National Television Awards

[faceless]

Best Entertainment Show: X Factor
Best Drama: Dr Who
Best Entertainment presenters: Ant and Dec
Best Actress: Billie Piper
Best Actor: David Tennant
Best Soap: Eastenders
Best Newcomer: Charlie Clements
Best Comedy: Little Britain
Best Quiz: Ant and Dec's Gameshow Marathon
Best Factual: Top Gear
Best Daytime Show: Deal Or No Deal
Best Reality: Big Brother
Best TV Contender: Big Brother's Nikki

You can watch video of the event here: www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,11021-10043,00.html

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I think I'd agree with a fair few of these results, but Billie Piper as best actress, Eastenders as best soap and Nikki as best contender? Bloody hell!

Billie Piper is ok, but running about shouting and looking scared doesn't make a good actor! Eastenders had the worst ratings of its entire life, so how can it win the award for best drama and as far as Nikki Grahame is concerned? CHRIST!!

[faceless]

TREV'S GONG ON TOO LONG
5 November 2006

TO the National Television Awards, where a "galaxy" of minor stars have gathered to pat themselves on the back for another year of stunning mediocrity. "It's often said that if Shakespeare was alive today he'd be writing for television," says awkward host Sir Trevor "why am I here?" McDonald in the build-up to the top honour - Most Popular Serial Drama. That's "best soap" to you and me.

If he was alive today I'd hazard a guess The Bard wouldn't wipe his rear end on the average semi-literate EastEnders script. I see him more as a Hollyoaks type of guy. But back to the Royal Albert Hall and razzmatazz Trev is waxing lyrical about the nation's favourite "serial dramas".

"In terms of popularity and ratings, they rule," he declares, neglecting to add: "In terms of decent drama and quality, they suck." It's a real nail-biter to see which of Britain's four soaps will be nominated for consideration. And, what a shocker, it's all four of them - Coronation Street, Emmerdale, Hollyoaks, EastEnders! Just like it is every year. After we're treated to various low-quality scenes of exploding buildings and torrents of horrendous over-acting, absurd couple Peter Andre and Syria - sorry, Jordan - reveal that the winner is... the worst of the lot.

Yes, Albert Square's anonymous nobodies have inexplicably triumphed. Surrounded by bit - part players, who have mostly arrived in Walford over the past three weeks, the only real star Barbara Windsor thanks the viewers for wrongly deciding the Beeb's crap Cockney saga is better than Corrie and Emmerdale.

It's also a big mistake to hand the best newcomer honours to redhead Charlie Clements, who plays ginger jerk Bradley Branning. The award should have gone to that Down's syndrome kid Petal. She doesn't have many lines to learn. But this cute baby has worked wonders turning her parents Billy and Honey Mitchell into two of TV's most depressing characters.

Talking of depressing characters... taking a rare break from being pregnant, one-trick pony Davina McCall gallops on to the stage with the equally ridiculous Nikki Grahame and acts as though Big Brother's victory in the best reality section is all down to her. Get rid of old foghorn voice and Channel 4 wouldn't lose a single viewer. Replace her with Russell Brand and they'd probably gain a few. "I want to thank Endemol for letting me present Big Brother," she bellows. So you should Ms McCall. Because Who's The Daddy and your inept BBC chat show have established you're no good for anything else!

And how can numbskull Nikki win the new Favourite Contender trophy when she didn't come close to winning BB7? Swimming pool enthusiast Michael Barrymore hands Nikki her accolade and cries: "It's great to be back." Back where? Not on your own show, that's for sure! Right from the outset this tedious two-and-a-half-hour festival of self congratulation is a big let-down.

Where are the inappropriate glamour girls who used to provide the best laugh as they escorted embarrassed Sir Trevor to the stage? This year the old boy has to shuffle on by himself. But, slowly reading the autocue, Trev succeeds in delivering a truly funny gag. Maintaining a straight face, he quips: "We acknowledge television's infinite variety." Infinite variety? Strictly Come Dancing, Dancing On Ice, Strictly Dance Fever, Pop Idol, X Factor, Soapstar Superstar, Fame Academy, Big Brother, Celebrity Big Brother...

It's amazing! No two shows are alike. Unbowed, Trev adds: "Daytime programmes are varied and imaginative." And the Pope's Jewish. As the proceedings grind on, Ant, Dec and Doctor Who win about 470 gongs between them. Yawn. See you next year for the same old, same old at the 13th NTAs. Unlucky for some. Unlucky for all of us, in fact.

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Right on the nail there I thought! How Eastenders won is beyond me...

[Griffo]

Hollyoaks for the win!