV2THC7MI.jpg\" width=\"1440\" height=\"0\" \/><\/picture>\n<figcaption><\/figcaption>\n<\/figure>\n<p class=\"default__StyledText-sc-1nhbny4-0 gVsmvl body-paragraph paywall\">So how does Partridge think the UK government is coping? \u201cSomething special is happening with the Conservative party right now,\u201d he says. \u201cI like Boris a lot, although I\u2019ve never met him. He was going to be at a function I was at a few years ago, but apparently he\u2019d just had another baby and was having a small gathering to celebrate hitting double figures. But he\u2019s persuasive. We\u2019re talking about a chap who\u2019s managed to pass himself off as an energetic, sporty ladies\u2019 man despite being morbidly obese with a kind of . . . I want to say collapsing face? Like that evil rabbit at the end of Watership Down. What can I say, I like the guy!\u201d<\/p>\n<p class=\"default__StyledText-sc-1nhbny4-0 gVsmvl body-paragraph paywall\">So what was Norwich like during lockdown? &#8220;Norwich is used to repelling unwanted plagues \u2013 be they germs, people from Suffolk or invading armies. I remember when my kids were teenagers . . . &#8221; (I interrupt to ask when he last saw his now middle-aged children. &#8220;Just before lockdown. They&#8217;re shielding so I couldn&#8217;t visit anyway. Fernando says he had head cancer and Denise says she&#8217;s sometimes diabetic . . . &#8220;)<\/p>\n<p class=\"default__StyledText-sc-1nhbny4-0 gVsmvl body-paragraph paywall\">\u201cAnyway, we\u2019d have an enormous Christmas breakfast then go for a big old walk while Carol cooked Christmas lunch. One year, the kids didn\u2019t want to come \u2013 I\u2019d bought them a chemistry set, so I get it \u2013 so off I set on my own in my new coat, a lovely warm thing. After several miles, I found a world war two pillbox. It was just fascinating to sit inside, imagine the Germans had invaded and picture British soldiers in here, shouting, \u2018Take that, Fritz!\u2019 and whatnot. Anyway as I say it\u2019d had been a very big breakfast and this was a very warm coat and long story short, I woke up and it was 2pm on Boxing Day. I didn\u2019t realise until I got home and Carol had taken down all the decorations. So mixed memories there.\u201d<\/p>\n<h4 class=\"heading__StyledHeading-r87mu4-0 hgGngB paywall\">Wilf and Fi<\/h4>\n<p class=\"default__StyledText-sc-1nhbny4-0 gVsmvl body-paragraph paywall\">How\u2019s his love life these days?<\/p>\n<p class=\"default__StyledText-sc-1nhbny4-0 gVsmvl body-paragraph paywall\">\u201cVaried. I signed up to an elite dating agency called Echelon, for high wealth\/class individuals looking to encounter similar. It\u2019s run by a couple called Wilf and Fi who provide a tightly curated list of potential matches. I was in a very happy sexless relationship for 12 months. We\u2019d kiss, cuddle and talk about the garden. Very pleasant. Just nothing genital. Some of my mates said it must be like going out with a mermaid. They were right. Although one that can\u2019t swim.\u201d<\/p>\n<p class=\"default__StyledText-sc-1nhbny4-0 gVsmvl body-paragraph paywall\">He shows me round the house. Recent spoilsports in the oasthouse field have noted that this particular oasthouse does not possess the visible joints nor the vented fireproof floor required of a traditional 19th-century oasthouse and is more likely to have been a game larder.<\/p>\n<p class=\"default__StyledText-sc-1nhbny4-0 gVsmvl body-paragraph paywall\">\u201cIt didn\u2019t used to be anything; it\u2019s a new build, so they\u2019re bang wrong,\u201d he snaps. Meaning it never was an oasthouse? \u201cThat\u2019s absolutely correct. In fact, if I come to sell it, I legally have to list it as an oast-style house. It only dates back to 2018. I read somewhere you can age brickwork by power hosing it with black coffee but it just made the house smell like a bank manager\u2019s mouth so I had it cleaned off. Either way, it doesn\u2019t look like a game larder and it\u2019s never been a game larder.\u201d<\/p>\n<p class=\"default__StyledText-sc-1nhbny4-0 gVsmvl body-paragraph paywall\">Partridge suddenly jumps up. \u201cBugger me, I have to collect Lynn from her physio.\u201d Ah, yes. Partridge\u2019s dedicated assistant Lynn, who has worked for him since the 90s. \u201cShe\u2019s just started a 12-month driving ban, so I\u2019m having to ferry her around and subtract the petrol money from her wages. She fell asleep at the wheel after an Irish coffee and crashed into a stationary St John ambulance \u2013 people you\u2019d expect to be able to cope in the event of a low-speed collision \u2013 but their training went out of the window and they went to pieces. It was only when a second St John ambulance arrived that they were able to restore some semblance of order. The judge made an example of her, which I think she was quietly flattered by.\u201d<\/p>\n<p class=\"default__StyledText-sc-1nhbny4-0 gVsmvl body-paragraph paywall\">Just one more question, I ask, as Partridge shows me the door. What\u2019s the difference between an oasthouse and a game larder anyway? \u201cYou dry hops in an oasthouse. You mature dead animals in a game larder. Very different vibes. You might show a Tinder date around an oasthouse and kiss her up against the hops. Would you do that next to the corpse of a baby deer or a bunch of garrotted rabbits? I don\u2019t know, maybe you would.\u201d \u2013 Guardian<\/p>\n<hr \/><\/article>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/header><header class=\"reader-article-header\" aria-label=\"Newsletter header\">\n<h1 class=\"reader-article-header__title t-40 t-black t-normal pt6\" dir=\"ltr\">Think yourself creative: a thought piece<\/h1>\n<ul class=\"reader-article-header__meta t-14 t-black--light t-normal mt4\">\n<li><time class=\"reader-article-header__publish-date\">Published on September 2, 2020<\/time><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/header>\n<figure class=\"mt6 relative\"><\/figure>\n<div class=\"relative reader__grid mt6\">\n<div class=\"reader-author-info__container-wrapper\">\n<div class=\"reader-author-info__container reader-author-info__container--reactions-enable\">\n<div class=\"display-flex align-items-center justify-space-between flex-wrap\">\n<div id=\"ember2546\" class=\"artdeco-entity-lockup artdeco-entity-lockup--size-4 ember-view\">\n<div id=\"ember2547\" class=\"artdeco-entity-lockup__image artdeco-entity-lockup__image--type-circle ember-view\">\n<div class=\"feed-shared-avatar-image b0 member ml2\">\n<div class=\"presence-entity presence-entity--size-4\"><span style=\"color: inherit; font-size: 1.95em; font-weight: 600;\">Alan Partridge<\/span><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div id=\"ember2550\" class=\"reader-author-info__content artdeco-entity-lockup__content ember-view\">\n<div id=\"ember2553\" class=\"artdeco-entity-lockup__subtitle ember-view\">\n<div id=\"ember2554\" class=\"t-black--light lt-line-clamp lt-line-clamp--multi-line ember-view\">Broadcaster, Newscaster, Sportscaster, Thoughtcaster, Podcaster<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"flex-shrink-zero\"><a id=\"ember2561\" class=\"ember-view reader-author-info__total-articles link-without-visited-state\" href=\"https:\/\/www.linkedin.com\/in\/the-real-alan-partridge\/recent-activity\/posts\/\">3 articles<\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"reader-author-info__container-wrapper\">\n<div class=\"reader-author-info__container reader-author-info__container--reactions-enable\">\n<div class=\"display-flex align-items-center justify-space-between flex-wrap\">\n<div class=\"flex-shrink-zero\">\u00a0<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div>\n<div class=\"reader-article-content reader-article-content--legacy-html\" dir=\"ltr\">\n<div class=\"slate-resizable-image-embed slate-image-embed__resize-full-width\"><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/media-exp1.licdn.com\/dms\/image\/C4E12AQFI9tsblO8DmA\/article-inline_image-shrink_1000_1488\/0\/1599043517276?e=1669852800&amp;v=beta&amp;t=2bTL3QYX737CSnNXIIrXCAFk_kbsJWCjhYgAS3mAkcA\" alt=\"No alt text provided for this image\" data-media-urn=\"\" data-li-src=\"https:\/\/media-exp1.licdn.com\/dms\/image\/C4E12AQFI9tsblO8DmA\/article-inline_image-shrink_1000_1488\/0\/1599043517276?e=1669852800&amp;v=beta&amp;t=2bTL3QYX737CSnNXIIrXCAFk_kbsJWCjhYgAS3mAkcA\" \/><\/div>\n<h3>The question I\u2019m asked more than any other \u2013 more than \u2018are you Alan Partridge\u2019 or \u2018is that a wig\u2019 or \u2018why don\u2019t you have a Norwich accent\u2019 or \u2018have you passed an advanced driving course because you drive like you have\u2019 \u2013 is this: \u2018how can I maximise my creativity?\u2019<\/h3>\n<p>Because whatever your profession, whatever game you\u2019re in, you\u2019re only going to become an industry leader if you\u2019re creative.<\/p>\n<p>Creativity can take many forms. It might be Bernard Matthews\u2019 forensic quest to find efficiencies in poultry slaughtering that would allow him to achieve the fabled \u2018ten pence turkey\u2019. Or Gary Barlow\u2019s ingenuity both in writing hit pop tracks or seeking to become ever more tax efficient.<\/p>\n<p>True creativity needs to become a habit. It\u2019s no good sitting down to dream up a logo or TV format and thinking you could just summon creativity at the flick of a switch. You need to train that muscle, like Ross Kemp does with his glutes. That means thinking creatively the moment you awake. Think about the way you get out of bed. You always get out of bed the same way \u2013 flopping one side of the duvet up, letting both legs dollop over the side, before planting the feet and standing up. Spend a few minutes thinking of\u00a0another\u00a0way to leave the bed, a\u00a0different\u00a0way to leave the bed. Roly poly off the end; stand on it and jump to the door; have an obese friend jump onto the mattress in a way that catapults you up and out, I don\u2019t know. Just think, see what occurs.<\/p>\n<p>Okay, it\u2019s breakfast. You\u2019d normally slop a bowlful of porridge out of a pan and sit down to eat. Is that it? You\u2019re just going to dole it mouthwards while you stare at the wall? Use your noodle and be creative. Why not use the porridge to exercise the mind muscle. How would you\u00a0describe\u00a0porridge to someone who\u2019d never encountered it? What words would you use? Slop, paste, gunk, hot, claggy, silken, gruel, oaty, food, nice, eat, tummy, carbohydrate, coagulated. Any others? Already, your cogs are whirring.\u00a0You\u2019re in a creative mind space. Why not make a face from the components of the bowl. Two blueberries for eyes. A smear of banana could make a cracking little smile. Almond ears. If it\u2019s thickened enough, use the sharp edge of the spoon to slash a nose down the middle. There it is, think outside the box, be different, be you, be best.<\/p>\n<p>You dress. What were you thinking, shirt and tie? How about just a shirt, open to the sternum? Or a\u00a0polo shirt\u00a0with a tie? Or a ribbed, turtle neck sweater in an unusual colour? Cravats can be a great way to explore your creative side. Ditto a beret. Try something\u00a0different. For crying out loud, be\u00a0creative.<\/p>\n<p>Time for that video call. Why not do that a little differently \u2013 after all they can only see you from the chest up. Why not host the call while sporting some ladies shoes, or scratching your feet with a pumice stone, or doing some lunges? Again,\u00a0try to be creative. I don\u2019t know how many times I have to say it.<\/p>\n<p>I could go on.<\/p>\n<p><em>This is an extract from Forward Solutions: An Imbecile\u2019s Guide by Alan Partridge, published here with the kind permission of Alan Partridge. Copyright Alan Partridge. Alan Partridge.<\/em>\u00a0<\/p>\n<hr \/><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/ichef.bbci.co.uk\/images\/ic\/1200x675\/p07k7vzw.jpg\" \/><\/p>\n<h3>Alan Partridge On The New BBC Series Of This Time\u2026<\/h3>\n<p><b>Alan, welcome back! For the uninitiated, what can you tell us about This Time?<\/b><\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s what\u2019s known as a magazine show, bottling all of the magic of magazine reading and translating that into 30 minutes of TV. Some people sneer at magazines. But imagine a world without magazines, with readers having to make do with books, newspapers and letters. A chilling prospect.<\/p>\n<p>This Time manages to be all your favourite magazines rolled into one. As informative as the Reader\u2019s Digest, as sassy as Bunty, as entertaining as Private Eye pre-Hislop, as debonaire as Conde Nast Traveler, as fair-minded as The Spectator.<\/p>\n<p>Our goal? To deliver telly people talk about \u2013 what BBC execs still refer to as water cooler TV, even when you point out everyone works from home these days so office water coolers are just stagnant receptacles going mouldy round the nozzle.<\/p>\n<p><b>What kind of subjects does the show cover?<\/b><\/p>\n<p>What doesn\u2019t it cover!<\/p>\n<p><b>But what does it cover?<\/b><\/p>\n<p>Well, we\u2019ll cover current affairs, hot button topics, global issues, everyday niggles, some very light politics \u2013 pitched at or below GCSE level \u2013 all held together with good old fashioned chat, which by the way is baked into the format. We underfill the show by about 30% to allow for nattering. So over the half hour, expect around 20 minutes of content. And the rest of it is left slack to keep the show fresh.<\/p>\n<p><b>Describe a typical day working on the show.<\/b><\/p>\n<p>I like to arrive at the BBC early.<\/p>\n<p>I often bring in a box of doughnuts for the team and say \u2018dig in\u2019 while I stand beside the box to ensure no one takes more than their allocated one. It\u2019s a shame I need to police it but this is the modern BBC for you.<\/p>\n<p>The editorial meeting will discuss items we can cover in future episodes. It\u2019s all fairly workaday so I like to hurl in more daring ideas \u2013 often just semi-thoughts like \u2018zero gravity?\u2019 or \u2018live from Broadmoor?\u2019 \u2013 and yes, 99.9% of them will be quite rightly discarded. But it\u2019s that 0.1% that could one day scoop us a nomination for a National Television Award.<\/p>\n<p>At lunch, I\u2019ll grab a sandwich and go and look down into the atrium occupied by BBC News to see if I can see them ready the One O\u2019Clock News, while my co-presenter Jennie [Gresham] spends time with her phone.<\/p>\n<p>After lunch, another meeting, this one running through that evening\u2019s show. I tend to tune out of this one. It is possible to over-prepare for a show, and render it stale. Instead I prefer to experience parts of the show as a viewer would \u2013 which means sometimes I won\u2019t really know who a guest is until they come on, or what Jennie\u2019s report is about or why the man in my earpiece is saying I have to walk to the other side of the studio.<\/p>\n<p>And then it\u2019s all about getting ready for the show. I\u2019ll sit in hair and make up for half an hour and then retire to my dressing room to instantly redo my hair, unmaking all the mistakes the hair stylist wouldn\u2019t have made if she\u2019d been listening.<\/p>\n<p>Then I dress, do 10 push ups, finish the doughnuts if there are any doughnuts left, and wait for the show to start.<\/p>\n<p><b>Do you have any input on the stories you feature in the show?<\/b><\/p>\n<p>Under the producership of our producer Philip, it\u2019s a green light, open door, free-for-all. Got an idea? Pitch it. Doesn\u2019t have to be a topic to be covered in the show. I might go to him and say, the lighting guy isn\u2019t very good, lose him. Or I think Jennie needs to wear more blusher.<\/p>\n<p>Philip is the Biddy Baxter of This Time, a producer who\u2019s helmed the show since its inception. Sadly he\u2019s leaving because he\u2019s got a younger girlfriend and she wants to go travelling. But we\u2019ll certainly miss him. He\u2019s wonderfully hands off which means he\u2019ll leave you to write your own autocue or deliver video packages without always running them by him<\/p>\n<p>And while things might change under the new producer whoever he (or she!!!!) is, they might not.<\/p>\n<p><b>What\u2019s it like presenting alongside such a popular presenter as Jennie Gresham?<\/b><\/p>\n<p>A keen tennis player and childless, Jennie likes nothing more than catching up on the soaps, reading the Guardian newspaper or shopping for the latest iPads. She\u2019s modern, sassy and wants it all!<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s fair to say we approach our roles as co-anchors slightly differently. One of us can be seen presenting umpteen other BBC shows from Walking the Lakes with Jennie Gresham to The Unexplored Brontes with Jennie Gresham to Inside John Lewis with Jennie Gresham to Jennie Gresham\u2019s NHS Heroes. The other one prefers to dedicate him- or herself exclusively to This Time because he\/she happens to think the show and our viewers deserve that, but each to their own.<\/p>\n<p><b>How would you describe your working relationship?<\/b><\/p>\n<p>We\u2019ve had our ups and downs \u2013 it\u2019s like a marriage. Very like a marriage in that we sit next to each on a sofa, we don\u2019t face each other when we talk and there\u2019s no sex or suggestion of sex.<\/p>\n<p>Are we friends? Well, are Ant and Dec friends? Are Holly and Phil? Are Richard and Judy. No, of course not. But we dovetail, at least I do.<\/p>\n<p><b>And the rest of the team?<\/b><\/p>\n<p>Roving reporter Ruth Duggan is a hugely popular member of the team, her charismatic smile redolent of public figures such as Priti Patel. Off air she has a tendency to mutter but on air she\u2019s clear and informative. Yes, I like Ruth very much. Are we bosom buddies? No. She\u2019d probably mutter that \u2018bosom buddies\u2019 is sexist and no better than saying \u2018mammary mates\u2019 or \u2018chest chums\u2019. But that\u2019s part of her wonderfully dry sense of humour. Yes, I like Ruth very much.<\/p>\n<p>Simon Denton is our social media man. His role has slightly expanded, as has he due to inactivity during lockdown. He\u2019s keen to take on more of a presenting brief, but that\u2019s something we can revisit at the back end of next year or the first half of 2023. And talk about funny! From puns to quips to voices (he now has ten voices) to wry sideways looks at things, this guy comedically has it all and provides some welcome light relief, particularly after Ruth\u2019s been on.<\/p>\n<p>And then there\u2019s crew who I won\u2019t name. They\u2019re broadly fine.<\/p>\n<p>As for me, I\u2019m just an old codger who potters in his garden and happens to be good at advanced driving.<\/p>\n<p><b>How has the show continued amid the Covid pandemic?<\/b><\/p>\n<p>We\u2019ve coped manfully and womanfully. We even have a studio audience for every show. They have to socially distance when the camera is on them but out of shot they can do what they like. For the crew though, it\u2019s a different story. Temperature tests on entry, no sharing water bottles, compulsory masks and of course regular testing which I\u2019ve not enjoyed.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ve had an overactive gag reflex ever since a drinking game I was made to play on a stag do. This makes Covid testing an ordeal. I\u2019ve had to develop a routine to stave off panic. I numb the throat with an anaesthetic spray, eliminating as much sensation as possible. With my tonsils deadened, I blindfold myself, put on a loud piece of music, open my mouth and count to 500 hundred. The covid tester has until then to sneak in, swab, and leave. If they\u2019re not heavily odoured, I can get to 500 without even knowing I\u2019d been tested. It\u2019s a rigmarole, but it works.<\/p>\n<p><b>This Time saw you return to presenting on the BBC after 25 years, how did it feel to be back on BBC One after such a long time?<\/b><\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s like stumbling across a long-discarded pair of trousers in the back of your wardrobe. You\u2019d grown out of them decades earlier but now due to a new fitness regime and gastric flu that means you can\u2019t keep food down, they fit again. You put them on, savouring the snug grip of waistband on midriff, perhaps parading up and down the landing like it\u2019s a catwalk. Obviously, chances are you\u2019ll regain that weight and outgrow the slacks again, but right now? It feels intensely satisfying. That is what it feels like to be back on the BBC. I can\u2019t put it any clearer than that.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ve now had the pleasure of presenting the show since 2019 and for billions of households up and down the country, I\u2019m now part of the furniture \u2013 one of the good ones such as an elegant sideboard or a sleek TV\/stereo unit.<\/p>\n<p><b>Was there a particular guest that stood out for you in this or the previous series?<\/b><\/p>\n<p>I think what you\u2019re asking is \u2018what makes a good guest\u2019. And that\u2019s a great question. A good guest is famous, with two anecdotes, speaks quickly (eg someone Scottish) and clearly (eg someone not Scottish), and listens. A lot of them don\u2019t listen, that\u2019s the problem. They think it\u2019s all about them. They don\u2019t listen, they need to listen more.<\/p>\n<p><b>Alan, many well-known gameshows have returned to the airwaves of late. Jeremy Clarkson now hosts Who Wants to Be A Millionaire and Gino D\u2019Acampo heads up Family Fortunes. Are there any classic gameshows from yesteryear you would like to revive\/reboot and host?<\/b><\/p>\n<p>No.