It's a cracker !!

[Brown Sauce]

A woman was walking through a cemetery when she spied a man crouched behind a tombstone. She greeted him with a cheery, "'Morning!"
He answered, "No. Just having a piss."

[Brown Sauce]

A koala was sitting on a gum tree....... smoking a joint



when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'



The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala
where they enjoyed a few joints.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry'
and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far
over and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and
helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard,
'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he
was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree,
got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked
into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was
sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
'Hey you!'



So the koala looked down at him and said,



'FFAAAARKK dude.....
How much water did you drink?!!'

[luke]

[Brown Sauce]

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago..'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal'.

[Brown Sauce]

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

The Aussie said 'One!'

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale for?'

'£124,237.64p.'

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'

'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'

'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...

'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

[Brown Sauce]

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the
Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

She went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking
slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane
and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

Pardon me, sir, Im Rebecca Smith from CNN. Whats your name?"

Morris Fishbein, he replied.

Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?

For about 60 years.

60 years! Thats amazing! What do you pray for?

I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.

I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.

I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow
man.

And how do you feel after doing this for 60 years?

Like I'm talking to a fucking brick wall!"

Sadly ...

[pirtybirdy]

[Brown Sauce]

The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning,
"its so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly
struggling, and facing the impossible" said Jamal Omboto, aged 6.

[Brown Sauce]

I was having sex with my girlfriend the other day when suddenly I stopped mid-thrust and stood really still.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Something I learnt from watching people having sex on the internet. It's called 'buffering'."

[Brown Sauce]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained
consciousness.

Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on
the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and
everything, but...

"Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the
fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were
unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in
insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to
build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did
- better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's
£1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you
to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd
better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch
one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be
a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you
decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be
disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping
you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have
you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.



"We're having granite worktops."


> >

[Brown Sauce]

After having dug to a depth of 5 metres last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 10 metres and shortly after published a story in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier that the British."

Recently, Australia's Northern Territory News reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 2 metres in his Tennant Creek backyard, Lucky Bunji, a self-taught indigenous archaeologist reported that he found absolutely fuck-all, and therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."

[eefanincan]

[pirtybirdy]

[Brown Sauce]

My mates wife has just left him. Took his satellite dish & all his Bob Marley records. Poor bastard. No woman, No sky.

[Sera_6969]

Fernando Torres turns up at Stamford Bridge with a back-pack. The security guard worriedly ask him what he's got in the bag. He replies "Porno dvd's, counterfeit match day tickets, replica shirts, some drugs and a gun." The security guard says, "Thank fuck for that... I thought you'd brought your boots!"