EE: Walford's martial tribes go to war

[faceless]

Walford’s martial tribes go to war
DAVID BELCHER
December 12 2007
www.theherald.co.uk


It's never the jolliest or most welcoming of places, Albert Square in Walford, is it? A gloomy south-British inner-city stink-hole poisoned by vengeful threats, ominous mutterings, thwarted aspirations, murderous Machiavellian machinations and that's just the local 10-year-olds. Yup, it's long been plain that the adults in EastEnders are never more than two storylines away from scheming a deadly blood-bath. Now their offspring are at it.

Crazed with jealousy, ambitious sub-teen thespians Abi Branning and Ben Mitchell plotted to rub out the classmate who'd been given the plum role - Mary - in Walford primary school's nativity play. "It don't feel, you know, very Christian," young Ben cavilled belatedly as their whack on Mary neared fruition. "Of course it doesn't, Ben - this is showbusiness," snorted Abi with an all-too-stagey toss of her hair.

Luckily for Jesus's mum, Abi and Ben only succeeded in damaging their teacher's ankle when she accidentally triggered their trap, an artfully placed skateboard. The grown-up Brannings and Mitchells will doubtless roar their approval when they find out about the havoc their little 'uns have wreaked.

For these martial tribes are both currently cruisin' for a right old Albert Square bruisin'. Dodgy Walford new-boy Jack Branning - who used to be dodgy Sun Hill copper Phil Hunter in The Bill - is at war with his own brother, Max, as well as with Phil Mitchell, long-established king of Albert Square's moody whisperers.

Nightclub-owner Jack is the sort of smoothie who consciously irks his brother by nipping round to his gaff when he's out, in order to wax snake-eyed at his pregnant sister-in-law. Big-shot Jack is the sort who pays for a £2.80 fry-up in Kathy's Cafe with a fiver - asserting "keep the change" with a reckless bravado that would prompt a lynch mob in any nosherie patronised by Aberdonians.

'Course, fing is, squire, EastEnders ain't got no Aberdonians. Aside from one dodgy Manc, usually to be found lurking nefariously on behalf of Phil Mitchell, it's all yer ackshul Lahndaners, spouting fluent Lahndanese. The Old Vic's landlady, Peggy, says Lahndanese stuff like: "Vis pab's got our blad rannin' froo it." Phil Mitchell enlists Max to his plot against brother Jack by whispering: "We're gunna get rid of 'im. We're gunna do it tah-gevva, and we're gunna do it tah-noit!" But I reckon Phil would do well to remember Max's fraternal insight into Jack: eeza geeza 'oo knows all ver right people in all ver wrong plices. EastEnders: it's most definitely the wrong place for entertainment.

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[Skylace]

When Abi said that is was show business to Ben and flicked her hair I laughed out loud. It was a classic moment.

[thatcomedian]

[11antoniacourt]