<\/p>\n<p>This Time with Alan Partridge returns to BBC One on Friday 30th April at 9.30pm<\/p>\n<hr \/><center><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/453f9d9d4b2c7a190631b43caa071aa632046001\/0_173_6400_3840\/master\/6400.jpg?width=1020&amp;quality=85&amp;auto=format&amp;fit=max&amp;s=9bb703579cca8d5e06a82340ee155490\" \/><\/center>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<h1>Alan Partridge on his new podcast: \u2018This is the real, raw, be-cardiganed me\u2019<\/h1>\n<p><b>Rich Pelley<\/b><br \/><em>He\u2019s back \u2013 sporting a post-lockdown haircut and hosting a new podcast. Britain\u2019s No 1 raconteur talks about his new hat, driving a Vauxhall, and why Boris Johnson looks like the evil rabbit in Watership Down<\/em><br \/>Wed 2 Sep 2020<\/p>\n<p>Turn right out of Norwich railway station, take the number 12 bus, change at Norfolk and Norwich University Hospital, ride eight stops on the number 4 towards Swanton Morley, walk 1.1 miles, and you can\u2019t help but spot the twin louvred conical towers of the oasthouse that Alan Partridge calls home. It is from this very oasthouse that Partridge \u2013 raconteur, national treasure, wit \u2013 broadcasts his brand new podcast, From the Oasthouse: The Alan Partridge Podcast, and to which Partridge has invited the Guardian.<\/p>\n<p>Partridge bounds out to greet me in what appears to be an effusive show of hospitality. He offers a handshake before snapping it back into a more pandemic-appropriate wave. \u201cI am so fine with social distancing,\u201d he says. \u201cRemember, I work in television where you\u2019re forever mauled, hugged and leant on by over-pally floor managers or cackling makeup ladies. Now I can say, \u2018Get your hands off me!\u2019 without appearing in any way rude.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He glances at my bag before lowering his voice. \u201cI\u2019d ask that you remove any sandwiches and if you\u2019ve handled any such snack in the last hour, wash your hands quietly and well.\u201d His dog, he explains \u2013 an enormous brown mastiff called Seldom \u2013 adores sandwiches.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cLess than 0.1% of mastiffs attack,\u201d says Partridge as we sidle past the animal. \u201cUnfortunately, Seldom\u2019s the whole of that 0.1%. The kindest thing I can say is that he\u2019s a statistical anomaly.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Twenty minutes later, with the dog sleeping off a meal of ham and boiled eggs, we sit down at the kitchen table. Does Partridge trust the press, I ask? Was he involved in the phone hacking scandal? \u201cI was concerned enough at the time to have a friend leave a fake message on my voicemail discussing the fact that a high oestrogen count had given me breasts that I was only able to hide with extensive strapping. I wanted to see if it got picked up by a paper. To this day there\u2019s never been a story published suggesting Alan Partridge has tits.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Alan Partridge in person is just as you\u2019d imagine Alan Partridge off the telly. He\u2019s managed his first post-lockdown haircut. \u201cNo longer having to worry about the volume and lustre of my hair, I became a hat man, something I\u2019ve always wanted to try,\u201d he says. \u201cSo I\u2019d buy a hat online and then spend a day wearing it. It was only when I answered the door to a smirking Ocado driver while wearing a Jamiroquai hat that I had a moment of clarity\u2026\u201d He\u2019s sporting a fetching pair of burgundy trousers. \u201cThey\u2019re not burgundy,\u201d he corrects me. \u201cThey\u2019re ox-blood. Sometimes I\u2019ll just see a colour and think, \u2018I want to wear that.\u2019 So I\u2019ll pick it out of a Dulux colour chart and send my assistant to the shops.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>What\u2019s the format of his new podcast? \u201cFormat is the death of chat,\u201d counters Partridge. \u201cPodcasts are strangled by format \u2013 talk about your favourite meal, tell us about the adverts you enjoy, tell us about the last time you cried, watch Doctor Who with me. Mine is different. I just yank back the curtain, drop the facade, peel back the warm hood of celebrity and reveal the real me, the raw me, the true me. A be-cardiganed, cuppa-tea-swigging, pair-of-slippers kind of Alan.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>This is one of half a dozen times Partridge mentions tea or cardigans, as if keen to project the air of a man at ease with himself.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cFive years ago, I was swanning around in a complimentary Kia, my name emblazoned on the side, the talk of Norwich \u2013 Johnny Big Bollocks,\u201d he says. \u201cToday\u2026?\u201d He nods outside to a silver saloon. What\u2019s he driving, I ask? \u201cOh, a Vauxhall, but who cares really? After the year we\u2019ve been through, there are more important things than how much you earn or what racquets club you\u2019re a member of or how sweet your wheels are. And people say, \u2018That\u2019s the Insignia GSi, isn\u2019t it? Nine-speed automatic with paddle shift? Keyless entry, e-boost hydraulic brakes, heated front seats with massage functionality?\u2019 And I just chuckle. Some even peer through the window and say, \u2018Tell you what, Alan, for a 40k car, this is specced to absolute buggery.\u2019 And I just shrug and, again, chuckle.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Has Partridge been inspired by any other podcasts? \u201cLess other podcasts, more by the excellence we see all around us: a dog leaping to catch a stick, a ballerina doing a brilliant ballet, a forklift truck driver steering one-handed while smoking.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Having said that, he admits to enjoying the true-crime genre (\u201cNothing beats settling down with a glass of wine and a plate of sandwiches to be entertained by the ins and outs of a man found battered to death in a hedge\u201d) and is considering using a second series of his podcast to explore the disappearance of a friend who fell from a pier in 2013, never to be found. \u201cI\u2019m just waiting to hear from Audible as they\u2019ve yet to say they definitely want a second series. I\u2019m not worried. It\u2019s just that they said they\u2019d call and thus far they haven\u2019t. It\u2019s fine. They\u2019ve not not called. They\u2019ve just not called.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Alan Gordon Partridge is allergic to shellfish and was born in King\u2019s Lynn, Norfolk. At school he was nicknamed Smelly Alison Fartridge. \u201cBullying suggests weakness. I wasn\u2019t bullied. I allowed some pretty dysfunctional kids to reveal their dysfunction through the medium of hitting me. And now everyone knows they\u2019re dysfunctional and I\u2019m clearing a six-figure salary. So remind me \u2013 which one of us was bullied?\u201d Partridge found fame presenting the sports on Radio 4\u2019s On the Hour and BBC Two\u2019s The Day Today. Does he still have an interest in sport?<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDoes anyone? Once upon a time, the theme from Grandstand by Keith Mansfield would waft through from the living room and every household in Britain would drift to the sofa, like a snake-charmed snake to a snake charmer. But as the BBC lost the rights to blue-riband events, the music developed a sarcastic feel, the bombast that had once led into, say, the Monaco Grand Prix jarring badly with live canoeing from Wiltshire or the Masters snooker from wherever the Masters snooker is from.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>A TV presenter claiming to prefer radio is like a Hollywood actor claiming their first love is theatre \u2013 a clear lie<br \/>On his chat show Knowing Me, Knowing You With Alan Partridge (KMKYWAP for short), Partridge accidentally shot dead a guest during a segment on duelling pistols. During TKMKYWAPCS (The Knowing Me, Knowing You With Alan Partridge Christmas Special), he accidentally punched chief commissioning editor of BBC television Tony Hayers with a turkey. Partridge then pitched Cooking in Prison, Youth Hostelling With Chris Eubank and Monkey Tennis. Yet F*** Off I\u2019m Fat, Anthea Turner: Perfect Housewife and World\u2019s Craziest Fools, presented by Mr T, have aired on BBC Three. Is he bitter?<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s interesting,\u201d muses Partridge. \u201cI proposed those shows in strict confidence at a private luncheon with Tony Hayers. Somehow, the world and his dog now know about them so I know Hayers must have betrayed my confidence and told people. Does that mean he deserved to die in a tragic accident just weeks later? Yes, I think it does.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Partridge then presented Up With the Partridge and Norfolk Nights on Radio Norwich (\u201cA TV presenter claiming to prefer radio is like a Hollywood actor claiming their first love is \u2018the theatre\u2019 \u2013 a clear and obvious lie\u201d), and Mid Morning Matters on North Norfolk Digital, the same radio station where he was later held hostage at gunpoint by fellow DJ Pat Farrell. He returned to live TV in 2019 to co-present BBC One\u2019s flagship current affairs programme This Time, after host John Baskell died. Are there any broadcast media he\u2019d still like to try?<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019d like to have had a crack at voicing the government\u2019s public information Covid campaign. Nothing against Mark Strong. He has competent delivery and an authoritative voice, but a glance at the numbers suggests Strong just hasn\u2019t worked. I\u2019d love to be considered for the second wave.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>So how does Partridge think the government is coping? \u201cSomething special is happening with the Conservative party right now,\u201d he says. \u201cI like Boris a lot, although I\u2019ve never met him. He was going to be at a function I was at a few years ago, but apparently he\u2019d just had another baby and was having a small gathering to celebrate hitting double figures. But he\u2019s persuasive. We\u2019re talking about a chap who\u2019s managed to pass himself off as an energetic, sporty ladies\u2019 man despite being morbidly obese with a kind of \u2026 I want to say collapsing face? Like that evil rabbit at the end of Watership Down. What can I say, I like the guy!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>So what was Norwich like during lockdown? \u201cNorwich is used to repelling unwanted plagues \u2013 be they germs, people from Suffolk or invading armies. I remember when my kids were teenagers\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>(I interrupt to ask when he last saw his now middle-aged children. \u201cJust before lockdown. They\u2019re shielding so I couldn\u2019t visit anyway. Fernando says he had head cancer and Denise says she\u2019s sometimes diabetic\u2026\u201d)<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnyway, we\u2019d have an enormous Christmas breakfast then go for a big old walk while Carol cooked Christmas lunch. One year, the kids didn\u2019t want to come \u2013 I\u2019d bought them a chemistry set, so I get it \u2013 so off I set on my own in my new coat, a lovely warm thing. After several miles, I found a world war two pillbox. It was just fascinating to sit inside, imagine the Germans had invaded and picture British soldiers in here, shouting, \u2018Take that, Fritz!\u2019 and whatnot. Anyway as I say it\u2019d had been a very big breakfast and this was a very warm coat and long story short, I woke up and it was 2pm on Boxing Day. I didn\u2019t realise until I got home and Carol had taken down all the decorations. So mixed memories there.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>How\u2019s his love life these days? \u201cVaried. I signed up to an elite dating agency called Echelon, for high wealth\/class individuals looking to encounter similar. It\u2019s run by a couple called Wilf and Fi who provide a tightly curated list of potential matches. I was in a very happy sexless relationship for 12 months. We\u2019d kiss, cuddle and talk about the garden. Very pleasant. Just nothing genital. Some of my mates said it must be like going out with a mermaid. They were right. Although one that can\u2019t swim.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He shows me round the house. Recent spoilsports in the oasthouse field have noted that this particular oasthouse does not possess the visible joints nor the vented fireproof floor required of a traditional 19th-century oasthouse and is more likely to have been a game larder.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt didn\u2019t used to be anything; it\u2019s a new build, so they\u2019re bang wrong,\u201d he snaps. Meaning it never was an oasthouse? \u201cThat\u2019s absolutely correct. In fact, if I come to sell it, I legally have to list it as an oast-style house. It only dates back to 2018. I read somewhere you can age brickwork by power hosing it with black coffee but it just made the house smell like a bank manager\u2019s mouth so I had it cleaned off. Either way, it doesn\u2019t look like a game larder and it\u2019s never been a game larder.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Partridge suddenly jumps up. \u201cBugger me, I have to collect Lynn from her physio.\u201d Ah, yes. Partridge\u2019s dedicated assistant Lynn, who has worked for him since the 90s. \u201cShe\u2019s just started a 12-month driving ban, so I\u2019m having to ferry her around and subtract the petrol money from her wages. She fell asleep at the wheel after an Irish coffee and crashed into a stationary St John ambulance \u2013 people you\u2019d expect to be able to cope in the event of a low-speed collision \u2013 but their training went out of the window and they went to pieces. It was only when a second St John ambulance arrived that they were able to restore some semblance of order. The judge made an example of her, which I think she was quietly flattered by.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Just one more question, I ask, as Partridge shows me the door. What\u2019s the difference between an oasthouse and a game larder anyway? \u201cYou dry hops in an oasthouse. You mature dead animals in a game larder. Very different vibes. You might show a Tinder date around an oasthouse and kiss her up against the hops. Would you do that next to the corpse of a baby deer or a bunch of garrotted rabbits? I don\u2019t know, maybe you would.\u201d<\/p>\n<hr \/><center>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<h2><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/web.archive.org\/web\/20210228222641im_\/https:\/\/www.gloucestershirelive.co.uk\/incoming\/article2580562.ece\/ALTERNATES\/s510b\/0_This-Time-with-Alan-Partridge.jpg\" \/><br \/><strong>An Alan Partridge Q&amp;A<br \/>Gloucester Live<\/strong><\/h2>\n<p><em>Alan Partridge is returning to the BBC to fill in for regular presenter John Baskell as Jennie Gresham\u2019s co-host on the popular magazine show This Time. Alan took a few minutes out of his busy schedule to tell us what we can expect\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<\/center>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><strong>Alan Partridge, it\u2019s been 25 years since your last BBC presenting job.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>It has. But very soon I\u2019ll be parking ma backside on the This Time sofa, just inches from regular host Jennie Gresham, a broadcaster I genuinely admire. If it\u2019s not verboten to say this in the current climate, she\u2019s the thinking man\u2019s thinking woman and provides not just eye candy, but ear candy and even brain candy too at times. She\u2019s that good.<\/p>\n<p><strong>How did your return to live TV come about?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Well, as you may have read, regular presenter John Baskell has become rendered unwell \u2013 it\u2019s not my place to divulge the nature of his illness but I believe it\u2019s to do with his heart, brought on by good living and his almost heroic refusal to ever exercise. So with a few days\u2019 notice, I got the call. And although my schedule is as clogged as John\u2019s arteries (get well, John) I consider it my public duty to stand in for as long as John is away. Anyway, it won\u2019t be for long. If John can fight this with a fraction of the vigour he uses to fight for presenting work he knows has already been promised to other people, he\u2019ll be on his feet again in no time.<\/p>\n<p><strong>You\u2019re used to helming your own shows. Have you co-presented before?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ve presented daytime radio alongside a man called Simon Denton for several years. But that\u2019s not co-presenting. In relation to me, Simon\u2019s position contractually is one of total subordination. He\u2019s a sidekick \u2013 at best. And he knows that.<\/p>\n<p>So no, co-presenting is not a dynamic I\u2019m used to, but I\u2019ve been working on a few things. So when Jennie\u2019s reading the autocue I might turn my head to face her to simulate listening, or frown solemnly if she mentions \u2018cancer\u2019, or wait until it\u2019s my turn to speak and then prefix it with \u2018That\u2019s right, Jennie.\u2019 Loads of things you can do.<\/p>\n<p><strong>How do you and Jennie get along?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Gotta say, we\u2019ve only just met but already we have a chemistry that sizzles like liver in a hot pan and crackles like a genuine house fire. We joke about it ourselves! I said to her, \u201cJennie, in the words of Grease, we go together like rama lama lama ka dinga da dinga dong.\u201d And did she laugh! (Yes.)<\/p>\n<p><strong>What can you tell us about the show? Are you a fan of This Time?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>If I\u2019m honest, I\u2019m not super-clued-up on the show itself? I\u2019m not an avid watcher of BBC One, since I don\u2019t like documentaries about supermarkets or period dramas featuring bonnets. But I\u2019ve circled a bit on a This Time press release here that describes it as a \u201830-minute mixture of studio chat, rigorous interview, hard-hitting VTs and a generous helping of fun, covering news, issues and consumer affairs\u2019. Whereas I\u2019m more of a Nazi Megastructures man.<\/p>\n<p><strong>It\u2019s a little more serious-minded than the rest of your output.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m cool with that. I pull no punches, push the envelope and punch my weight when push comes to shove \u2013 if that makes sense.<\/p>\n<p><strong>How would you sum it up?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Ha! Believe me, I don\u2019t have the time to sit around thinking up marketing taglines for the show. Wish I did! But I suppose if pushed I\u2019d say something like: if you\u2019ve got time to give This Time your time, then it\u2019s time to let This Time spend time making your time a good time on This Time with me, Alan Partridge and I\u2019m sorry I\u2019ve forgotten the woman\u2019s name,<\/p>\n<p><strong>Jennie Gresham.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Thank you.<\/p>\n<p><strong>What changes can we expect with you in the hot seat?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>And it is a hot seat. There\u2019s an exposed bit of metal frame that cooks under the studio lights and if you sit right back and your shirt rides up, it scalds you on the back. So you just have to sit forward and\/or make your shirt stays tucked in.<\/p>\n<p><strong>And what changes can we expect?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Fear not, I\u2019m not going to eff with a winning formula. But I do have a phalanx of fresh ideas that\u2019ll benefit the show no end, including the introduction of my longtime radio sidekick Simon Denton. Adept at reading out tweets and providing a sideways look at news, he\u2019ll be our social media reader-outer.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Anything to add?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Not really, just please please please please please please please watch the show.<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<center><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/web.archive.org\/web\/20210228222641im_\/https:\/\/www.comedy.co.uk\/images\/library\/comedies\/900x450\/t\/this_time_with_alan_partridge_alan.jpg\" \/>\n<h1>GQ Magazine<\/h1>\n<h2>By Alan Partridge<\/h2>\n<p>25 February 2019<\/p>\n<\/center>\n<p>Twenty-five years. A life sentence. A man freed after 25 years in jail would see the world through quite flabbergasted eyes. What would he make of, say, contactless bank cards or Tinder or Paddy McGuinness? Yes, his would be a fascinating perspective (the convict\u2019s, not Paddy\u2019s).<\/p>\n<p>Since I\u2019ve been asked to fill in on BBC magazine show This Time, 25 years after my last BBC presenting gig, it occurred to me I\u2019ve served my own life sentence. Perhaps not the kind demanded by the family of the man I shot dead on air, but a life sentence nonetheless. And like the newly freed convict I mentioned in paragraph one, my time away leaves me well placed to consider how the world (of TV) has changed and turn it into this thinkpiece for GQ.<\/p>\n<p>In it, I will look at the rise of multichannel, HD technology and diversity \u2013 the key drivers of what Alan Shearer calls \u201cthe medium\u2019s discernible paradigm shift\u201d. I will touch on the BBC\u2019s funding model, the rise of streaming and the insistence of quirky regional accents for on-screen \u201ctalent\u201d.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ll come to all of these shortly, but first a brief word on refreshments. Because the most obvious difference between then and now is the sandwich selection at lunch!<\/p>\n<p>In the Nineties, we came live from Television Centre in Shepherd\u2019s Bush, but with that building now turned into ace apartments owned by people who don\u2019t live there, the BBC has upped sticks to New Broadcasting House, Central London. Back at TVC, lunch was limited to something-with-chips in the BBC club or a panini from the ground floor cafe. Beyond that, well you were stranded in the no-man\u2019s-land of West London. What could you do? Venture into Shepherd\u2019s Bush, with its chicken shops and outdoor market? Risk a fry-up from a cafe with chairs screwed to the floor?<\/p>\n<p>No. Lunch back then was a miserable affair. Little wonder BBC presenters made do with a liquid diet, rendering them tipsy enough in the afternoons to commit the industrial-scale sexual harassment for which the Corporation is now famous.<\/p>\n<p>Since the Beeb\u2019s relocation, though, we\u2019re bang smack in the heart of London\u2019s lunching district, with a cornucopia of choice for even the most discerning sandwich fancier. Not keen on grabbing a bite in the BBC\u2019s subsidised cafe? Fine. I invite you to walk down Regent\u2019s Street and marvel at the choice of branded sandwich outlets.<\/p>\n<p>Look to your right and you\u2019re greeted straight away by the mustard-yellow sign of an Eat. These guys don\u2019t muck about and it\u2019s little wonder they punctuate the name with a full stop \u2013 a reminder, to me at least, (when you\u2019re) full, stop. Now, Eat always sells a good sarnie. The team there opt for a thick-cut granary, a superb all-rounder and the perfect loaf for a really, really satisfying sandwich. If you\u2019ve no meetings that afternoon and aren\u2019t worried about your breath, try the tuna and cucumber, the vinegary flakes of tuna meat set off by chunks of cool, refreshing vegetable. Are its sandwiches perfect? No. The BLT comes with bacon so floppy and undercooked the rind is translucent and resembles silicone jelly. It\u2019s, to my eyes, absolutely disgusting. But that\u2019s a mere blip on an otherwise faultless sarnie setup.<\/p>\n<p>Don\u2019t fancy Eat? No problem! Cross the road and you\u2019re welcomed by the sight of a Pret A Manger (\u201cReady To Munch\u201d). When it comes to butties, Pret and Eat are two peas from the same pod \u2013 a notch up price-wise from your budget offerings \u2013 and hard to separate. Perhaps Pret is a smidge more generous with the mayo spoon, perhaps its bacon is given a touch longer in the pan, leaving it less flaccid and see-through than that of its near neighbour. But Pret and Eat are great options and I have no hesitation in recommending them.<\/p>\n<p>Want more? You got it. A few yards south, you\u2019ll find Starbucks, the tax-canny US coffee chain whose sandwich range, while limited, is well worth checking out if Eat or Pret ain\u2019t yo thang.<\/p>\n<p>Those who like their sandwiches hot and round might like to try a \u201cburger\u201d from quick-food giants McDonald\u2019s \u2013 and while connoisseurs will quibble at my classifying a burger as a sandwich, I stand by it. It\u2019s meat wedged between bread; and, I\u2019m sorry, that is a sandwich. Try the chicken sandwich (I shan\u2019t add the Mc) for creamy white, piping hot breast meat in a zingy, flour-based coating. Finger lickin\u2019 good.<\/p>\n<p>Back across the road, for those with more money than sense, you can pick up a sandwich from an array of shops that together sound like the members of a bad boyband: Leon, Paul, Joe (&amp; The Juice). The latter in particular isn\u2019t my bag. Staffed by preening take-your-timers, it\u2019s a coffee and smoothie shop for those whose answer to the question \u201cWhen would you like your drink?\u201d is \u201cIn about ten minutes.\u201d But if pushed, you can buy sandwiches from any of them and that\u2019s something to be celebrated.<\/p>\n<p>Think the list ends there? Think again. Toddle into Topshop, take the escalator down past the bras and sandals and what\u2019s this? Another Eat, less than 300 yards from the last one, a quirk of branch strategy for which someone at head office must have been torn a new one. It\u2019s not quite as roomy as the flagship restaurant I mentioned earlier and, being an in-store concession, your sandwich is going to be accompanied by the taste of perfume, but it\u2019s a great option for those in a rush who have ducked into Topshop to use the toilet or hide from an associate.<\/p>\n<p>So that\u2019s sandwiches dealt with. But what of the myriad other changes in the world of television?<\/p>\n<p>Oh, and there\u2019s Boots as well. Lots of people overlook Boots when it comes to sandwiches, but don\u2019t overlook Boots. Although pre-packed on a worryingly vague earlier date, these tasty, well made bread snacks are lightyears better than they were in the past, when their sandwich offering was blighted by a practice known as \u201ccentral packing| \u2013 an all-too-common ruse that sees the filling bunched into the centre of the sandwich. When sliced through the middle and presented in cross-section, it gave the illusion of a plump, generously filled sandwich. It\u2019s only after buying one that you find the filling tapers at the edges down to a barren tundra of unoccupied bread. Whether it was due to my letters or some other reason, Boots are no longer guilty of this and are now a byword for quite excellent pre-packed sandwiches.<\/p>\n<p>So you see, today\u2019s BBC telly makers enjoy a breadth of sandwich choice that their Nineties counterparts could only have dreamt of.<\/p>\n<p>I had hoped to discuss other changes in television but I\u2019ve hit my word count now. Thank you.<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<div class=\"tc-view__TcView-nuazoi-0 responsive__HeaderContainer-sc-15gvuj2-2 hUvwaq\">\n<div class=\"tc-view__TcView-nuazoi-0 fPjBcr\">\n<div class=\"tc-view__TcView-nuazoi-0 responsive__HeaderContainer-sc-3t8ix5-2 gHvkzX\">\n<h1 class=\"responsive__HeadlineContainer-sc-3t8ix5-3 gqRfQt\" style=\"text-align: center;\" role=\"heading\" aria-level=\"1\">Alan Partridge: an underrated style icon<\/h1>\n<h5 class=\"responsive__StandfirstContainer-sc-3t8ix5-8 btCHCe\" style=\"text-align: center;\" role=\"heading\" aria-level=\"2\">Poloneck jumpers, string-back driving gloves, personalised blazer badges \u2014 who knew East Anglia\u2019s premier broadcaster was so fashion-forward? As Partridge returns to our screens with a new current-affairs show, Men\u2019s Health editor Toby Wiseman salutes a menswear innovator<\/h5>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"responsive__LeadAsset-sc-3t8ix5-9 hHwjtQ tc-view__TcView-nuazoi-0 fPjBcr\">\n<figure>\n<div class=\"tc-view__TcView-nuazoi-0 fPjBcr\">\n<div class=\"tc-view__TcView-nuazoi-0 fPjBcr\">\n<div class=\"lcpItem\"><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/www.thetimes.com\/imageserver\/image\/%2Fmethode%2Fsundaytimes%2Fprod%2Fweb%2Fbin%2F99da1680-2b9d-11e9-b5aa-1a29fbecb794.jpg?crop=2667%2C1500%2C0%2C0&amp;resize=360\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.thetimes.com\/imageserver\/image\/%2Fmethode%2Fsundaytimes%2Fprod%2Fweb%2Fbin%2F99da1680-2b9d-11e9-b5aa-1a29fbecb794.jpg?crop=2667%2C1500%2C0%2C0&amp;resize=360 360w,https:\/\/www.thetimes.com\/imageserver\/image\/%2Fmethode%2Fsundaytimes%2Fprod%2Fweb%2Fbin%2F99da1680-2b9d-11e9-b5aa-1a29fbecb794.jpg?crop=2667%2C1500%2C0%2C0&amp;resize=520 520w,https:\/\/www.thetimes.com\/imageserver\/image\/%2Fmethode%2Fsundaytimes%2Fprod%2Fweb%2Fbin%2F99da1680-2b9d-11e9-b5aa-1a29fbecb794.jpg?crop=2667%2C1500%2C0%2C0&amp;resize=680 680w,https:\/\/www.thetimes.com\/imageserver\/image\/%2Fmethode%2Fsundaytimes%2Fprod%2Fweb%2Fbin%2F99da1680-2b9d-11e9-b5aa-1a29fbecb794.jpg?crop=2667%2C1500%2C0%2C0&amp;resize=860 860w,https:\/\/www.thetimes.com\/imageserver\/image\/%2Fmethode%2Fsundaytimes%2Fprod%2Fweb%2Fbin%2F99da1680-2b9d-11e9-b5aa-1a29fbecb794.jpg?crop=2667%2C1500%2C0%2C0&amp;resize=1200 1200w,https:\/\/www.thetimes.com\/imageserver\/image\/%2Fmethode%2Fsundaytimes%2Fprod%2Fweb%2Fbin%2F99da1680-2b9d-11e9-b5aa-1a29fbecb794.jpg?crop=2667%2C1500%2C0%2C0&amp;resize=1500 1500w\" \/><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<figcaption>\n<div class=\"tc-view__TcView-nuazoi-0 fPjBcr\">\n<div class=\"tc-view__TcView-nuazoi-0 fPjBcr\">\n<div class=\"tc-text__TcText-sc-15igzev-0 kwFxdN\">REX, GETTY<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/figcaption>\n<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"keylines__KeylineItem-sc-1s03wwf-0 keylines__ArticleKeylineItem-sc-1s03wwf-1 ktHoqV\">\n<div class=\"tc-view__TcView-nuazoi-0 responsive__MetaContainer-sc-3t8ix5-6 fRXvef\">\n<div class=\"tc-view__TcView-nuazoi-0 responsive__Meta-sc-3t8ix5-5 dKxzdP\">\n<div class=\"tc-text__TcText-sc-15igzev-0 render-byline__InlineText-sc-8i7rg2-0 VMNeC\">Toby Wiseman<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"tc-view__TcView-nuazoi-0 responsive__Separator-sc-3t8ix5-7 caeNQH\">\u00a0<\/div>\n<div class=\"tc-view__TcView-nuazoi-0 responsive__Meta-sc-3t8ix5-5 dKxzdP\">\n<div class=\"tc-text__TcText-sc-15igzev-0 responsive__DatePublicationContainer-sc-3t8ix5-0 gKkYAl\"><time datetime=\"2019-02-17T00:01:00.000Z\">Sunday February 17 2019, 12.01am, <\/time><span class=\"date-publication__PublicationName-sc-1vdpzkx-0 brXzzz\">The Sunday Times<\/span><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<article class=\"responsive__BodyContainer-sc-15gvuj2-3 iRvTiE\">\n<div class=\"responsive__ArticleWrapper-sc-15gvuj2-7 fPnGaB\">\n<div class=\"responsive__ArticleContent-sc-15gvuj2-8 kuowVf\">\n<p class=\"responsive__Paragraph-sc-1pktst5-0 gaEeqC\"><b>The blazers<\/b><\/p>\n<p class=\"responsive__Paragraph-sc-1pktst5-0 gaEeqC\">\u201cI am not Giorgio Armani,\u201d Alan Partridge told the audience of his talk show, Knowing Me Knowing You, in 1994, \u201cbut my name has become associated with a certain look, a look I define as \u2018sports casual\u2019.\u201d Integral to this look, honed on the Norfolk Broads, is Partridge\u2019s dizzying array of blazers. \u201cIt\u2019s the classic English gentleman abroad. It\u2019s David Niven, Stewart Granger, Nigel Havers. It\u2019s a green blazer,\u201d he once said. Was Partridge\u2019s penchant for double-breasted blazers, frequently oversized, in bold colour blocks, a nod to superannuated broadcasters in the Alan Whicker mould? Almost certainly. But there has always been a liberated, more forward-thinking feel to the king of chat\u2019s style. For a start, he commissioned his own personalised blazer badge, embroidered\u00a0with the Latin motto\u00a0<i>Cognoscens Me, Aha, Cognoscens Te<\/i>. In fact, it could be said that he presaged the patches and club insignias seen throughout this season\u2019s Kent &amp; Curwen collection. Either way, the exaggerated DBs in greens, greys and burgundies seen at the SS19 menswear shows in Paris and Milan surely owe something to the early innovations from our hero.<\/p>\n<p class=\"responsive__Paragraph-sc-1pktst5-0 gaEeqC\"><b>The woolly knits<\/b><\/p>\n<p class=\"responsive__Paragraph-sc-1pktst5-0 gaEeqC\">Long before ironic Christmas jumpers became a thing, Partridge was doing turbocharged knitwear entirely without irony. After all, his biggest style influence, he told Clive Anderson in an interview in 1997, was the Welsh golfer Ian Woosnam. While those famous blazers spoke of convivial regatta drinks or a provincial Conservative club tea party, his patterned lamb\u2019s wool golf sweaters and thick shawl-neck cardigans projected a gentler, altogether more cuddly side to the presenter \u2014 an image that unfortunately belied his tendency towards on-air bellicosity. Indeed, it was while wearing a fetching cream and maroon V-neck pullover, adorned with Aztec geometric detailing, that Partridge fired Glen Ponder, the house-band leader on Knowing Me Knowing You, at the end of a show. Ponder\u2019s crime? Having the temerity to mock the star\u2019s dress sense.<\/p>\n<p class=\"responsive__Paragraph-sc-1pktst5-0 gaEeqC\">Notoriously, grandad knitwear was the link to a darker side of his psyche, as evidenced by the nightmare that recurs throughout the I\u2019m Alan Partridge series: in it, he lap-dances for the BBC programming director, Tony Hayers, while wearing a patchwork jumper, a vulcanised rubber posing pouch and platform pumps. Paradoxically, it was a look that could conceivably have been fashioned by the avant-garde designer Yvonne Boyd, a KMKY guest (and Vivienne Westwood lookalike), whom Partridge offended by suggesting she had come onto his show dressed as Widow Twankey. \u201cI didn\u2019t know that, as well as doing fashion, you also do pantomime?\u201d<\/p>\n<p class=\"responsive__Paragraph-sc-1pktst5-0 gaEeqC\"><b>The short shorts<\/b><\/p>\n<p class=\"responsive__Paragraph-sc-1pktst5-0 gaEeqC\">Never afraid to reinforce the \u201csports\u201d in his signature sports-casual style, Partridge has become famous for his willingness to show some leg over the years (see above, re vulcanised rubber). Shorts have always been integral to his look. For a special fashion dispatch for KMKY, our Alan-of-all-trades paid a visit to the Champs-\u00c9lys\u00e9es in Paris. Among the outfits modelled was one he dubbed \u201cstrolling pastel\u201d \u2014 \u201ca classic summer suit with the omission of long trousers\u201d \u2014 along with the voluminous green bermudas of another look he called \u201c<i>l\u2019homme du sport<\/i>\u201d.<\/p>\n<p class=\"responsive__Paragraph-sc-1pktst5-0 gaEeqC\">It was this early predilection for a more revealing style that marked him out as a stylist before his time. There can be little doubt that it was with one eye on Partridge\u2019s shiny blue bum-skimming runners \u2014 most memorably showcased during a bedroom workout scene at the Linton Travel Tavern in I\u2019m Alan Partridge \u2014 that Miuccia Prada decided to make ultra-short neoprene shorts the main event in her cheeky SS19 collection.<\/p>\n<p class=\"responsive__Paragraph-sc-1pktst5-0 gaEeqC\"><b>The accessories<\/b><\/p>\n<p class=\"responsive__Paragraph-sc-1pktst5-0 gaEeqC\">Few style icons understand the importance of accoutrements in completing a look quite like the East Anglian artiste. From the flat cap, walking stick and binoculars of his 1995 nature documentary Alan Partridge\u2019s Country Ramble to the captain\u2019s hat and silk cravat worn while shooting a corporate video to promote Hamilton\u2019s Water Breaks in I\u2019m Alan Partridge, his approach to style has always been accompanied by an obsessive attention to detail. The key to his success in pulling off this range of fashionable guises without veering into fancy dress is his commitment to authenticity and utility. Take, for instance, the \u201ccruiser arriviste\u201d look from A Partridge in Paris. His specific insistence that driving gloves come with string backs is justified because they \u201cgive you a bit of extra purchase\u201d.<\/p>\n<div id=\"82bca89f-9486-43d5-d458-e54d4c90020a\">\n<div class=\"styles__Container-e5otdw-0 kLqLMN\">\n<div class=\"styles__ImageContainer-e5otdw-1 gNUslO\">\n<div class=\"styles__AspectRatioContainer-sc-1lxnrk8-0 bFikzs\"><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/nuk-tnl-deck-prod-static.s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com\/uploads\/68983d27ff8109d000720b6249df14c0.jpg\" \/><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"styles__ContentContainer-e5otdw-2 jWlSQG\">\n<div>\n<div class=\"styles__Label-e5otdw-3 edjWsW\">Interactive<\/div>\n<h4 class=\"styles__Headline-e5otdw-4 bGMUto\">Partridge or Piers: who said what?<\/h4>\n<div class=\"styles__Copy-e5otdw-5 kuTfDQ\">One is an outlandish TV personality who regularly ruffles feathers. The other is Alan Partridge. Can you tell the difference between Good Morning host Piers Morgan and Steve Coogan\u2019s comedic creation?<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"styles__LinkText-spl816-1 hJeiBA\">Play the quiz<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<p class=\"responsive__Paragraph-sc-1pktst5-0 gaEeqC\">Meanwhile, when he posed for the paperback cover of his 2011 autobiography, I, Partridge, dressed as some kind of neocolonial hunter, it was only the sensible inclusion of a gold compass, camouflage utility belt and white wraparound sunglasses that prevented him from looking utterly preposterous.<\/p>\n<p class=\"responsive__Paragraph-sc-1pktst5-0 gaEeqC\"><b>The leisurewear<\/b><\/p>\n<p class=\"responsive__Paragraph-sc-1pktst5-0 gaEeqC\">\u201cWho\u2019s this cool customer? Ice white shoes, ice white socks with navy blue double cadet stripe, a pair of shorts, T-shirt with chevron action flash\u2026\u201d No, this isn\u2019t Demna Gvasalia\u2019s latest dadcore look, but Alan Partridge\u2019s go-to leisure ensemble. Indeed, if anyone in fashion today is in the broadcasting legend\u2019s debt, it is the creative director of Balenciaga, renowned for putting \u201cweekend trip to Homebase\u201d style on the catwalk. But, in truth, Partridge\u2019s influence in this arena is pervasive. Viewers of 1995\u2019s Christmas special, Knowing Me Knowing Yule, will recall his punishing exercise routines around the cloisters of Norwich Cathedral decked out in ugly plimsolls, high socks and shell-suit jackets. Now, from Prada to Lanvin, Craig Green to Louis Vuitton, this fixation for nylon and polyester is finally being appreciated.<\/p>\n<p class=\"responsive__Paragraph-sc-1pktst5-0 gaEeqC\"><a class=\"link__RespLink-sc-1ocvixa-0 csWvlP\" href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/tobywisemanuk\/?hl=en\"><i>@tobywisemanuk<\/i><\/a><\/p>\n<div id=\"2.15\">\n<div id=\"98da9992-6703-4065-890d-67a2fc6e7ac8\">\n<div class=\"tc-view__TcView-nuazoi-0 responsive__PrimaryImg-sc-4v1r4q-3 hpWIYt\">\n<div class=\"tc-view__TcView-nuazoi-0 fPjBcr\">\n<div class=\"tc-view__TcView-nuazoi-0 fPjBcr\">\n<div><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"responsive-sc-1nnon4d-0 bAbKns\" src=\"https:\/\/www.thetimes.com\/imageserver\/image\/%2Fmethode%2Fsundaytimes%2Fprod%2Fweb%2Fbin%2F1a55c706-2acb-11e9-af5a-20917663f412.jpg?crop=2250%2C1500%2C0%2C0&amp;resize=1771.5\" alt=\"This Time with Alan Partridge starts on BBC1 later this month\" \/><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"tc-view__TcView-nuazoi-0 fPjBcr\">\n<div class=\"tc-view__TcView-nuazoi-0 responsive__InsetCaptionStyle-sc-1io40fc-2 fkMBIX\">\n<div class=\"tc-view__TcView-nuazoi-0 fPjBcr\">\n<div class=\"tc-view__TcView-nuazoi-0 fPjBcr\">\n<div class=\"tc-text__TcText-sc-15igzev-0 kwFxdN\">This Time with Alan Partridge starts on BBC1 later this month<\/div>\n<div class=\"tc-text__TcText-sc-15igzev-0 kwFxdN\">ANDY SEYMOUR\/BBC PICTURES<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<p class=\"responsive__Paragraph-sc-1pktst5-0 gaEeqC\"><b>I, Partridge<\/b><\/p>\n<div id=\"2.18\">\n<div id=\"26ff93ee-4c3a-49ac-ba4b-0ea48c472913\">\n<div class=\"tc-view__TcView-nuazoi-0 responsive__PrimaryImg-sc-4v1r4q-3 hpWIYt\">\n<div class=\"tc-view__TcView-nuazoi-0 fPjBcr\">\n<div class=\"tc-view__TcView-nuazoi-0 fPjBcr\">\n<div><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"responsive-sc-1nnon4d-0 bAbKns\" src=\"https:\/\/www.thetimes.com\/imageserver\/image\/%2Fmethode%2Fsundaytimes%2Fprod%2Fweb%2Fbin%2F8b89ce4c-2ba0-11e9-b5aa-1a29fbecb794.jpg?crop=2250%2C1500%2C0%2C0&amp;resize=1771.5\" \/><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/article>\n<hr \/><center>\n<h1 class=\"content-hed standard-hed\">Alan Partridge: What I\u2019ve Learned<\/h1>\n<p>Norfolk\u2019s finest shares his life lessons<br \/><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/web.archive.org\/web\/20210228222641im_\/https:\/\/hips.hearstapps.com\/esquireuk.cdnds.net\/15\/37\/2048x1024\/2048x1024-alan-partridge-what-ive-learned-43-jpg-e3a0a5bf.jpg\" width=\"600\" \/><\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<\/center>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<div class=\"content-info-social-buttons primary-social-buttons standard-social-buttons\"><strong data-redactor-tag=\"strong\" data-verified=\"redactor\">Broadcasting is like sex.\u00a0<\/strong>You need balls, imagination, sensitivity and, ideally, a towel.<\/div>\n<div class=\"article-body-content standard-body-content\">\n<p class=\"body-text\"><strong data-redactor-tag=\"strong\" data-verified=\"redactor\">You have to have a thick skin in this business.<\/strong>\u00a0Dale Winton\u2019s sunbed addiction means he\u2019s developed a teak-tough brown hide. Mine\u2019s not quite as thick. The eczema on my tummy and arms has seen to that.<\/p>\n<p class=\"body-text\"><strong data-redactor-tag=\"strong\" data-verified=\"redactor\">To get the measure of a man, I try to establish three facts:\u00a0<\/strong>what they drive; where their holiday home is; how much cash they have on them at any one time. Me? Kia, Cowes, \u00a3300. Erm\u2026 Four 50s, four 20s, a 10, a five and five pound coins. For the parking meter.<\/p>\n<p class=\"body-text\"><strong data-redactor-tag=\"strong\" data-verified=\"redactor\">When it comes to charities, my particular favourites are ones to do with Africa.<\/strong>\u00a0I\u2019ve done more charity raffles for Africans than they\u2019ve had hot dinners.<\/p>\n<p class=\"body-text\"><strong data-redactor-tag=\"strong\" data-verified=\"redactor\">My greatest fear?\u00a0<\/strong>Being at a charity event and everyone in a room suddenly having white eyes and robotic voices. I turn and run but they fire lasers at me from their hands and mouths. Somehow, I dodge the beams and find cover behind a cabinet, but I know I don\u2019t have long. With the demonic zombies stumbling towards me, I make my move, sprinting towards the wall and diving headlong into an air duct. Hours later, I have escaped and alerted the Army. But when we return to the charity event, it is a wasteland. Nothing has been spared and as I turn to leave, I glimpse a sickening sight. Amid the ashes is a tiny hand still clutching a teddy bear. A horrible thought and I only hope none of it ever comes to pass.<\/p>\n<p class=\"body-text\"><strong data-redactor-tag=\"strong\" data-verified=\"redactor\">I used to sleep in Egyptian cotton until the Arab Spring.\u00a0<\/strong>Now, I open out a sleeping bag and use it as a duvet.<\/p>\n<p class=\"body-text\"><strong data-redactor-tag=\"strong\" data-verified=\"redactor\">People assume I\u2019m constantly surrounded by celebrity friends, but it\u2019s not like that.<\/strong>\u00a0I used to Skype chat with Eamonn Holmes every Sunday morning but he started to do it from the bath and I didn\u2019t like that. It wasn\u2019t his flesh \u2013 the bubble bath covered that \u2013 it was the fact he\u2019d be eating sliders while he chatted to me (they\u2019re basically small burgers). With the suds on his face, he was like Santa playing Pac-Man.<\/p>\n<p class=\"body-text\"><strong data-redactor-tag=\"strong\" data-verified=\"redactor\">It absolutely staggers me that people keep their eggs in a fridge.<\/strong>\u00a0Eggshells will maintain integrity at room temperature for at least 21 days but at low temperatures the outer mucoprotein cuticle dries and shrinks, exposing the pores in the calcium carbonate shell. This increases the probability of bacterial contamination by about five per cent. But keep your eggs where you want. It\u2019s your funeral.<\/p>\n<p class=\"body-text\"><strong data-redactor-tag=\"strong\" data-verified=\"redactor\">I\u2019m a Marmite DJ.\u00a0<\/strong>Some people love me, others like me. But all respect me.<\/p>\n<p class=\"body-text\"><strong data-redactor-tag=\"strong\" data-verified=\"redactor\">I am in great shape.<\/strong>\u00a0I start a different diet every Monday and have taken the batteries out of my TV remote so that I have to physically approach the television every time I want to change channel. It\u2019s annoying but punishes my abs, quads and arse muscles. Can\u2019t remember what arse muscles are called.<\/p>\n<p class=\"body-text\"><strong data-redactor-tag=\"strong\" data-verified=\"redactor\">Wisdom can be found in many forms.<\/strong>\u00a0It could be a shaman in a cave. Or a witch doctor in a cave. But it can also be found in the guise of a not-unbusty 65-year-old woman called Lynn Benfield, my assistant. Unkind people say she\u2019s frumpy, dumpy and grumpy, which sounds like three dwarves. Then again, from a distance she does resemble three midgets huddled in her dead mum\u2019s coat.<\/p>\n<p class=\"body-text\"><strong data-redactor-tag=\"strong\" data-verified=\"redactor\">Wagamama is tasty but I shan\u2019t be going again.<\/strong>\u00a0Order a noodle soup and you\u2019re presented with chopsticks and a spoon \u2013 and a tactical conundrum. It\u2019s down to you to regulate your consumption of solids and broth. Too much of the former and you\u2019re left with a puddle of empty soup; too much of the latter and it\u2019s a cold nest of noodles.<\/p>\n<p class=\"body-text\"><strong data-redactor-tag=\"strong\" data-verified=\"redactor\">It took so much concentration, I\u2019m ashamed to say I neglected to chat with my guest, Glen.<\/strong>\u00a0In the end, I thought sod this and went and bought a Whopper.<\/p>\n<p class=\"body-text\"><strong data-redactor-tag=\"strong\" data-verified=\"redactor\">My best-ever holiday was an all-inclusive fortnight in Orlando.<\/strong>\u00a0They wanted \u00a31,200 for it but I got them down to \u00a3950 and when I got there my room was soiled so I was upgraded to a deluxe which should have cost \u00a31,500 all-in. That\u2019s a pretty tidy saving of \u00a3550. You should have seen their faces. And that\u2019s why the fortnight in Orlando was my best-ever holiday.<\/p>\n<p class=\"body-text\"><strong data-redactor-tag=\"strong\" data-verified=\"redactor\">My autobiography broke the mould.<\/strong>\u00a0It came with its own suggested soundtrack. I spent three days with my iPod creating a list of songs that would provide the perfect mood music to accompany my life. My publishers said this wasn\u2019t necessary. In fact, they specifically told me not to bother, as they weren\u2019t willing to pay for the production or dispatch of a CD and certainly weren\u2019t going to seek clearance from, or pay royalties to, the artists I\u2019d chosen. I did it anyway.<\/p>\n<p class=\"body-text\"><strong data-redactor-tag=\"strong\" data-verified=\"redactor\">In 1967, I misdiagnosed myself with cancer of the ball bag.<\/strong>\u00a0Turned out it was just an infected paper cut on my scrotum. Next question.<\/p>\n<p class=\"body-text\"><strong data-redactor-tag=\"strong\" data-verified=\"redactor\">What\u2019s the one thing I\u2019d save if my house was on fire?<\/strong>\u00a0Contents insurance documentation. Those people will screw you given half a chance. If it\u2019s all the same to you, I\u2019ll keep a copy of the policy for my records, thanks.<\/p>\n<p class=\"body-text\"><strong data-redactor-tag=\"strong\" data-verified=\"redactor\">A-ha.<\/strong>\u00a0It\u2019s both my catchphrase and the name of a Swedish, or Norwegian, pop group. I met them once in the bar of the Hilton Gatwick, and we laughed about who owned the copyright! Now, whenever the band release a new LP, Morten [Harket] sends me a copy, along with a photo of himself in a Pringle jumper giving a double thumbs-up. Just realised he might be mocking me.<\/p>\n<p class=\"body-text\"><strong data-redactor-tag=\"strong\" data-verified=\"redactor\">I am \u2013 and always have been \u2013 an only child.<\/strong>\u00a0But I would have loved a little brother to play football with or bully. I\u2019d rush downstairs every Christmas morning and rip open my presents, hoping against hope that one of the boxes contained a human baby. It rarely did. In fact, it never did.<\/p>\n<p class=\"body-text\"><strong data-redactor-tag=\"strong\" data-verified=\"redactor\">I cry all the time.<\/strong>\u00a0These days, there\u2019s so much to get upset about: an earthquake in China, a school shooting, divisions over Europe in the Conservative Party. Onions always get me, too. Which is a shame because I have a diet that is incredibly rich in onions. I once broke into tears when chopping a pepper, which I thought was odd until I noticed I\u2019d actually cut the tip of my thumb off.<\/p>\n<p class=\"body-text\"><strong data-redactor-tag=\"strong\" data-verified=\"redactor\">I had my issues with the BBC.<\/strong>\u00a0Especially the commissioning editor Tony Hayers. For a man who worked five days a week in the BBC, Hayers was incredibly hard to get hold of. If he wasn\u2019t at the chiropodist or at his daughter\u2019s graduation, he was on holiday in the Gambia or in a broken lift. I mean he was never ever at his desk. People say Idi Amin was a monster. And to be fair, he was. A real bad lad. Can I go now?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<hr \/><center>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<h1 class=\"a-header__title\">Alan Partridge: An exclusive interview<\/h1>\n<p class=\"bb-p\">Norfolk\u2019s favourite broadcaster talks to GQ about Sylvester Stallone, Ben Fogle and how to \u201crinse\u201d a charity sale<\/p>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"a-body stick-group\" src=\"https:\/\/web.archive.org\/web\/20210228222641im_\/https:\/\/gq-images.condecdn.net\/image\/VyOKAGXa5Jp\/crop\/810\/landscape\" \/><\/p>\n<div class=\"a-body__wrapper\">\n<aside class=\"a-author\">\n<div class=\"a-author__image\"><span class=\"a-author__byline-prefix\">BY<\/span>\u00a0<span class=\"a-author__byline-name\"><a href=\"https:\/\/web.archive.org\/web\/20210228222641\/http:\/\/www.gq-magazine.co.uk\/profile\/charlie-burton\">CHARLIE BURTON<\/a><\/span><\/div>\n<div class=\"a-author__bio has-bbcode\">\n<p class=\"bb-p\">Friday 9 December 2016<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/aside>\n<\/div>\n<p><span class=\"bb-dropcap bb-dropcap--letter\">A<\/span>lan Partridge has donned his windbreaker and undertaken a personal odyssey. It\u2019s a walk from Norwich to Dungeness A power station \u2013 a trip that he insists has everything to do self-edification and nothing at all to do with cash flow. Coincidentally, it forms the subject of his new book\u00a0<em class=\"bb-em\">Alan Partridge: Nomad<\/em>. We tracked down the man himself\u2026<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<\/center>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><strong class=\"bb-strong\">GQ: You didn\u2019t succeed in having the walk made into a TV series. Was it tough to secure the publishing deal?<\/strong><\/p>\n<div class=\"a-body__content has-bbcode\">\n<p class=\"bb-p\"><strong class=\"bb-strong\">Do you have rituals that help you to write?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p class=\"bb-p\">I\u2019ll often loosen up by watching a movie, typically Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot. Sylvester Stallone plays a cop and for some reason he ends up being followed around by his elderly mother, who was in The Golden Girls or Cocoon, or both, or neither. She gets in the way and he becomes increasingly irritated, but together they crack a crime and\u00a0it all ends well. It\u2019s staggeringly funny.<\/p>\n<p class=\"bb-p\"><strong class=\"bb-strong\">What was the best anecdote that didn\u2019t end\u00a0up in the book?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p class=\"bb-p\">Bumping into the guy from Grand Designs at a go-karting centre and having a chat. (Boring when written down.)<\/p>\n<p class=\"bb-p\">I head to the weekly Saturday morning bring-and-buy sale at St Luke\u2019s Church Hall in Beccles. It\u2019s a magnet for people who like to buy chipped crockery, knackered board games and the shoes of dead people. I tend to go down there whenever I want to take my mind off the pressures of work. I fill the boot with tat from my local Mencap store, then sell it for twice what I paid for it. I absolutely rinse them. You\u2019re supposed to give ten per cent of all your profits to the church\u2019s Africa appeal, but I prefer to give it to my own favourite charity, The National Trust.<\/p>\n<p class=\"bb-p\"><strong class=\"bb-strong\">Chapter 28 is about your ex-girlfriend. Has she been in touch since the book came out?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p class=\"bb-p\">Steady on. Do I ask you personal questions? Because I could. Where did you get those shoes? Have you ever done a wee in the shower? Do you have eczema? Why do your eyes look sad when you smile? Not nice, is it? Right, ask me another question.<\/p>\n<p class=\"bb-p\"><strong class=\"bb-strong\">What was your fondest memory from the book launch?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p class=\"bb-p\">That\u2019s better. The finger food. Where did you get your shoes, by the way? They\u2019re superb.<\/p>\n<p class=\"bb-p\">I\u2019m still trying to sell Dogs On Fogle to a UK\u00a0broadcaster. Simple idea: Ben Fogle is given a one-mile head start and pursued by hunting dogs. He has the option of wearing a\u00a0heavily padded suit. It will protect him, but it will slow him down. So, you see, it\u2019s very strategic. Ben texted me to say he\u2019s getting cold feet about the idea, but he always does this. I think it\u2019s a bargaining tactic.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"article-body-content standard-body-content\"><hr \/><\/div>\n<h2 class=\"body-text\">Alan Partridge: How I became one of Britain\u2019s best-loved travel writers<\/h2>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<center><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/web.archive.org\/web\/20210228222641im_\/https:\/\/www.bibdsl.co.uk\/imagegallery2\/bds\/201722\/9781409156710_1.JPG\" alt=\"Alan Partridge's travel book 'Nomad' is the &quot;second longest&quot; book he has ever written\" width=\"600\" \/><\/center>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><em>October 26th 2016<\/em><br \/>Last week I attended a training day for volunteer stewards at January\u2019s London Boat Show and as an ice-breaker we were all asked what we did for a living. Usually, I\u2019d say \u2018broadcaster\u2019 or \u2018radio chat-jockey\u2019. But on this occasion, something else flopped out: \u2018Travel writer\u2019.<\/p>\n<p>And as my fellow volunteers split into groups to practise carpark marshalling or saying \u201cPlease don\u2019t touch the boat, sir\u201d, I stood there, luminous bib in hand, suddenly realising that, yes, I (Alan Partridge) was \u2018on the road\u2019 to becoming one of Britain\u2019s best-loved travel writers. In this piece, I shall explain how.<\/p>\n<p>Britain loves a travel writer. One thinks of Bill Bryson and his gentle ribbing of these isles, which although affectionate is a little bit if-you-don\u2019t-like-it-Bill-go-back-to-America for my tastes. Or even Charley (sic) Boorman\u2019s Long Way Round\/Down\/To Tipperary books, which obviously aren\u2019t for everyone but are enjoyed immensely by people who say \u2018modorcycle\u2019 instead of \u2018motorbike\u2019.<\/p>\n<p>But travel was a not a genre people automatically attached my name to. While I had done some travel writing before, it was limited to writing postcards to personal assistants, savaging gastropubs on TripAdvisor or emailing sumptuously descriptive directions to my summer BBQ bash (\u201cTurn left at the shop-cum-post office, its jaundiced signage yellowed by the searing Norfolk sun\u201d). But I\u2019d never actually had a travel book published. So what happened? The answer: fate.<\/p>\n<p>Earlier this year I undertook a deeply personal walk in honour of my father. It was a deeply personal recreation of a journey he had undertaken in the mid-1970s, from our family home in Norwich to the Dungeness Nuclear Power Station some 160 miles away. For him it had been a simple drive to a job interview. For me however, several years after his death, it was a deeply personal attempt to understand why he had been the man and, let\u2019s be honest, git he was.<\/p>\n<p>So I was stunned when, in the weeks that followed and with word of my journey echoing through the publishing community like whispers on the breeze, the book offers came a-rushing and a-gushing to my door.<\/p>\n<p>And it was only then, after a period of quiet reflection during an extremely slow haircut, that it occurred to me that, by sharing my experiences, I might be able to help others who had endured challenging relationships with their own fathers, particularly if those \u2018own fathers\u2019 had tried, and failed, to land a job with British Nuclear Fuels in the mid-1970s.<\/p>\n<p>The more I mulled, the more compelling a literary proposition my journey became. Because this humble rambler had learnt a little about his dad, a lot about himself and whole heap of heck about this land we call Britain.<\/p>\n<p>Walking the nation had allowed me to get under the skin of the country like the mosquito larvae that once burrowed under my friend Daniel\u2019s skin and deposited their pupae in his cheek.<\/p>\n<p>Sure, my chosen route \u2013 Norfolk to Kent \u2013 was no Lands End to John O\u2019Groats but, if you picture the British map as a squatting dog, I\u2019d walked Haunch to Heel which, when put like that, is just as iconic. Indeed, Haunch to Heel with Alan Partridge was later the working title of the book (rejected by publisher).<\/p>\n<p>And so I set to work. Thankfully I didn\u2019t have to try too hard to remember the events of the walk. Purely for my own amusement, I\u2019d scribbled down the odd note in a journal after each day\u2019s yomp.<\/p>\n<p>At the time, I\u2019d thought nothing of these jottings so you can imagine my surprise when I returned to the journal to discover it contained almost 70,000 words of publication-ready prose. Being tidy-minded, I\u2019d also broken the journal down into chapters and provided some options for dust jacket copy, while (for a laugh) it seems I\u2019d knocked up a fairly detailed index too.<\/p>\n<p>As I say, this had all been for my own amusement since there\u2019s almost nothing else to do on the road. It\u2019s a sad fact that only 1 in 20 UK B&amp;Bs give their guests access to non-terrestrial television.<\/p>\n<p>So when a walker has napped, eaten his chocolate, napped again, bathed his feet in a cocktail of Radox, Dettol and TCP, slathered them in E45 and wrapped them up in damp towel, what else is he going to do? Watch Emmerdale Farm? Skype a woman? No, he may as well collect his thoughts, jot them down long-hand and email them to a proofreader friend (for a laugh).<\/p>\n<p>Not that I spent every evening of my journey hunched over a type-writer. Much of the wording had already plopped into my mind on that day\u2019s walk. I could often be found writing passages out loud; standing by a field, casually tossing off paragraphs to the cows.<\/p>\n<p>I knew they\u2019d only gathered in the hope that I was the farmer come to top up their feed. But that was okay, because sometimes I\u2019d oblige, hurling a chunk of butty their way, then standing back to watch the frenzy. The cows went absolutely ape-shit. It was hilarious.<\/p>\n<p>The result? Alan Partridge: Nomad by Alan Partridge. At 292 pages it is the second longest book I have ever written. They say everyone\u2019s got a book in them, but clearly that\u2019s not true: it\u2019s meant as an average across the whole population. I have now had four works published, which means that somewhere out there are three other people whose literary dreams lie in ruins.<\/p>\n<p>And my father? Well, I know he\u2019d be too frugal to shell out for a hardback at the Heaven branch of Waterstone\u2019s but, with the paperback due for release just months after the London Boat Show 2017 at ExCeL on 6-15 January (\u201cThe best boats, the best people\u201d), I\u2019m sure he\u2019ll be smiling down on me in the early part of next year.<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<div class=\"dcr-1nupfq9\" data-gu-name=\"headline\">\n<div class=\"dcr-krkkhw\">\n<div class=\"dcr-13a2edo\">\n<h1 class=\"dcr-17q5ki2\">Alan Partridge: I don\u2019t need TV, I\u2019ve got two Nutribullets<\/h1>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"dcr-zjgnrw\" data-gu-name=\"standfirst\">\n<div class=\" dcr-19a86vh\">\n<p>In an exclusive epistle, Norfolk\u2019s king of chat has harsh words for the future of the small screen. A golden age of TV? More like a golden shower, he writes<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"dcr-pn0kqp\" data-gu-name=\"media\">\n<div class=\"dcr-krkkhw\">\n<div class=\"dcr-16n5mgq\">\n<figure id=\"bcd5bad6-df58-48b5-86ce-da043a50dacd\" class=\"dcr-13udsys\">\n<div class=\"dcr-1b267dg\"><picture class=\"dcr-4zleql\"><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/9b8bbb4b238c4694ee21819b7abcf4980e93f46d\/0_2016_6732_4042\/master\/6732.jpg?width=620&amp;quality=45&amp;dpr=2&amp;s=none\" media=\"(min-width: 980px) and (-webkit-min-device-pixel-ratio: 1.25), (min-width: 980px) and (min-resolution: 120dpi)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/9b8bbb4b238c4694ee21819b7abcf4980e93f46d\/0_2016_6732_4042\/master\/6732.jpg?width=620&amp;quality=85&amp;dpr=1&amp;s=none\" media=\"(min-width: 980px)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/9b8bbb4b238c4694ee21819b7abcf4980e93f46d\/0_2016_6732_4042\/master\/6732.jpg?width=700&amp;quality=45&amp;dpr=2&amp;s=none\" media=\"(min-width: 740px) and (-webkit-min-device-pixel-ratio: 1.25), (min-width: 740px) and (min-resolution: 120dpi)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/9b8bbb4b238c4694ee21819b7abcf4980e93f46d\/0_2016_6732_4042\/master\/6732.jpg?width=700&amp;quality=85&amp;dpr=1&amp;s=none\" media=\"(min-width: 740px)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/9b8bbb4b238c4694ee21819b7abcf4980e93f46d\/0_2016_6732_4042\/master\/6732.jpg?width=620&amp;quality=45&amp;dpr=2&amp;s=none\" media=\"(min-width: 660px) and (-webkit-min-device-pixel-ratio: 1.25), (min-width: 660px) and (min-resolution: 120dpi)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/9b8bbb4b238c4694ee21819b7abcf4980e93f46d\/0_2016_6732_4042\/master\/6732.jpg?width=620&amp;quality=85&amp;dpr=1&amp;s=none\" media=\"(min-width: 660px)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/9b8bbb4b238c4694ee21819b7abcf4980e93f46d\/0_2016_6732_4042\/master\/6732.jpg?width=645&amp;quality=45&amp;dpr=2&amp;s=none\" media=\"(min-width: 480px) and (-webkit-min-device-pixel-ratio: 1.25), (min-width: 480px) and (min-resolution: 120dpi)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/9b8bbb4b238c4694ee21819b7abcf4980e93f46d\/0_2016_6732_4042\/master\/6732.jpg?width=645&amp;quality=85&amp;dpr=1&amp;s=none\" media=\"(min-width: 480px)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/9b8bbb4b238c4694ee21819b7abcf4980e93f46d\/0_2016_6732_4042\/master\/6732.jpg?width=465&amp;quality=45&amp;dpr=2&amp;s=none\" media=\"(min-width: 320px) and (-webkit-min-device-pixel-ratio: 1.25), (min-width: 320px) and (min-resolution: 120dpi)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/9b8bbb4b238c4694ee21819b7abcf4980e93f46d\/0_2016_6732_4042\/master\/6732.jpg?width=465&amp;quality=85&amp;dpr=1&amp;s=none\" media=\"(min-width: 320px)\" \/><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"dcr-4zleql\" src=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/9b8bbb4b238c4694ee21819b7abcf4980e93f46d\/0_2016_6732_4042\/master\/6732.jpg?width=465&amp;quality=85&amp;dpr=1&amp;s=none\" alt=\"Alan Partridge. \" width=\"465\" height=\"279.2325\" \/><\/picture><\/div>\n<figcaption class=\"dcr-w6u133\"><span class=\"dcr-1f2y4fi\">I\u2019ve got the cheese\u2026 Alan Partridge.\u00a0<\/span>Photograph: Colin Hutton<\/figcaption>\n<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"dcr-1o781fl\" data-gu-name=\"lines\">\n<div class=\"dcr-krkkhw\">\n<div class=\"dcr-ss9mnu\">\u00a0<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<aside class=\"dcr-1aul2ye\" data-gu-name=\"meta\">\n<div class=\"dcr-krkkhw\">\n<div class=\" dcr-ss9mnu\">\n<div class=\"dcr-1eucl2a\">\n<div class=\"dcr-fj5ypv\">\n<div class=\"dcr-1b2hahh\"><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"dcr-19n4rhu\" src=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/uploads\/2022\/04\/28\/Alan_Partridge.png?width=300&amp;quality=85&amp;auto=format&amp;fit=max&amp;s=26c50b0baf045aa4dabce379caaa1904\" alt=\"Alan Partridge\" \/><\/div>\n<div><address aria-label=\"Contributor info\" data-component=\"meta-byline\" data-link-name=\"byline\">\n<div class=\" dcr-wj7ien\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.theguardian.com\/profile\/alan-partridge\" rel=\"author\" data-link-name=\"auto tag link\">Alan Partridge<\/a><\/div>\n<\/address><details class=\"dcr-km9fgb\" open=\"open\">\n<summary class=\"dcr-1jfftff\"><span class=\"dcr-10i63lj\">Sat 6 Feb 2016 09.00 GMT<\/span><\/summary>\n<\/details><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"dcr-15yir0q\" data-print-layout=\"hide\">\n<div class=\" dcr-1ni4us3\">\n<div class=\"dcr-1kr2ya4\">\n<div class=\"meta-number\">\n<div class=\"css-jd3ve2\">\u00a0<\/div>\n<div class=\"css-pbkcyu\" data-testid=\"long-comment-count\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><span class=\"dcr-1i2w9iu\"><span class=\"dcr-1jnp7wy\">S<\/span><\/span><span class=\"dcr-4iq4cq\">ix months ago, I was back at the BBC. It was a drinks reception to celebrate 45 years of The Goodies and Bill Oddie invited me as his plus one, mindful that he might bump into Chris Packham and lamp him for stealing the Springwatch gig.<\/span><\/div>\n<div data-testid=\"long-comment-count\" aria-hidden=\"true\">\u00a0<\/div>\n<div class=\"css-pbkcyu\" data-testid=\"long-comment-count\" aria-hidden=\"true\">My focus was \u2013 often is \u2013 on keeping Oddie calm. He\u2019s grown wise to me slipping Rescue Remedy into his Merlot, so I always make sure I have my iPad with me. That way if we do have a flare-up Bill can go sit in the back of the car and look at pictures of birds. I also confiscate his glasses so he can\u2019t scan the room for enemies.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/aside>\n<div class=\"dcr-1jw1u7l\" data-gu-name=\"body\">\n<div class=\"dcr-10446j5\">\n<div id=\"maincontent\" class=\"dcr-qaen6h\">\n<div class=\"article-body-commercial-selector article-body-viewer-selector  dcr-i19dq3\">\n<p class=\"dcr-4iq4cq\">Yet that evening something else caught my attention. It was the sound of braying broadcasters proclaiming that we\u2019re now in a golden age of TV. Well, Oddie and I threw our heads back and roared (me laughter, Oddie anger). It wasn\u2019t just the arrogance of it, but its wrongness.\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.theguardian.com\/culture\/television\" data-component=\"auto-linked-tag\" data-link-name=\"in body link\">Television<\/a>\u00a0is a busted flush. No sensible broadcaster wants to work in it, and I am no exception. Nor, he has asked me to point out, is Oddie.<\/p>\n<p class=\"dcr-4iq4cq\">And so, in this piece, I will debunk the myth that we are seeing a golden age of television. I will go on to demonstrate that radio is the preferred medium for the talented broadcaster. I will summarise these points in a recap paragraph and end on a single pithy line that knits everything together. I will then spellcheck the document. I will email it to the Guardian and will then go into town to meet an acquaintance. Then it\u2019s BodyPump, Tesco Metro, bite to eat and bed.<\/p>\n<p class=\"dcr-4iq4cq\">A golden age? More like a golden shower! If you work in television, you\u2019re probably spluttering something about the mass appeal of Strictly Come Dancing or how cutting-edge Game Of Thrones is, with its sandals and dragons. Personally, I fail to see what\u2019s cutting edge about a dragon. They were used to advertise mouthwash in the 80s. They\u2019ve been extinct for millions of years!<\/p>\n<p class=\"dcr-4iq4cq\">Everywhere you look there are signs of decline. Our newsreaders now stand up, our chatshow hosts don\u2019t chat, our TV detectives take a \u201cseries arc\u201d to suss out what Bergerac managed in an hour \u2013 admittedly, the kind of canny problem-solving you\u2019d expect from a guy residing in a tax haven.<\/p>\n<p class=\"dcr-4iq4cq\">Of course, put this to a TV exec and they\u2019ll waffle on about appreciation indexes, time-shifted viewing figures, strong online feedback. Talk about mealy-mouthed! But then BBC mouths are some of the mealiest in the industry. And it\u2019s not just their mouths. Face, head, neck, you name it \u2013 all very, very mealy indeed.<\/p>\n<figure id=\"a3109209-b783-499b-b836-b57ea703102e\" class=\" dcr-10khgmf\" data-spacefinder-role=\"inline\" data-spacefinder-type=\"model.dotcomrendering.pageElements.ImageBlockElement\">\n<div class=\"dcr-1b267dg\"><picture class=\"dcr-4zleql\"><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/cdf2938efdecfa4205e6636039de6414e93c425a\/0_238_4368_2620\/master\/4368.jpg?width=620&amp;quality=45&amp;dpr=2&amp;s=none\" media=\"(min-width: 660px) and (-webkit-min-device-pixel-ratio: 1.25), (min-width: 660px) and (min-resolution: 120dpi)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/cdf2938efdecfa4205e6636039de6414e93c425a\/0_238_4368_2620\/master\/4368.jpg?width=620&amp;quality=85&amp;dpr=1&amp;s=none\" media=\"(min-width: 660px)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/cdf2938efdecfa4205e6636039de6414e93c425a\/0_238_4368_2620\/master\/4368.jpg?width=605&amp;quality=45&amp;dpr=2&amp;s=none\" media=\"(min-width: 480px) and (-webkit-min-device-pixel-ratio: 1.25), (min-width: 480px) and (min-resolution: 120dpi)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/cdf2938efdecfa4205e6636039de6414e93c425a\/0_238_4368_2620\/master\/4368.jpg?width=605&amp;quality=85&amp;dpr=1&amp;s=none\" media=\"(min-width: 480px)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/cdf2938efdecfa4205e6636039de6414e93c425a\/0_238_4368_2620\/master\/4368.jpg?width=445&amp;quality=45&amp;dpr=2&amp;s=none\" media=\"(min-width: 320px) and (-webkit-min-device-pixel-ratio: 1.25), (min-width: 320px) and (min-resolution: 120dpi)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/cdf2938efdecfa4205e6636039de6414e93c425a\/0_238_4368_2620\/master\/4368.jpg?width=445&amp;quality=85&amp;dpr=1&amp;s=none\" media=\"(min-width: 320px)\" \/><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"dcr-4zleql\" src=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/cdf2938efdecfa4205e6636039de6414e93c425a\/0_238_4368_2620\/master\/4368.jpg?width=445&amp;quality=85&amp;dpr=1&amp;s=none\" alt=\"Alan Partridge\u2019s Mid Morning Matters.\" width=\"445\" height=\"266.91849816849816\" \/><\/picture><\/div>\n<figcaption class=\"dcr-w6u133\"><span class=\"dcr-1f2y4fi\">Alan Partridge\u2019s Mid Morning Matters.<\/span><\/figcaption>\n<\/figure>\n<p class=\"dcr-4iq4cq\">But where one empire crumbles, another rises. While TV slides into the abyss, radio rises like a phoenix\/new day\/beanstalk. Some of the best broadcasters are realising radio is the place to be and are migrating to this medium in their droves.<\/p>\n<p class=\"dcr-4iq4cq\">Am I just saying this because it\u2019s the arena I happen to work in? No! Or maybe because I\u2019m bitter that I no longer work in television? Of course not! I\u2019m in a more contented place than ever. I drive an executive saloon, I take several foreign holidays a year, I have a four-figure endorsement deal with Norfolk\u2019s leading manufacturer of non-recyclable cat litters. What else? I own two NutriBullets. My hair\u2019s still nice and thick. I do have a fat back but I\u2019m able to manage that by not approaching people back-first with my top off.<\/p>\n<p class=\"dcr-4iq4cq\">No, the reason I\u2019ve penned this piece is because I\u2019m genuinely evangelical about digital radio. Enter any DRS (digital radio station) and you\u2019ll find it fizzing with ideas, like liver on a hotplate \u2013 or liver on a hot plate. I, personally, come up with over 20 ideas a day; more if I\u2019ve had egg for breakfast (don\u2019t know why).<\/p>\n<p class=\"dcr-4iq4cq\">Then there\u2019s its global reach. Digital shows can be accessed via the internet anywhere on Earth. When I launch a phone-in that asks: \u201cHow often should you wash your towels?\u201d or \u201cHow long can a dog stand on its hind legs?\u201d, it\u2019s as likely to be enjoyed by a housewife in Hemsby as it is by a factory owner in Guangzhou or a weaver high (or low) in the Andes.<\/p>\n<figure id=\"19333c68-b2a4-40fb-95c1-0a82d4418a0d\" class=\" dcr-10khgmf\" data-spacefinder-role=\"inline\" data-spacefinder-type=\"model.dotcomrendering.pageElements.ImageBlockElement\">\n<div class=\"dcr-1b267dg\"><picture class=\"dcr-4zleql\"><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/538e67484b86b6e2c3220566697b742a00fa2429\/0_292_4368_2620\/master\/4368.jpg?width=620&amp;quality=45&amp;dpr=2&amp;s=none\" media=\"(min-width: 660px) and (-webkit-min-device-pixel-ratio: 1.25), (min-width: 660px) and (min-resolution: 120dpi)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/538e67484b86b6e2c3220566697b742a00fa2429\/0_292_4368_2620\/master\/4368.jpg?width=620&amp;quality=85&amp;dpr=1&amp;s=none\" media=\"(min-width: 660px)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/538e67484b86b6e2c3220566697b742a00fa2429\/0_292_4368_2620\/master\/4368.jpg?width=605&amp;quality=45&amp;dpr=2&amp;s=none\" media=\"(min-width: 480px) and (-webkit-min-device-pixel-ratio: 1.25), (min-width: 480px) and (min-resolution: 120dpi)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/538e67484b86b6e2c3220566697b742a00fa2429\/0_292_4368_2620\/master\/4368.jpg?width=605&amp;quality=85&amp;dpr=1&amp;s=none\" media=\"(min-width: 480px)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/538e67484b86b6e2c3220566697b742a00fa2429\/0_292_4368_2620\/master\/4368.jpg?width=445&amp;quality=45&amp;dpr=2&amp;s=none\" media=\"(min-width: 320px) and (-webkit-min-device-pixel-ratio: 1.25), (min-width: 320px) and (min-resolution: 120dpi)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/538e67484b86b6e2c3220566697b742a00fa2429\/0_292_4368_2620\/master\/4368.jpg?width=445&amp;quality=85&amp;dpr=1&amp;s=none\" media=\"(min-width: 320px)\" \/><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"dcr-4zleql\" src=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/538e67484b86b6e2c3220566697b742a00fa2429\/0_292_4368_2620\/master\/4368.jpg?width=445&amp;quality=85&amp;dpr=1&amp;s=none\" alt=\"Alan Partridge\u2019s Mid Morning Matters.\" width=\"445\" height=\"266.91849816849816\" \/><\/picture><\/div>\n<figcaption class=\"dcr-w6u133\"><span class=\"dcr-1f2y4fi\">Alan Partridge\u2019s Mid Morning Matters.<\/span><\/figcaption>\n<\/figure>\n<p class=\"dcr-4iq4cq\">All of which explains why I was gracious enough to allow Sky Atlantic (a TV channel) to broadcast my forthcoming (radio) show Mid Morning Matters. Perhaps it\u2019s because they Believe in Better, I don\u2019t know, you\u2019d have to ask them. All I know is it takes real humility for them to admit that television, the very medium they operate in, is a spent force that simply isn\u2019t working and that the only thing that might be able to prop up their viewing figures is the webcam footage of a Norfolk-based digital radio show.<\/p>\n<p class=\"dcr-4iq4cq\">I guess that\u2019s also why I was only too happy to go along with their suggestion that they take sole ownership of the rights to the show along with all back-end revenues in perpetuity. After all, don\u2019t kick a man when he\u2019s down, right?<\/p>\n<p class=\"dcr-4iq4cq\">Back at the Goodies shindig, I made many of these points and more. The braying of the execs softened to a whinny as they digested what I had to say, and before long they were listening in rapt silence. It was then I realised they weren\u2019t listening but were watching Bill Oddie pin Chris Packham to a wall. I handed Bill his spectacles. He realised it was Sue Barker, apologised and we sloped back to the car.<\/p>\n<p class=\"dcr-4iq4cq\">I\u2019ve run out of space for the summary paragraph and pithy sign off. Sorry.<\/p>\n<p class=\"dcr-4iq4cq\"><strong><em>PS. Mid Morning Matters is back on Sky Atlantic,10pm, 16 February<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<h2 id=\"alans-pick-of-the-radio-renegades\">ALAN\u2019S PICK OF THE RADIO RENEGADES<\/h2>\n<h2 id=\"freddy-and-ted-majesty-radio\">Freddy And Ted, Majesty Radio<\/h2>\n<p class=\"dcr-4iq4cq\">Breakfast presenters at this Peterborough outfit, Freddy and Ted had a blokey repartee which took on a different hue when they announced their engagement live on air. Controversially, the show now features Snog or Yog, in which listeners guess whether the slopping noises they can hear are the sound of them eating yoghurt or French-kissing one another. Advertisers and parents have run a mile but it makes for urgent, compelling radio.<\/p>\n<h2 id=\"judge-solomon-six-counties-radio\">Judge Solomon, Six Counties Radio<\/h2>\n<p class=\"dcr-4iq4cq\">A former barrister, Solomon takes a cue from his biblical namesake with Judge Solomon\u2019s Kids Court, in which he presides as a family court judge and, after hearing from both parents, grants custody to one or the other \u2013 with explosive results. His decision carries no legal weight whatsoever but the listeners don\u2019t seem to know that.<\/p>\n<h2 id=\"steve-penk-the-steve-penk-wind-up-channel\">Steve Penk, The Steve Penk Wind-Up Channel<\/h2>\n<p class=\"dcr-4iq4cq\">If you think Trevor Bayliss invented wind-up radio, think again. Penk is the master of the practical joke and is as creative and daring as ever. He once phoned me to say my daughter had lost an arm in a powerboating accident and it was \u201ctouch and go\u201d if she\u2019d pull through. I couldn\u2019t stop crying, even after I realised I\u2019d been \u201cpenked\u201d. That\u2019s Steve!<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p class=\"dcr-4iq4cq\">\u00a0<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/article>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n<p><a href=\"\"><\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n<table style=\"width: 60%;\" align=\"center\">\n\n<hr>\n<h1><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/i.imgur.com\/1KQFCqR.png\"><\/h1>\n<hr>\n<h1>Alpha Papa DVD: Alan Partridge on why he\u2019s grateful to Nigel Farage<\/h1>\n<pre><em>Alan Partridge, broadcaster, patriot and hostage negotiator, speaks out about UKIP and the real conspiracy about Operation Yewtree<\/em><\/pre>\n<p>Catherine Gee<\/p>\n<p>After rescuing North Norfolk Digital from a serious hostage crisis, new hero Alan Partridge has had a few months to reflect on his actions. As Alpha Papa, the accout of his ordeal, is released on DVD, we ask Partridge some hard-hitting questions.<\/p>\n<p><strong>What advice would you give to another DJ faced with a hostage crisis?<\/strong><br>\u201cQuit the jabbering.\u201d By their very nature DJs find it hard to button it, but give it too much of this [does a talky-talky gesture with left hand] and an erratic gunman is going to shove his rifle in your goolies in pretty short order.<\/p>\n<p><strong>If they were to make a film of what happened at North Norfolk Digital, who would play you?<\/strong><br>If he can strip out some of the more unsavoury elements of his persona, I\u2019d like to see what Rupert Everett could do with the role.<\/p>\n<p>My current role as a local radio D-Jock. Yes, I used to have my own prime-time BBC TV chattershow, watched by millions, with an interview style that I would describe as \u201clike Parky but not as boring\u201d, but who cares? Radio is a much more wholesome medium. My listeners sometimes send me cake. The best I\u2019d get in my TV days were a few pairs of women\u2019s knickers, and I could hardly eat those! I could hardly eat knickers! That\u2019s horrible!<\/p>\n<p><strong>You were a mainstay of the BBC in the Eighties and early Nineties. Are you shocked by recent revelations?<\/strong><br>I think the thing I\u2019m most intrigued by is the police\u2019s choice of the name Yewtree. At first I assumed it was a clever code to hint at the fact they were after a trio of Dublin-based broadcasters (\u201cyew tree\u201d being the Irish way of saying \u201cyou three\u201d). Then I realised this was one of the worst theories I\u2019d ever developed. So instead I began to look more closely at the characteristics of the yewtree itself, Taxus baccata. What was it about this tree, whose wood has been the material of choice for longbow-making since Medieval times, that seemed such a good fit for an investigation of this kind? Keen to know more I put several calls into both Monty Don and Alan Titchmarsh, though mainly to Monty Don as I think Titch has changed his number. Nothing back yet but I await their responses with some interest. In fact if either of you are reading this now, do pick up the phone, I\u2019d be happy for you to reverse the charges.<\/p>\n<p><strong>What would you be doing if you weren\u2019t a broadcaster?<\/strong><br>Definitely not charity work. I used to man the phones for The Donkey Sanctuary (ex-wife had soft spot for donkeys) and quickly came to the conclusion that do-gooders are bozos. No, if I wasn\u2019t in broadcasting I\u2019d most likely have made between eight and ten million pounds in business. I like the idea of some form of consulting, because it\u2019s basically just speaking. It\u2019s also a line of work that would weatherproof me from the risk of having to deal with anyone who didn\u2019t have a degree.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Who is your inspiration?<\/strong><br>I\u2019m not going to rattle off a list of local heroes from our bloated public sector because you won\u2019t have heard of them and they don\u2019t inspire me. Instead, I choose Wernher von Braun. The Nazi rocket scientist was reviled for raining V-2s on Britain in the Second World War but proved himself to be a good egg by helping man build a rocket to the moon. This reputation trajectory provides hope and succour to a broadcaster who shot a man dead on live television (Alan Partridge).<\/p>\n<p><strong>Nick Grimshaw\u2019s breakfast show ratings have plummeted. What would you do to save the show?<\/strong><br>What you\u2019d call \u201clistener hemorrhage\u201d, I call \u201cstakeholder honing\u201d. I\u2019ve broadcast to audiences of under 200 during half-term holidays but the quality of that audience was absolutely exceptional. Then again, whether Nick can say the same about people who say \u201ctotes\u201d instead of \u201ctotally\u201d is doubtful.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Are you a fan of Nigel Farage and UKIP?<\/strong><br>I don\u2019t think it\u2019s appropriate to discuss politics in the run-up to Christmas. But suffice to say, on Christmas morn, I\u2019ll be breakfasting on bacon, sausage and eggs rather than croissants and flaps of cold meat. We have one man to thank for that. And to suggest that him sharing initials with a violent far-right movement is anything other than coincidence is pure cattles\u2013t.<\/p>\n<p><strong>If you had to interview God on North Norfolk Digital, what would be your opening question?<\/strong><br>\u201cIf I sneeze repeatedly and my assistant says \u2018bless you\u2019 after every single sneeze, do you bless me each time or do you just bless me the first time and then ignore the subsequent requests?\u201d Like all guests, God would then be given the opportunity to request any record (that we have). If there was time, I\u2019d also ask him to finally adjudicate on Israel\/Palestine because it\u2019s getting pretty tiresome now.<\/p>\n<p><strong>When will you be back on BBC TV?<\/strong><br>God knows! Another question for Him, actually.<\/p>\n<hr>\n<h1><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/metro.co.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/11\/ad_121087264.jpg?quality=90&amp;strip=all&amp;zoom=1&amp;resize=540%2C356\" width=\"540\" height=\"356\"><\/h1>\n<h1 class=\"post-title clear\">Alan Partridge: How I\u2019ll be spending Christmas<\/h1>\n<p>The Metro, 19 Dec 2013<\/p>\n<p>What of the twelve days of Christmas? For me, the biggie is always Christmas Day (often referred to as \u2018Xmas Day\u2019). I hate missing out on any of the action so always set my alarm for 10am. I tend to begin proceedings with a period of quiet reflection, either as I lie alone in bed or as I sit on the toilet (also alone). In the rush to exchange material possessions it\u2019s easy to forget the origin of the celebration. Namely, the birth of a very special baby Jew. But it\u2019s his Mummy I like to dwell upon. Poor Mary, in an age before epidurals, or indeed any form of anesthetic, howling into the night like an injured wolf or an uninjured&nbsp;jackal, begging for the agony to end, ideally before she succumbed to infection from the animal excreta that was bound to have littered the stable block where she lay.&nbsp;Then I tend to just have a sausage butty.<\/p>\n<div class=\"ad-slot-container\">&nbsp;<\/div>\n<div class=\"ad-slot-container\">&nbsp;<\/div>\n<p>But really Christmas Day is all about the extravagant lunch. Try-hard friends of mine have started to snub turkey in favour of goose or duck, like they\u2019re in the 1850s. I\u2019m surprised they don\u2019t have a clothes mangle and a pale aunt who coughs blood into a hanky! No, turkey is the best choice for a modern Christmas lunch. While high in sodium, it\u2019s a rich source of protein and typically has a higher ratio of less fatty white meat to dark meat (around 70:30). The flesh also provides plenty of iron, zinc, potassium and phosphorus as well as selenium, which is essential for thyroid hormone metabolism. But have what you want.<\/p>\n<p>After lunch, I\u2019ll put the dirty crockery back onto the tray and leave it outside the front door for my assistant to collect. Personally I get a real buzz from spending Boxing Day alone. My family and friends must be well aware of this because they never call. I like to get the decorations packed away and back up the loft by noon. Then I focus on catching up on all those chores that never got done the previous year. Re-grouting the bathroom, updating my pre-recorded voicemail message, or just pulling out the tweezers and having a nasal spring clean. Perfick.<\/p>\n<div id=\"connatix_placeholder_desktop\" class=\"ad-slot-large minute-media\">\n<div class=\"monti-placeholder-mm-player\">\n<div id=\"mplayer-shadow-dom-wrapper-3a8d7d2e-ef7a-41bc-8f41-7e5a412f8a3e\">\n<div id=\"mplayer-player-placeholder-3a8d7d2e-ef7a-41bc-8f41-7e5a412f8a3e\" class=\"monti-placeholder-mm-player anchor_inactive orientation_right\">\n<div id=\"mplayer-player-container-3a8d7d2e-ef7a-41bc-8f41-7e5a412f8a3e\">\n<div id=\"mplayer-mplayer-fullscreen-container-3a8d7d2e-ef7a-41bc-8f41-7e5a412f8a3e\">\n<div>\n<div>\n<div id=\"mplayer-video-tag-wrapper-3a8d7d2e-ef7a-41bc-8f41-7e5a412f8a3e\">&nbsp;<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div>\n<div>&nbsp;<\/div>\n<div>\n<div id=\"mplayer-controls-top-bar-3a8d7d2e-ef7a-41bc-8f41-7e5a412f8a3e\">\n<div>\n<div>\n<div data-tooltip-text=\"Strictly Come Dancing fans call for AJ Odudu and John Whaite to host 'own show', and other top stories from December 22, 2021.\">\n<div id=\"mplayer-controls-title-tooltip-3a8d7d2e-ef7a-41bc-8f41-7e5a412f8a3e\">Strictly Come Dancing fans call for AJ Odudu and John Whaite to host &#8216;own show&#8217;, and other top stories from December 22, 2021.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div>\n<div>\n<div id=\"mplayer-controls-seek-bar-tooltip-3a8d7d2e-ef7a-41bc-8f41-7e5a412f8a3e\">&nbsp;<\/div>\n<div tabindex=\"0\" aria-label=\"Seekbar\">\n<div id=\"mplayer-controls-seek-bar-3a8d7d2e-ef7a-41bc-8f41-7e5a412f8a3e\">\n<div>\n<div>&nbsp;<\/div>\n<div id=\"mplayer-controls-seek-bar-progress-3a8d7d2e-ef7a-41bc-8f41-7e5a412f8a3e\">&nbsp;<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div id=\"mplayer-controls-bottom-bar-3a8d7d2e-ef7a-41bc-8f41-7e5a412f8a3e\">\n<div>\n<div>\n<div data-tooltip-text=\"Pause\">\n<div id=\"mplayer-controls-play-pause-tooltip-3a8d7d2e-ef7a-41bc-8f41-7e5a412f8a3e\">Pause<\/div>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div>\n<div data-tooltip-text=\"Next video\">\n<div id=\"mplayer-controls-next-tooltip-3a8d7d2e-ef7a-41bc-8f41-7e5a412f8a3e\">Next video<\/div>\n<div>&nbsp;<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div id=\"mplayer-controls-time-3a8d7d2e-ef7a-41bc-8f41-7e5a412f8a3e\">0:17&nbsp;\/ 0:54<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div>\n<div>\n<div>\n<div>\n<div id=\"mplayer-controls-volume-bar-3a8d7d2e-ef7a-41bc-8f41-7e5a412f8a3e\">\n<div>&nbsp;<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div>\n<div data-tooltip-text=\"Full-screen\">\n<div id=\"mplayer-controls-fullscreen-tooltip-3a8d7d2e-ef7a-41bc-8f41-7e5a412f8a3e\">Full-screen<\/div>\n<div>&nbsp;<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div>\n<div><span id=\"mplayer-read-more-button-text-3a8d7d2e-ef7a-41bc-8f41-7e5a412f8a3e\">Read More<\/span><span id=\"mplayer-read-more-icon-3a8d7d2e-ef7a-41bc-8f41-7e5a412f8a3e\" tabindex=\"0\" aria-label=\"Read more\"><\/span><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"adsbox\">&nbsp;<\/div>\n<div id=\"vplayer-ad-element\" data-google-query-id=\"CMSmyObO_PQCFZcw0wodK8EFLw\">\n<div id=\"google_ads_iframe_175840252\/MMPlus\/DailyMail\/Display\/WIthinPlayer_2__container__\"><iframe id=\"google_ads_iframe_175840252\/MMPlus\/DailyMail\/Display\/WIthinPlayer_2\" tabindex=\"0\" title=\"3rd party ad content\" role=\"region\" name=\"google_ads_iframe_175840252\/MMPlus\/DailyMail\/Display\/WIthinPlayer_2\" width=\"300\" height=\"250\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" sandbox=\"allow-forms allow-popups allow-popups-to-escape-sandbox allow-same-origin allow-scripts allow-top-navigation-by-user-activation\" aria-label=\"Advertisement\" data-google-container-id=\"c\" data-load-complete=\"true\" data-mce-fragment=\"1\"><\/iframe><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"mplayer-styles-container\">&nbsp;<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<p>Over Christmas Day and Boxing Day I tend to gain about ten pounds, so the days leading up to New Year\u2019s Eve are all about losing that weight. Each morning I\u2019ll jog to my local gym then, as I\u2019m not a member, jog back again. It\u2019s good exercise, and totally free of charge. I then spend an hour or so sat in my car with the heaters on. I\u2019ll comfortably sweat out a pound or two per session. It means my car seat reeks of sweat until about June but it\u2019s a price well worth paying. As either Kate Moss or Kate Winslet once said (internet not working at the moment), \u2018Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.\u2019 Actually, thinking about it, it was probably Kate Moss.<\/p>\n<div class=\"ad-slot-container\">&nbsp;<\/div>\n<div class=\"ad-slot-container\">&nbsp;<\/div>\n<p>I also dramatically slash my food intake, surviving on two super-food smoothies a day (coconut water, acai berries, raw cacao, goji berries, spirulina and leftover turkey). It\u2019s a grueling regime so the key is to make sure you stay motivated. I\u2018ll do this by making sure I weigh myself roughly every fifteen minutes. Try to get the most favourable weight by stripping naked and not standing on the scales for too long. But sometimes of course you just have to be brutally honest. For me that means getting to December 30 and realising my diet never works, before reaching for the plastic tubing in the garage and making preparations for my annual Nescafe enema. Painful, but necessary.<\/p>\n<p>Tradition dictates that December 31 presages the transition from one year to the next. I tend to spend the afternoon working out which days in the following year have some kind of numerical significance. For example, in 1978 I\u2019d circle June 5 because that would be written as 5\/6\/78 \u2013 and at 12.34 I\u2019d look at my watch and have a pretty sweet nod to myself. Next year bears a few of these \u2018red number days\u2019. November 10 might be one: 10\/11, 12:13, \u201914. But I\u2019ve had to put the time in the middle to make that work so at best it\u2019d be a small nod and probably not even that. Just trying to think if there are any others. December 10 maybe, if you stick with even numbers? 6:08, 10\/12, \u201914. But ideally you\u2019d want the time to be 4:68 and there\u2019s no such time unless I carry the 8 over and do it at 5:08 and then you\u2019re really effing the system up.<\/p>\n<div class=\"ad-slot-container\">&nbsp;<\/div>\n<p>By now I\u2019m pretty annoyed so I\u2019ll pop to Choristers and see if any of the lads are there. Usually one or two are but they\u2019re with their wives on the way to a restaurant or house party so I wait for them to leave and then go home to ring in the New Year in front of BBC1. Never ever ITV, ever (I chose ITV a few years back and my wife left me 11 and a half months later), then I go to bed.<\/p>\n<hr>\n<h1>Alan Partridge interview: On surviving sieges and \u201950 Shades of Grey\u2019<\/h1>\n<p>SIMON REYNOLDS 2013-11-27<\/p>\n<p>Norwich found itself at the centre of media attention earlier this summer when local DJ Pat Farrell took employees of radio station Shape (formerly North Norfolk Digital) hostage for a tense siege that drew in former BBC chatshow host Alan Partridge.<\/p>\n<p>As his exploits come to DVD and Blu-ray Digital Spy asked the man himself about his hectic danger day, his current taste in music and how \u2013 as the writer of autobiography&nbsp;<em>I, Partridge<\/em>&nbsp;\u2013 he feels about the literary success of a certain EL James\u2026<\/p>\n<p class=\"body-el-text standard-body-el-text\"><strong>Did the events of&nbsp;<em>Alpha Papa<\/em>&nbsp;change your perspective on life?<\/strong><br>\u201cNot particularly. My colleague Pat Farrell held up a radio station, but I already knew that within every Irishman lies the potential to go loco with a firearm. That\u2019s just how they are. I was also pretty cool with the risk of death. I\u2019ve had a good career, fathered two children (one of whom makes me genuinely proud), seen the world (12 countries in all \u2013 UK counts as four), and only once missed a deadline for filing my tax return (long story!). I would miss&nbsp;<em>Deal Or No Deal<\/em>&nbsp;though. Quite simply, Edmonds is a master. The way he refuses to take any s**t from the banker would \u2013 to my mind \u2013 have made him the perfect person to lead the government\u2019s efforts to reform the UK banking sector. A missed opportunity.\u201d<\/p>\n<p class=\"body-el-text standard-body-el-text\"><strong>What are the essential things required to survive a siege?<\/strong><br>\u201cFirst and foremost, what the French refer to as \u2018cojones\u2019. Until you\u2019re actually in a life or death situation it\u2019s impossible to know how you\u2019ll react. For whatever reason I happen to be incredibly brave and strong, but everyone\u2019s different. One of the guys in there with us is a bit of a hard man in everyday life, yet faced with a gunman he\u2019d compromised his pants within the hour.<\/p>\n<p class=\"body-el-text standard-body-el-text\">\u201cYou also need a keen sense of humour. Again, fine for me but we happened to be locked up with Dave Clifton and I think he found it tough.<\/p>\n<p class=\"body-el-text standard-body-el-text\">\u201cAlso worth thinking about is a secret stash of food. I spotted early on that there wasn\u2019t enough for everyone so made it my business to squirrel about 60% away in a cupboard. After the siege the others found out about this and claimed they wouldn\u2019t have done the same. My arse.\u201d<\/p>\n<p class=\"body-el-text standard-body-el-text\"><strong>If the events in&nbsp;<em>Alpha Papa<\/em>&nbsp;were to be turned into a Hollywood movie, which movie star would you like to see portray you?<\/strong><br>\u201cI\u2019d actually like to see it animated. I\u2019m no movie director (I\u2019m Alan Partridge) but it\u2019d clearly make a good Manga film. There were no actual Japanese people in the siege but if it would boost sales I\u2019d have absolutely no issue with being rendered Far Eastern. I\u2019d even be happy to help out with some of the drawing. Not blowing my own trumpet but at school I once drew a shoe in art class and it looked very, very shoe-like indeed.<\/p>\n<p class=\"body-el-text standard-body-el-text\">\u201cYou might be surprised that I suggest Manga but I\u2019ve always been the type to think outside the box. For example, I was the first DJ in Norfolk to attempt traffic updates every five minutes (a worthwhile experiment), while on the domestic front I regularly use the steam from my shower to wilt spinach.\u201d<\/p>\n<p class=\"body-el-text standard-body-el-text\"><strong>As a best-selling author, what are your thoughts on the&nbsp;<em>Fifty Shades of Grey<\/em>&nbsp;phenomenon? Silly smut or credible literature?<\/strong><br>\u201cI\u2019m not going to tell women what books to buy (that\u2019s Judy Finnegan\u2019s job) or how they can boost their libido (not Judy\u2019s job but she has some interesting views). But if a woman wants to settle down with a book and manipulate herself to completion at the idea of a millionaire bossy boots, that\u2019s entirely up to her. All I\u2019d ask is that she wash her hands before handling food.\u201d<\/p>\n<div class=\"embedded-image embedded-image--LM standard-article-embedded-image--LM standard-article-body-el-image\">\n<div class=\"embedded-image--inner\"><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"swap-image zoomable pinterest-enabled lazy-loaded aligncenter\" src=\"https:\/\/web.archive.org\/web\/20210228222641im_\/http:\/\/digitalspyuk.cdnds.net\/13\/29\/480x309\/gallery_movies-alan-partridge-alpha-papa-03.jpg\" alt=\"Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa\" data-pin-description=\"Alan Partridge interview: On surviving sieges and '50 Shades of Grey' - DigitalSpy.com\" data-pin-url=\"https:\/\/web.archive.org\/web\/20210228222641\/http:\/\/www.digitalspy.com\/movies\/alan-partridge-alpha-papa\/interviews\/a533955\/alan-partridge-interview-on-surviving-sieges-and-50-shades-of-grey\/\" data-pin-media=\"https:\/\/web.archive.org\/web\/20210228222641\/http:\/\/digitalspyuk.cdnds.net\/13\/32\/tech-alan-partridge-app-screenshot-1.jpeg\" data-img320=\"https:\/\/web.archive.org\/web\/20210228222641\/http:\/\/digitalspyuk.cdnds.net\/13\/29\/480x309\/gallery_movies-alan-partridge-alpha-papa-03.jpg\" data-img320-w=\"480\" data-img320-h=\"309\" data-cut=\"1366\" data-zoom=\"https:\/\/web.archive.org\/web\/20210228222641\/http:\/\/digitalspyuk.cdnds.net\/13\/29\/1600x1030\/gallery_movies-alan-partridge-alpha-papa-03.jpg\" data-src=\"https:\/\/web.archive.org\/web\/20210228222641\/http:\/\/digitalspyuk.cdnds.net\/13\/29\/480x309\/gallery_movies-alan-partridge-alpha-papa-03.jpg\" data-img480=\"https:\/\/web.archive.org\/web\/20210228222641\/http:\/\/digitalspyuk.cdnds.net\/13\/29\/640x412\/gallery_movies-alan-partridge-alpha-papa-03.jpg\" data-img480-w=\"640\" data-img480-h=\"412\" data-img768=\"https:\/\/web.archive.org\/web\/20210228222641\/http:\/\/digitalspyuk.cdnds.net\/13\/29\/320x206\/gallery_movies-alan-partridge-alpha-papa-03.jpg\" data-img768-w=\"320\" data-img768-h=\"206\" data-img960=\"https:\/\/web.archive.org\/web\/20210228222641\/http:\/\/digitalspyuk.cdnds.net\/13\/29\/480x309\/gallery_movies-alan-partridge-alpha-papa-03.jpg\" data-img960-w=\"480\" data-img960-h=\"309\" data-img1280=\"https:\/\/web.archive.org\/web\/20210228222641\/http:\/\/digitalspyuk.cdnds.net\/13\/29\/480x309\/gallery_movies-alan-partridge-alpha-papa-03.jpg\" data-img1280-w=\"480\" data-img1280-h=\"309\" data-img1366=\"https:\/\/web.archive.org\/web\/20210228222641\/http:\/\/digitalspyuk.cdnds.net\/13\/29\/480x309\/gallery_movies-alan-partridge-alpha-papa-03.jpg\" data-img1366-w=\"480\" data-img1366-h=\"309\"><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"embedded-image embedded-image--RM standard-article-embedded-image--RM standard-article-body-el-image\">&nbsp;<\/div>\n<p class=\"body-el-text standard-body-el-text\"><strong>What is the most played album on your iPod?<\/strong><br>\u201cLike most of the DJs I know, I\u2019m not really into music. I tend to listen to audiobooks, most recently&nbsp;<em>An Evil Cradling<\/em>&nbsp;by Brian Keenan read by Brian Keenan. Having been a hostage myself I like to think I can understand a little of what he went through, also I accidentally pressed \u2018purchase\u2019 on iTunes when I actually wanted to buy&nbsp;<em>An Introduction to Reflexology<\/em>&nbsp;(gift for quite nice new-age woman I\u2019m wooing).<\/p>\n<p class=\"body-el-text standard-body-el-text\">\u201cI also like to listen to poetry anthologies. I\u2019m not fussy about the poet, though obviously it has to rhyme. If they can\u2019t be bothered to do that, why do they think people would be bothered to listen to it?<\/p>\n<p class=\"body-el-text standard-body-el-text\">\u201cOther times I\u2019ll listen to an audio file I downloaded from the internet of different car engines. I listen to each one then guess what car it\u2019s from. I\u2019ve lost the track listing though so it\u2019s quite hard to know if I\u2019m right. A couple of my friends from the pub have suggested that listening to car engines is the kind of thing you\u2019d only do if you were a middle-aged man who lacked human contact but that\u2019s actually wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n<hr>\n<h1>\u2018I wish I\u2019d had one fewer children\u2019: Inside the head of Alan Partridge<\/h1>\n<p class=\"author-section byline-plain\">By&nbsp;<a class=\"author\" href=\"https:\/\/web.archive.org\/web\/20210228222641\/http:\/\/www.dailymail.co.uk\/home\/search.html?s=&amp;authornamef=Alan+Partridge\" rel=\"nofollow\">Alan Partridge<\/a><\/p>\n<p class=\"byline-section\"><span class=\"article-timestamp article-timestamp-updated\">12 November 2013<\/span><\/p>\n<p><em>Regrets? North Norfolk Digital\u2019s legendary DJ \u2013 who bears an uncanny resemblance to comedian Steve Coogan \u2013 has a few. Like having one too many children, mocking the owners of Japanese cars\u2026. oh, and shooting a man dead on his TV talk show<\/em><\/p>\n<div class=\"clear\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"blkBorder b-loaded aligncenter\" style=\"font-size: inherit;\" src=\"https:\/\/web.archive.org\/web\/20210228222641im_\/http:\/\/i.dailymail.co.uk\/i\/pix\/2013\/11\/08\/article-2490453-194B3D0800000578-487_634x490.jpg\" alt=\"Biggest disappointment? 'It'll sound silly but now and then I still regret shooting a man dead on my chat show. It was a long time ago but I still sometimes think of that day and wish he'd been more careful,' said Alan Partridge\" width=\"634\" height=\"490\"><\/div>\n<div class=\"artSplitter fff-pic\">\n<p class=\"imageCaption\">Biggest disappointment? \u2018It\u2019ll sound silly but now and then I still regret shooting a man dead on my chat show. It was a long time ago but I still sometimes think of that day and wish he\u2019d been more careful,\u2019 said Alan Partridge<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<h4>What is your earliest memory?<\/h4>\n<p>I was stood on a pavement by a parade of shops while my&nbsp; mother attempted to parallel-park again and again and again. I ended up shouting directions at the flustered woman until&nbsp; she got it right.<\/p>\n<h4>What sort of child were you?<\/h4>\n<p>Above all, I was a good scout. So much so that I later set up an annual bursary prize for Best Scout at my local troop. But when I checked recently the standing order had been stopped years earlier, so I need to look into that.<\/p>\n<h4>When did you last feel really happy and why?<\/h4>\n<p>I got to sit in a Buick at the Goodwood Revival festival last year while dressed as a gangster and simulating Tommy Gun noises with my mouth. I still have the photos!<\/p>\n<h4>What has been your biggest achievement?<\/h4>\n<p>Probably redefining broadcasting. I took your Frank Boughs and Selina Scotts and added a breezy quality that changed what everyone thought they knew about television. Can you imagine Daybreak pre-Partridge?<\/p>\n<h4>\u2026 and your biggest disappointment?<\/h4>\n<p>It\u2019ll sound silly but now and then I still regret shooting a man dead on my chat show. It was a long time ago but I still sometimes think of that day and wish he\u2019d been more careful.<\/p>\n<h4>What are you best at and why, and what would you like to be better at?<\/h4>\n<p>I\u2019m a whizz at getting lids off jam jars. The trick is to push downwards towards the jar. I\u2019ve embarrassed many a meathead\/strongman using this technique. Wish I\u2019d been a better dad.<\/p>\n<div class=\"clear\">&nbsp;<\/div>\n<div class=\"artSplitter fff-pic\">\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"blkBorder b-loaded aligncenter\" src=\"https:\/\/web.archive.org\/web\/20210228222641im_\/http:\/\/i.dailymail.co.uk\/i\/pix\/2013\/11\/08\/article-2490453-026918C80000044D-356_634x460.jpg\" alt=\"Biggest achievement? 'Probably redefining broadcasting. I took your Frank Boughs and Selina Scotts and added a breezy quality that changed what everyone thought they knew about television,' said Alan Partridge\" width=\"634\" height=\"460\"><\/p>\n<p class=\"imageCaption\">Biggest achievement? \u2018Probably redefining broadcasting. I took your Frank Boughs and Selina Scotts and added a breezy quality that changed what everyone thought they knew about television,\u2019 said Alan Partridge<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"moduleFull\">&nbsp;<\/div>\n<h4>Who would your dream dinner date be?<\/h4>\n<p>Julia Bradbury. We\u2019d go on a walk and the heavens would open. Giggling like teenagers, we dive into a local pub and dry off in front of the fire eating a pie. Then we have a kiss.<\/p>\n<h4>What is your biggest fear?<\/h4>\n<p>Can\u2019t say I\u2019m thrilled with the way Komodo dragons walk (it\u2019s a butch lizard stroll), but it\u2019d probably be a sudden spike in interest rates. I\u2019ve got a buy-to-let portfolio on a tracker mortgage and a one per cent rise will end me.<\/p>\n<h4>What is your biggest regret and why?<\/h4>\n<p>I wish I\u2019d had one fewer children. They say it costs \u00a3140,000 to raise a child to 18. Would my life be better if I\u2019d had only one child but a three-bedroom holiday villa? Of course.<\/p>\n<h4>What or who do you dream about?<\/h4>\n<p>I often dream that my bedroom window is a ghost\u2019s mouth. I know it isn\u2019t but I dream that it is.<\/p>\n<h4>Who do you most admire and why?<\/h4>\n<p>David Cameron. He somehow manages to be both a man of the people and better than us.<\/p>\n<h4>What\u2019s the worst thing that anyone has ever said to you?<\/h4>\n<p>\u2018I don\u2019t love you.\u2019 I asked: \u2018Do you mean you don\u2019t love me, or you\u2019re not in love with me?\u2019 Reply: \u2018Both.\u2019<\/p>\n<h4>Which living person do you despise the most \u2013&nbsp; and why?<\/h4>\n<p>I sometimes worry that growing older has mellowed my hatred of things, and with it my passion, my sharpness. But then a youth TV presenter says \u2018could of\u2019 instead of \u2018could have\u2019 and there I am, throwing food at the television.<\/p>\n<h4>What is your most treasured possession?<\/h4>\n<p>My hair. As a youth I used to keep it long at the back like a superhero\u2019s cape. These days I wear it close-cropped, but it never fails to attract admiring glances from women of all ages and socio-economic groups.<\/p>\n<h4>Who would you most like to say sorry to?<\/h4>\n<p>Owners of Japanese cars. I spent all of the 1980s and most of&nbsp; the 1990s using my position as a radio DJ to publicly mock them. It was a war waged without respite, without mercy, without humanity. And I know for a fact that it forced at least one local man to consider switching to Vauxhall (in the end he didn\u2019t). How ironic then, that I now drive a Toyota Avensis.<\/p>\n<h4>How would you like to be remembered?<\/h4>\n<p>As the first person to suggest a West Bank-style wall around Norfolk (mark my words, it\u2019ll happen).<\/p>\n<h4>What\u2019s the worst thing you\u2019ve ever done?<\/h4>\n<p>Voted Labour. It was only in an election for the European Parliament, but as soon as I\u2019d done it I knew it was wrong. I tried to ignore the nagging feeling of remorse but less than an hour later I was violently sick near a bin.<\/p>\n<h4>When did you last tell a lie \u2013 and what was it?<\/h4>\n<p>I recently told a woman in a wine bar that I had a double-jointed thumb.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/web.archive.org\/web\/20210228222641\/https:\/\/imgur.com\/Re7xT41\"><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter\" title=\"source: imgur.com\" src=\"https:\/\/web.archive.org\/web\/20210228222641im_\/https:\/\/i.imgur.com\/Re7xT41.png\"><\/a><\/p>\n\n<hr>\n<h1>ALAN PARTRIDGE\u2019S 10 WINTER STYLE TIPS<\/h1>\nNovember 28th 2013<br>\nTopMan.com<br>\n<p>Words By\u00a0Alan Partridge<\/p>\n\n<b>Be ballsy<\/span><\/b><br><br>\nWhatever event you\u2019re dressing for, don\u2019t hold back. It\u2019s all too easy in the depths of winter to lie on the sofa in your\u00a0giant onesie, wallowing in self-loathing and biscuit crumbs. But don\u2019t do it. Haul yourself up, shower yourself down, heavily deodorize and dress to impress (love that phrase). I was having a particularly down-in-the-dumps time of it in December \u201908 (car had failed MOT) and just didn\u2019t have the energy to go to the work Christmas party. But in the end I not only went along, I also bought a leather-look shirt with two-tone tassels from the Macmillan Cancer Research shop and was quite the talk of the town.<br><br>\n<b>Men only<\/b><br><br>\nI should add that all my advice is for men. I won\u2019t comment on what women should wear because this has caused me problems in the past, despite the fact I do actually know what I\u2019m talking about.<br><br>\n<b>Hats, hats, hats, hats, hats<\/b><br><br>\nDid I mention hats? If there\u2019s one thing your bonce needs as the temperatures plunge below zero, it\u2019s some head clothing. There\u2019s a lot of buzz about deer-stalkers this season (full disclosure: I\u2019ve just made that up), but if you ask me there\u2019s no need to look further than the balaclava. For the uninitiated, a balaclava is basically a sock for the head. To many they\u2019re synonymous with armed robberies of The Troubles in Ireland, but I love them. I find the idea that people can\u2019t see the expression on my face utterly intoxicating.<br><br>\n<b>Festive jumpers<\/b><br><br>\nA lot of people in this world, whether my ex-wife or otherwise, take themselves way too seriously. But wearing a festive jumper is a sure-fire way to show that you\u2019re not one of these stick-in-the-muds. I once had one depicting Father Christmas pulling a moony and winking. Still cracks me up just thinking about it.<br><br>\n<b>Glovely<\/b><br><br>\nThis season, I\u2019m rocking a pair of slim-profile deerskin driving gloves with cashmere lining. You can\u2019t buy them. Mine are custom-made by a blind woman who goes to church with my assistant. How she hand-stiches them I don\u2019t know but I\u2019m assured her fingers are safety thimbled.<br><br>\n<b>Experiment with colour!<\/b><br><br>\n<p>I have a white roll-neck sweater that went pink after it was put on a hot-wash with red socks by an idiotic Ukrainian ex-girlfriend. I still wear it speed-walking and feel comfortable playing with gender and sexuality, although I am and have always been completely straight.<\/p>\n<b>Check belt sizes<\/b><br><br>\nAlthough adjustable, they do come in different sizes. If I had a pound for every time I had to make extra holes in a big belt with a skewer, I\u2019d have five pounds!<br><br>\n<b>Always be well-shod<\/b><br><br>\nWhile incidents of trench foot and frostbite are rare in the UK, it pays to be prepared. But it\u2019s a little-known fact that footwear can also be fashionable. Gone are the days of all men\u2019s shoes being borderline orthopaedic. These days, for under \u00a350 (not each, shoes are almost always priced as a pair) you can be walking around in footwear that says \u2018I am effing cool right now and I don\u2019t care who knows it\u2019.<br><br>\n<b>Stay dry<\/b><br><br>\nKeep the cosy IN and the weather OUT by investing in a light-weight but robust set of waterproofs. Whether you know it as a cagoule, gabardine, wind jammer, or windcheater, a good quality jacket will keep the top half dry and safe. Below deck, synthetic windcheater pants (also known as &#8220;windpants&#8221;, &#8220;splash pants&#8221; or &#8220;overtrousers&#8221;) shield the legs and butt from damp, chill, gust or splash.<br><br>\n\n<b>Fashion is cyclical.<\/b><br><br>\nAt the moment wearing fur is a no-no, so until it becomes en vogue again (I give it 18 months), try to avoid anything made from dead animal. Inexplicably, that also includes road-kill.\n\n<hr>\n<div class=\"dcr-1nupfq9\" data-gu-name=\"headline\">\n<div class=\"dcr-krkkhw\">\n<div class=\"dcr-13a2edo\">\n<h1 class=\"dcr-17q5ki2\">Alan Partridge: How I became a national treasure<\/h1>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"dcr-zjgnrw\" data-gu-name=\"standfirst\">\n<div class=\" dcr-gv481e\">He was a failed chat show host, now he&#8217;s a movie star: Here Alan charts a remarkable life journey in his own words<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"dcr-pn0kqp\" data-gu-name=\"media\">\n<div class=\"dcr-krkkhw\">\n<div class=\"dcr-16n5mgq\">\n<figure id=\"a78d9083-556e-400e-a217-6293ff8561c0\" class=\"dcr-13udsys\">\n<div class=\"dcr-1b267dg\"><picture class=\"dcr-4zleql\"><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/static\/sys-images\/Guardian\/Pix\/pictures\/2013\/7\/26\/1374841246284\/Alan-Partridge-008.jpg?width=620&amp;quality=45&amp;fit=max&amp;dpr=2&amp;s=b746b7ec4e0c1d9bfa40c38a167bed7d\" media=\"(min-width: 980px) and (-webkit-min-device-pixel-ratio: 1.25), (min-width: 980px) and (min-resolution: 120dpi)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/static\/sys-images\/Guardian\/Pix\/pictures\/2013\/7\/26\/1374841246284\/Alan-Partridge-008.jpg?width=620&amp;quality=85&amp;fit=max&amp;s=53c7b5bceeb2c2f779444f961a17ea1b\" media=\"(min-width: 980px)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/static\/sys-images\/Guardian\/Pix\/pictures\/2013\/7\/26\/1374841246284\/Alan-Partridge-008.jpg?width=700&amp;quality=45&amp;fit=max&amp;dpr=2&amp;s=03a3ba97309588f3a7181ccf7ed91878\" media=\"(min-width: 740px) and (-webkit-min-device-pixel-ratio: 1.25), (min-width: 740px) and (min-resolution: 120dpi)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/static\/sys-images\/Guardian\/Pix\/pictures\/2013\/7\/26\/1374841246284\/Alan-Partridge-008.jpg?width=700&amp;quality=85&amp;fit=max&amp;s=9ef4d5916392e13e2fff94de9fcb91fc\" media=\"(min-width: 740px)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/static\/sys-images\/Guardian\/Pix\/pictures\/2013\/7\/26\/1374841246284\/Alan-Partridge-008.jpg?width=620&amp;quality=45&amp;fit=max&amp;dpr=2&amp;s=b746b7ec4e0c1d9bfa40c38a167bed7d\" media=\"(min-width: 660px) and (-webkit-min-device-pixel-ratio: 1.25), (min-width: 660px) and (min-resolution: 120dpi)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/static\/sys-images\/Guardian\/Pix\/pictures\/2013\/7\/26\/1374841246284\/Alan-Partridge-008.jpg?width=620&amp;quality=85&amp;fit=max&amp;s=53c7b5bceeb2c2f779444f961a17ea1b\" media=\"(min-width: 660px)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/static\/sys-images\/Guardian\/Pix\/pictures\/2013\/7\/26\/1374841246284\/Alan-Partridge-008.jpg?width=645&amp;quality=45&amp;fit=max&amp;dpr=2&amp;s=944ffb6a8faefe8be9e4bab98f0dbf90\" media=\"(min-width: 480px) and (-webkit-min-device-pixel-ratio: 1.25), (min-width: 480px) and (min-resolution: 120dpi)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/static\/sys-images\/Guardian\/Pix\/pictures\/2013\/7\/26\/1374841246284\/Alan-Partridge-008.jpg?width=645&amp;quality=85&amp;fit=max&amp;s=a0e82117218fe483364043b9a8124f51\" media=\"(min-width: 480px)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/static\/sys-images\/Guardian\/Pix\/pictures\/2013\/7\/26\/1374841246284\/Alan-Partridge-008.jpg?width=465&amp;quality=45&amp;fit=max&amp;dpr=2&amp;s=6e7d67d7411c37254c69f79d2d5d2e44\" media=\"(min-width: 320px) and (-webkit-min-device-pixel-ratio: 1.25), (min-width: 320px) and (min-resolution: 120dpi)\" \/><source srcset=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/static\/sys-images\/Guardian\/Pix\/pictures\/2013\/7\/26\/1374841246284\/Alan-Partridge-008.jpg?width=465&amp;quality=85&amp;fit=max&amp;s=415459bd1d5afd4ed9bdd971ac3c4a50\" media=\"(min-width: 320px)\" \/><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"dcr-4zleql\" src=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/static\/sys-images\/Guardian\/Pix\/pictures\/2013\/7\/26\/1374841246284\/Alan-Partridge-008.jpg?width=620&amp;quality=85&amp;fit=max&amp;s=53c7b5bceeb2c2f779444f961a17ea1b\" alt=\"Alan Partridge\" width=\"460\" height=\"276\" \/><\/picture><\/div>\n<figcaption class=\"dcr-5yynor\"><span class=\"dcr-1f2y4fi\">Alan Partridge<\/span><\/figcaption>\n<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"dcr-1o781fl\" data-gu-name=\"lines\">\n<div class=\"dcr-krkkhw\">\n<div class=\"dcr-ss9mnu\">\u00a0<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<aside class=\"dcr-1aul2ye\" data-gu-name=\"meta\">\n<div class=\"dcr-krkkhw\">\n<div class=\" dcr-ss9mnu\">\n<div class=\"dcr-1eucl2a\">\n<div class=\"dcr-fj5ypv\">\n<div class=\"dcr-1b2hahh\">\u00a0<\/div>\n<div><address aria-label=\"Contributor info\" data-component=\"meta-byline\" data-link-name=\"byline\">\n<div class=\" dcr-wj7ien\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.theguardian.com\/profile\/alan-partridge\" rel=\"author\" data-link-name=\"auto tag link\">Alan Partridge<\/a><\/div>\n<\/address>\n<div class=\"dcr-km9fgb\">Sat 27 Jul 2013 06.00 BST<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"dcr-15yir0q\" data-print-layout=\"hide\">\n<div class=\" dcr-1jafwuq\">\u00a0<\/div>\n<div class=\" dcr-1ni4us3\">\n<div class=\"dcr-1kr2ya4\">\n<div class=\"meta-number\">\n<div data-testid=\"long-comment-count\" aria-hidden=\"true\">\u00a0<\/div>\n<div class=\"css-pbkcyu\" data-testid=\"long-comment-count\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><span class=\"dcr-1i2w9iu\" style=\"font-size: inherit;\"><span class=\"dcr-1jnp7wy\">L<\/span><\/span><span class=\"dcr-139bh9t\" style=\"font-size: inherit;\">ast week on Mid-Morning Matters, my radio and TV show (there&#8217;s a webcam), I hosted a phone-in that questioned for the first time Jesus&#8217;s ability to walk on water. My own theories include &#8220;thick layer of ice below surface&#8221; and &#8220;submerged jetty&#8221;. Yet many of my callers refused to scrutinise Jesus&#8217;s deeds at all, preferring to take them at face value, even if that betrayed a lack of intellectual curiosity. I was saddened by that, so when I was asked to sum up why I&#8217;ve become a national treasure, I wanted to look at the facts.<\/span><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/aside>\n<div class=\"dcr-1jw1u7l\" data-gu-name=\"body\">\n<div class=\"dcr-3yvhhs\">\n<div id=\"maincontent\" class=\"dcr-7sthwg\" tabindex=\"0\">\n<div class=\"article-body-commercial-selector article-body-viewer-selector  dcr-18wsxay\">\n<p class=\"dcr-139bh9t\">What is a national treasure? When does a man or, to a lesser extent, woman go from being roundly liked (James May) to loved \u2013 sewn into the fabric of British life like an ear grafted on to a mouse&#8217;s back? It&#8217;s a funny thing, national treasurehood. It&#8217;s not like other hoods, such as &#8220;neighbourhood&#8221; or &#8220;Robin Hood&#8221; or &#8220;extractor fan hood&#8221;. It&#8217;s a concept that&#8217;s hard to define and even harder to grasp.<\/p>\n<p class=\"dcr-139bh9t\">Yet it&#8217;s the Holy Grail (a kind of Middle Eastern cup) for those in the public eye. Kay Burley has a ringbinder on the subject, a dossier of newspaper cuttings she uses to work out why Clare Balding, say, is adored, whereas she has to spend her summer holidays writing to universities to ask for honorary degrees.<\/p>\n<p class=\"dcr-139bh9t\">In the male TV presenter category, the field is more crowded but I think it&#8217;s fair to say I&#8217;m there or thereabouts. For whatever reason, Eamonn Holmes and myself have broken away from the peloton of over-50s male broadcasters. Alastair Stewart, John Stapleton and Nick Owen huff and puff without gaining ground, while Schofield and Madeley have had to stop by a safety car to be sick (still metaphor). Eamonn and I seem to have gone from strength to strength. Watching him in a bar, working the room, helping himself to crisps and nuts, it&#8217;s easy to see why he insists the make-up girls at Sky call him Mr Brilliant.<\/p>\n<p class=\"dcr-139bh9t\">I like to think I share that standing. &#8220;How can you? You&#8217;re not even on the telly,&#8221; he jokes, before laughing while making a &#8220;dzaaah&#8221; sound with his mouth which would make some people want to thump him in his stupid throat, but which I find genuinely endearing. He&#8217;s forgetting that I&#8217;ve done all that. In the 90s, I broadcast to nationwide audiences thanks to two series of my TV chat show Knowing Me, Knowing You (only one was broadcast, the other mapped out on a flipchart). More recently, on local radio, I&#8217;ve sought to refine my audience to a smaller group \u2013 sometimes as low as 200 in half-term holidays. But it means I&#8217;m making an ever-more personal connection with the public.<\/p>\n<p class=\"dcr-139bh9t\">So why me? Why am I clutched to the nation&#8217;s breasts? It&#8217;s because I&#8217;m normal. I&#8217;m one of you. I do what you guys do. Get up on a Saturday, make a batch of granola, put some toast on before doing a dozen lunges in front of Saturday Kitchen. (Note to the producers: drop the Omelette Challenge. Just admit it&#8217;s not working. It reveals next to nothing about the respective culinary skills of the competitors and the raw product served up sets back public confidence in eggs two decades or more. Grow up.)<\/p>\n<p class=\"dcr-139bh9t\">And that normality, that common touch, that easy way of using slang expressions instead of big words when addressing workmen, has elevated me to national treasurehood. And for that, I thank each and every one of you. Thank you. Each and every one of you.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<hr>\n\n<div class=\"col-sm-12\">\n<h1 class=\"post-title\">Alan Partridge exclusive Cineworld interview<\/h1>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"col-sm-8 blog-main-content\">\n<div class=\"screen-poster\">\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"img-responsive aligncenter\" src=\"https:\/\/web.archive.org\/web\/20210228222641im_\/https:\/\/www.cineworld.co.uk\/xmedia-cw\/repo\/articles\/hero\/25651.gif\" alt=\"screen-poster\"><\/p>\n<div class=\"poster-caption\">&nbsp;<\/div>\n<div class=\"share-article\"><span class=\"postDate\">Friday, 2 August 2013<\/span><\/div>\n<div class=\"descr\">\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright\" src=\"https:\/\/web.archive.org\/web\/20210228222641im_\/https:\/\/www.cineworld.co.uk\/xmedia-cw\/repo\/articles\/other\/25653.gif\" alt=\"\">Alan Partridge hits Cineworld screens on 7 August in&nbsp;<a href=\"https:\/\/web.archive.org\/web\/20210228222641\/https:\/\/www.cineworld.co.uk\/films\/6338\">Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa<\/a>. You may have noticed over the past few weeks that we\u2019ve teased you with snippets of Alan\u2019s stint as guest editor on the August issue of Cineworld magazine.<\/p>\n<p>Well, enough of sating your appetites! We\u2019re delighted to bring you the full interview that we conducted with Alan as part of the magazine. Read on as he reveals juicy snippets, such as who would play him in a filmed version of his autobiography and how he manages to broadcast his entire radio show on Twitter\u2026<\/p>\n<p><strong>Hello, Alan. Thanks for sparing us time today.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Absolute pleasure. Plus it\u2019s contractual.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Can you tell us a bit about Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Certainly can and will! It\u2019s a powerful piece of work with a capital POW (my phrase). And, like all the great movies, it centres on an incident on the outskirts of Norwich. Critics have described the movie as \u2018moving\u2019, \u2018great\u2019, \u2018poetic\u2019, \u2018life-affirming\u2019, \u2018action-packed\u2019, \u2018great\u2019, \u2018superb\u2019 and \u2018one of the best ever\u2019. I don\u2019t have their names to hand but I could get them for you if you think I\u2019m making it up. But all I\u2019d say is, not all critics have to be published journalists. You could be a critic, I could, my assistant could, some of the people on my pub quiz team could (and are).<\/p>\n<p><strong>Were you interested in film when you were growing up?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>I was intoxicated and interested by film, bewitched and bewildered, consumed and concerned. That\u2019s why I get so angry when people suggest I know nothing about cinema.<\/p>\n<p>I know loads about cinema. As a child, there was nothing I enjoyed more than taking a stroll to the local picture house, buying a big tub of poppers (my nickname for popcorn) and watching Transformers 2, for example, before driving home.<\/p>\n<p>My walls were decked with film posters featuring Burt Reynolds, Rog Moore and, in my sexually curious years, blue-movie star Robin Askwith and the woman who went on to play Alma in Coronation Street. I also have a voucher that entitles me to a certain number of cinema trips over a certain period of time (not read the details) so it\u2019s clear I\u2019m passionate about film.<\/p>\n<p><strong>What do you think of the state of the arts in this country at the moment?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>I think it needs a kick up the arm, to be absolutely honest with you. We used to be a nation of Shakespeare, Wordsworth, Constable and Essex (David).<\/p>\n<p>Today, we\u2019re a cultural backwater, a barren concrete wasteland strewn with stolen shopping trolleys and back-chatting kids where the closest we come to art is an obscene message about someone\u2019s mother scrawled on the wall of a filthy underpass. British people \u2013 once proud, clever people \u2013 now guzzle up television that I frankly could spit at and sometimes do.<\/p>\n<p>And the only movies we produce are about 20th century monarchs or teenagers with bad attitudes. I blame almost all of this on the former Labour government. That\u2019s where I come in. I genuinely believe that my film could spark a cultural renaissance as cultural as the Renaissance.<img decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter\" src=\"https:\/\/web.archive.org\/web\/20210228222641im_\/https:\/\/www.cineworld.co.uk\/xmedia-cw\/repo\/articles\/other\/25654.gif\" alt=\"\"><\/p>\n<p><strong>Are you promoting this film in any innovative ways?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>I was hoping to organise a fly-past by the Red Arrows. But it hit the&nbsp;buffers early on when I couldn\u2019t figure out where I wanted them to fly past. Also I wanted it done in the evening but apparently the Red Arrows boys knock off at five so they can get down to the pub by ten past.<\/p>\n<p>So at the moment my main idea is to lease a small fleet of cars, strap a giant inflatable Alan Partridge to the roof racks of each one and send them out around the ring roads in the UK. I feel it\u2019s a really strong concept.<\/p>\n<p>I saw a prototype of the inflatable the other day and \u2013 if I\u2019m honest \u2013 it looked more like Clare Balding than it did Alan Partridge. But she\u2019s a fine-looking woman and if an eight-foot likeness of her draws people to see the film, then as far as I\u2019m concerned it\u2019s all gravy.<\/p>\n<p><strong>This film isn\u2019t your first foray into the arts. You\u2019ve also published an autobiography, which was a real warts \u2018n\u2019 all portrayal of your life<\/strong>.<\/p>\n<p>It was warts, verrucas, moles, psoriasis, the lot. I\u2019d even include the blackheads on my nose. I looked at them with a shaving mirror the other day actually. Disgusting. It was like the world\u2019s most densely-packed dot-to-dot puzzle. I tried to get rid of them with a blackhead gun made out of a ballpoint pen. But there were simply too many. I just ended up with slightly fewer blackheads and a very red nose. Hey-ho.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Would you ever consider turning the autobiography into a biopic?<\/strong>&nbsp;<strong>Who would play you?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Morgan Freeman. Or ITV man John Stapleton. He\u2019s not known as an actor \u2013 but he will be. I\u2019ve seen him act out domestic arguments and exchanges with shopkeepers and I\u2019ve seen enough to know he will become one of our best-loved actors. He has bags of talent.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Do you still pitch TV show ideas?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Not really. I still have killer ideas. They mainly come to me when I\u2019m singing in the bath. Yesterday I came up with Britain\u2019s Biggest Cobbler, for example (there are some huge ones in Norfolk, real big lads). But I don\u2019t pitch them any more. The audiences just aren\u2019t there. Everyone\u2019s got six hundred channels to choose from. Not to mention catch-up TV.<\/p>\n<p>No mate, TV\u2019s dead. Digital radio, on the other hand, now that\u2019s an exciting place to be. Anyone in the world with an internet connection can tune in to my weekday morning show on North Norfolk Digital. For all I know I could have a dedicated fan base in China. Indeed if this Cineworld magazine has reached any of you, Ni hao.<\/p>\n<p><strong><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright\" src=\"https:\/\/web.archive.org\/web\/20210228222641im_\/https:\/\/www.cineworld.co.uk\/xmedia-cw\/repo\/articles\/other\/25655.gif\" alt=\"\">Are you on Twitter?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Am I on Twitter? I broadcast my show over Twitter.<\/p>\n<p><strong>How does that work?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>I employ an agency secretary to transcribe the four-hour show, divide it into 140-character chunks and post it line-by-line. Some refuse to type out the song lyrics. Others don\u2019t mind. Depends which one you get.<\/p>\n<p><strong>A lot of celebs find Twitter a pretty hostile place. Do you?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>The complete opposite. To me, it\u2019s a hug from a cherished relative; a pat on the back from an old chum. Yeah, there are sly comments about the clothes I wear. Sure, there are snide remarks about my radio show. And obviously there are a fair smattering of death threats.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Well thanks for talking to us today, Alan. We hope Alpha Papa does really well.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Me too. I\u2019ve got a loft extension riding on it.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<hr>\n<img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/images.squarespace-cdn.com\/content\/v1\/54a29eede4b05ce481fc3cf3\/1420983437258-A6W3U5UE0LJYGCCZM9Q6\/285_cover_alanv7.jpg\" width=\"720\">\n<p><h2>I\u2019m Alan Partridge and I\u2019m proud to be the new culture editor of ShortList magazine.<\/h2><\/p>\n<p>Having never read the magazine myself (don\u2019t like public transport), I\u2019m told it\u2019s a chink of light, a fleeting crumb of comfort for the poor fools crammed into our nation\u2019s buses and trains.<\/p>\n<p>And that hit home with me. As a daytime radio broadcaster in East Anglia, I, too, offer hope to the hopeless, joy to the grumpy. It\u2019s a sad fact that the housewives and jobless who form almost 70 per cent of my audience are worryingly prone to alcoholism (housewives) and suicide (jobless) \u2013 as are many of you.<\/p>\n<p>If my guest-editing of this magazine can convince even one person to put down the bottle\/shotgun, then I\u2019ll have done my job.<\/p>\n<p>(This is also an opportunity to promote my film.)<\/p>\n<p>Thank you.<\/p>\n<p>Alan Partridge,<\/p>\n<p>Cultural Editor<\/p>\n<p>_________________________<\/p>\n<h3>Partridge on Inferno<\/h3>\n<p><strong>With the news that Dan Brown\u2019s Inferno is set for a big-screen adaptation, with Tom Hanks returning as Robert Langdon, our culture editor shares his thoughts on the novel&#8230;<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>There aren\u2019t many novelists whose books compel me to read passages aloud to couples I\u2019ve only just met on holiday, but in Crete four years ago I was like a pool-side Jackanory, holding forth to Brits and Germans alike with page after page of page-turning pages.<\/p>\n<p>The novelist was Dan Brown. The book, The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown (also a major motion picture) and, as well as being sizzling vac-lit (vacation literature, my phrase), it has basically rewritten European history and all theology ever. It really is the \u2018god\u2019s bollocks\u2019.<\/p>\n<p>Inferno, the third of Brown\u2019s masterpieces, again follows Robert Langdon \u2013 the fictional professor of symbology that is, not the Robert Langdon who runs DPL Car Audio in Hemsby! Two very different characters, I assure you.<\/p>\n<p>Dan Brown\u2019s Robert Langdon isn\u2019t from Orkney. Nor does he cheat on his wife. Nor does he owe me two grand.<\/p>\n<p>The book\u2019s too complicated to describe, but it\u2019s very excellent.<\/p>\n<p><em>Dan Brown\u2019s Inferno is out now. The film is due in cinemas December 2015<\/em><\/p>\n<p>_____________________________<\/p>\n\n<img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/images.squarespace-cdn.com\/content\/v1\/54a29eede4b05ce481fc3cf3\/1420983445946-0CN1CUKSULDBIZF8SC60\/285_feat_alan-1.jpg\" width=\"720\">\n<h3>Pints &amp; Pistachios Pub Review&#8230;<\/h3>\n<p><strong>Maid\u2019s Head Hotel, Norwich. 20 Tombland, NR3 <\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Sat at the bar one night, I was distracted by a nice daydream and spilled about a gulpful of beer on the bar. I\u2019ll never forget what happened next. The barman turned round and \u2013 get this \u2013 apologised to me, before wiping up the mess and<\/p>\n<p>topping up my glass. Whether he had poor spatial awareness or was just staggeringly servile, I don\u2019t know. But I repeated the spill three or four times with the same result. When my guest arrived, we retreated to a quiet corner and laughed for ages. And that\u2019s why this is my favourite Norfolk pub.<\/p>\n<p><em><a class=\"link-external\" href=\"http:\/\/maidsheadhotel.co.uk\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" rev=\"85872\">maidsheadhotel.co.uk<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n<p>_____________________________<\/p>\n<h3>Book review<\/h3>\n<p><strong>I, Partridge (Reviewed by me, Alan Partridge<\/strong>)<\/p>\n<p>My memoir, I, Partridge, is my favourite ever book. I\u2019ve had my copy clad in deerskin to match my driving gloves, and that natural touch makes the tome feel like a living, breathing piece of work, although I\u2019m assured the deer was dead when skinned. People say, \u201cBut is it any good, Alan?\u201d Well, the book was first printed in hardback \u2013 quite a coup for a fledgling writer \u2013 and its success was such that it was reprinted again months later as a paperback, with slightly different artwork. Soon after, I was invited to lay down an audiobook \u2013 so the book could be enjoyed even by people who hate books.<\/p>\n<p>It was also digitised into an e-book. Why would the publisher go to the trouble of distributing the work in four formats if they didn\u2019t think it was brilliant? Think about it.<\/p>\n<p><em>AP \u00a37.99<\/em><\/p>\n<p>_____________________________<\/p>\n<h3>To Do List &#8211; Date for your diary<\/h3>\n<p><strong>St Luke\u2019s Bring and Buy Sale<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Every Saturday at St Luke\u2019s Church &amp; Community Centre, 61 Rigbourne Hill, NR34; free; becclesparish.org.uk<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>You could do worse then head to the weekly Saturday morning bring and buy sale at St Luke\u2019s Church Hall in Beccles. It\u2019s a magnet for people who like to buy chipped crockery, knackered board games and the shoes of dead people.<\/p>\n<p>I tend to go down there whenever I\u2019m a bit short of cash. I fill the boot with tat from my local Mencap store, then sell it for twice what I paid for it. I absolutely rinse them. You\u2019re supposed to give 10 per cent of all your profits to the church\u2019s Africa appeal, but I prefer to give it to my own favourite charity, the National Trust. AP<\/p>\n<p>_____________________________<\/p>\n<h3>Alan&#8217;s Movie Choice<\/h3>\n<p><strong>Titanic (12A)<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>What a film. When I heard Titanic had a budget of $200m, I was instantly hooked as I love expensive films and expensive items in general. Seems I wasn\u2019t alone! With an initial worldwide gross of over $1.84bn, Titanic was the first film to reach the billion-dollar mark. A 3D version earned an additional $343.6m worldwide, pushing Titanic\u2019s worldwide total to a sweet $2.18bn. Haven\u2019t seen it myself but, as I say, what a film. AP<\/p>\n<p><em>Prince Charles Cinema, 3 Aug, 12.15pm; 20th Century Fox<\/em><\/p>\n<p>_____________________________<\/p>\n<h3>Health and Fitness<\/h3>\n<p><strong>Push it like Partridge: Our culture editor reveals the secret to gaining a much sought after six-pack<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>A retired headmistress I was briefly dating said I had the BMI and muscle definition of a man five-sixths my age. I\u2019d stood up in my underpants to show off the results of a Sizzling Summer abs workout I\u2019d read in the Daily Mail\u2019s Femail magazine, and while my abdomen wasn\u2019t anything like a six-pack, I enjoyed being able to slap my belly without it making a loud clap. Standing there in the flickering light of a portable TV, letting the former educator look at my body and finish her cigarette, I pledged to remember how good it felt to be fit and strong and promised myself I would develop a workout that could keep me in good shape for ever, and which I could pass on to others.<\/p>\n<p>I never got round to developing that workout. I was distracted trying to get<\/p>\n<p>a towbar fitted to my car for under \u00a3150, and forgot all about the day in Celine\u2019s bedroom. If you do want to get in shape, though, try to find some old copies of Femail magazine, because the Sizzling Summer abs workout was in there. It would have been around April or May 2011. Think it was Femail anyway. The gist of it was \u2018do lots of sit-ups\u2019.<\/p>\n<p>The thing I focus on most these days is diet. I\u2019ve read that Japanese people live longest and I know some people say you should eat Far Eastern food. But I\u2019m not so sure. For example, order a noodle soup from Wagamamamas and you\u2019re presented with chopsticks and a spoon \u2013 and a tactical conundrum. You see,<\/p>\n<p>it\u2019s down to you to regulate your consumption of solids and broth. Too much of the former and you\u2019re left with a puddle of empty soup, too much of the latter and it\u2019s a cold nest of noodles. It took so much of my concentration, I neglected to chat with my guest, Glen. In the end, I thought, \u201cSod this\u201d and went and bought a Whopper.<\/p>\n<p>_____________________________<\/p>\n<h3>Alan \u2019s Essential Sport Gear<\/h3>\n<p><strong>Speedo Competition Nose Clip (left)<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Who says water doesn\u2019t burn? Swim through a chlorine-filled pool with your nostrils open and brace yourself for sinus napalm. But this sleek, aquadynamic clip clamps the nostrils firmly shut providing real peace of mind. Comes with reusable case.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Swiggies Wrist Water Bottles (middle)<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>The biggest advance in hands-free exercise innovation since the fanny pack. Some people think wearing a bottle makes you look stupid, but they\u2019re wrong. It looks superb. Like Julia Bradbury, these are good-looking, lightweight and practical.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Montane Terra Pants (right) <\/strong><\/p>\n<p>A hardwearing trouser highly recommended by Ben Fogle and Alan Partridge. Both buy theirs from Rathbones in Keswick before heading deep into the Lake District. Ben, in order to hike. Alan, to sit in silence and think.<\/p>\n<img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/images.squarespace-cdn.com\/content\/v1\/54a29eede4b05ce481fc3cf3\/1420983443729-NLN7QRNR64TYDMTG88HM\/285_feat_alan-2.jpg?format=1500w\" width=\"720\">\n<hr>\n\n<div class=\"heading\">\n<h2 class=\"title\">PARTRIDGE IS BACK<\/h2>\n<h3 class=\"subheading\">His first interview in a decade<\/h3>\n<\/div>\n<div id=\"article\">\n<div class=\"stand-first\">\n<p>Has he left the BBC for good? What became of&nbsp;<em>Monkey Tennis?<\/em>&nbsp;Will there ever be a follow-up to&nbsp;<em>Bouncing Back<\/em>? Alan Partridge&#8217;s triumphant return in new online show&nbsp;<em>Mid-Morning Matters<\/em>&nbsp;has thrown up some big questions. ShortList shared a Blue Nun with Norfolk&#8217;s premier broadcaster to find the answers. And he&#8217;s keen to set the record straight.<\/p>\n<p>Shortlist &#8211; 2011<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p><strong>Why have you been off our screens and airwaves for so long?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Far from being \u201coff\u201d the airwaves \u2013 which\u2019d be news to the listeners who\u2019ve spent their mid-mornings with me for the last four years \u2013 I\u2019ve actually broadened my audience massively. My BBC chatshow was watched by a cool 900,000 viewers. Mid-Morning Matters, available online, has a potential audience of 1.9 billion. That\u2019s an increase of 211,000% \u2013 the kind of numbers BBC execs would cream themselves over.<\/p>\n<p><strong>You\u2019ve had trouble with commissioners in the past. Can you let us in on any recent show ideas that were rejected?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>If you want to sneer at me about Monkey Tennis, come out and say it. Because my response is easy. Ridiculed by the British cleverati, Monkey Tennis was snapped up by TV stations in Laos and Taiwan and ran for two successful years. I exec produced for a fee that almost exactly covered the cost of my air fare. After two series, the format reached the end of its natural life and the monkeys were quickly and humanely destroyed.<\/p>\n<p>I no longer pitch television shows.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Had any reality TV offers you\u2019ve turned down?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>I wouldn\u2019t have time to take part in any. Period. The diaries of other celebs might be empty, but mine is ram-a-jammed. On Saturday, for example, I saw that Strictly Come Dancing was on. How could I have found time go along and do a rhumba this weekend? I had to re-grout the downstairs Khazi.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Mid-Morning Matters will see you make your online debut. What\u2019s the best and worst thing about the Internet age?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Good question(s)! The worst thing is the paranoia. For some time, I refused to point the webcam directly at me because I was told that doing so would reveal my banking details. In actual fact, if someone points a webcam directly at you, it does not reveal your banking details.<\/p>\n<p><strong>You\u2019ve bounced back again, have you got any more books in the pipeline?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Nothing concrete. I submitted a few pages of a novel to a publisher friend who described it as \u2018Titchmarsh Lite\u2019. Pretty encouraged by that, so I think I might pursue it. I read the Independent Lite the other day and it\u2019s much better than The Independent.<\/p>\n<p><strong>A new government has been installed since we last saw you. What do you think of them and the recent cuts?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m just delighted that Cleggy\u2019s got himself involved. Seems like a thoroughly OK chap to me. He has no real power but he gets to swan around Downing Street. Think about it \u2013 free teas and coffees, use of the photocopier, if he runs out of loo roll at home he can just nick some from number 10, that kind of thing. It sounds very pleasant to me.<\/p>\n<p><strong>What have you had to give up because of the recession?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>My monthly donation to Oxfam. Very sad, but with the price of petrol ever-rising, I really do need that pound.<\/p>\n<p><strong>You recently made an angry phone call to Kasabian\u2019s Tom Meighan, what went on there? Which modern music acts are you a fan of and which can\u2019t you stand?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m actually thinking of going into music management. Last Wednesday I saw a mind-blowing new band called Dr Phil. Rather wonderfully, the lead singer is actually a doctor. (Though he\u2019s not called Phil.)<\/p>\n<p>How can I describe their sound? Well other than just using the word \u2018incredible\u2019, I\u2019d say they were like a cross between the best of the Tears for Fears (the band, not the album) and the best of Genesis (the album).<\/p>\n<p><strong>If you had been trapped in with the Chilean miners how would you have passed the time?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>By mining.<\/p>\n<p><strong>What\u2019s your love life like at the moment and are there any women in the public eye you\u2019re particularly fond of?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Hey, I\u2019m not ashamed to say I lead a healthy sex life. Fact is, women prefer men of a certain age. We take our time \u2013 have to, for cardiovascular reasons. But time has been kind to me, and I\u2019ve morphed into a fairly attentive and quite generous lover. Have I shocked you? Are you shocked by this? I offer no apology. Yesteryear I\u2019d never have dreamt about broaching this subject, but right now I take pride in my lovemaking. Next question.<\/p>\n<p><strong>It\u2019s two years since Sachsgate. Tell us about your biggest on-air blunder.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>On my TV chat show, I accidentally shot a man dead with a gun. Does that count or do want me to say another one?<\/p>\n<p><strong>As a former sports broadcaster, what was your take on recent sporting scandals involving Tiger Woods, Wayne Rooney and John terry?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Each of those guys are big. And big men have needs. Especially when they\u2019re fit. Quite simply, if you get a big man in shape he\u2019s going to have sex. My question is more about just how rampant these men are. For example, what would happen if you locked Tiger Woods in a room with Wayne Rooney, but Wayne Rooney was wearing a dress and a full face of make-up? Certainly makes you think.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chris Moyles recently complained on air about not getting paid. Did you understand where he was coming from and have you experienced anything similar?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Chris Moyles reminds me very much of me when I was younger. He\u2019s probably my favourite modern disc jockey \u2013 edgy, knowing and cool. They should pay him on time. Come on BBC! Pay Chris on time!<\/p>\n<p>North Norfolk Digital is owned by Gordale Media \u2013 and they\u2019re famously prompt payers. Besides, their CFO lives round the corner so I sometimes pop round and collect it.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Did you throw your hat in the ring to replace Jonathan Ross at the BBC?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Chat can be a very powerful thing. Like a new-born baby or nuclear waste, it needs to be handled with care. That\u2019s why I\u2019m delighted that Ross is to be replaced by Norton. Yes he\u2019ll take prime time-chat in a new, more Irish direction. But I\u2019m fine with that. He\u2019s served his time on BBC2, now he\u2019s ready to cross-over to BBC1 and play with the big boys. (Not literally. His sexuality is neither here nor there.)<\/p>\n<p>Writen by<\/p>\n<p>Armando Iannucci<\/p>\n<p>Steve Coogan<\/p>\n<p>Neil Gibbons<\/p>\n<p>Rob Gibbons<\/p>\n<\/div><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n\n\n<div class=\"pld-like-dislike-wrap pld-template-1\">\r\n    <div class=\"pld-like-wrap  pld-common-wrap\">\r\n    <a href=\"javascript:void(0)\" class=\"pld-like-trigger pld-like-dislike-trigger  \" title=\"\" data-post-id=\"1694\" data-trigger-type=\"like\" data-restriction=\"cookie\" data-already-liked=\"0\">\r\n                        <i class=\"fas fa-thumbs-up\"><\/i>\r\n                <\/a>\r\n    <span class=\"pld-like-count-wrap pld-count-wrap\">3    <\/span>\r\n<\/div><div class=\"pld-dislike-wrap  pld-common-wrap\">\r\n    <a href=\"javascript:void(0)\" class=\"pld-dislike-trigger pld-like-dislike-trigger  \" title=\"\" data-post-id=\"1694\" data-trigger-type=\"dislike\" data-restriction=\"cookie\" data-already-liked=\"0\">\r\n                        <i class=\"fas fa-thumbs-down\"><\/i>\r\n                <\/a>\r\n    <span class=\"pld-dislike-count-wrap pld-count-wrap\">0<\/span>\r\n<\/div><\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Alan Partridge on teen years, getting older and why, in a way, he\u2019s always been a chat show host Alan Partridge has been a constant on our TVs and airwaves&hellip; <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":668,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[5,148],"tags":[351],"class_list":["post-1694","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-comedy","category-steve-coogan-comedians","tag-alan-partridge"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/couchtripper.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1694","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/couchtripper.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/couchtripper.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/couchtripper.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/couchtripper.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1694"}],"version-history":[{"count":51,"href":"https:\/\/couchtripper.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1694\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":8021,"href":"https:\/\/couchtripper.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1694\/revisions\/8021"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/couchtripper.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/668"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/couchtripper.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1694"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/couchtripper.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1694"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/couchtripper.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1694"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}